SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new to SI and looking for support and encouragement during our time of need. I am a wayward wife and hurt my husband. I never thought I would have made the decisions that I have. I have lots of guilt, shame, embarrassment and sadness for the things I have chosen to do. I had an online affair, texting affair and a physical affair in 2011. I have never come clean on my own and only told him what happened after he badgered it out of me. For the last 2 years he has had to find out details and lies I told that I should have come clean about in the first place. We would be so much further in our R if I would have just trusted him enough to tell him what happened. I was too scared to lose him that I kept it all in and only told him what I thought would satisfy him. The problem now is that I have given him no reason to trust me or believe anything that I say. I believe that we have made more progress lately in the last month since he has joined this site and are working towards rebuilding our relationship. There are good days and bad days. There are many mood swings and anger and sadness from him. I try to be supportive and there for him and talk to him when he asks questions and be open and honest with him. We had counseling in the past right when it happened but I was not 100% committed to putting the effort into it. I will be starting it back up again for myself to find more answers as to how I could have done this in the first place. I lost my best friend, my lover, my husband, my soul mate and the most important thing to me. I have faith in us and believe that we can come through this together and eventually hope to see him happy. His happiness is most important to me. I hope that I can continue to show my love, and support for him through my actions and show him that I can be trusted again. I want him to know that he can trust his heart with me again even thought I ripped it out and stomped in it. He is a great man and husband and best friend. A lot of days I don't feel I deserve him but we agreed to work on us instead of throwing in the towel and that's progress for a wonderful future in my book. Thanks for listening to my rant today and its been a pleasure reading through others stories and finding hope and happiness.

Welcome hopefor1day. I sent you a PM

Welcome hope!

You've taken the first step, you are here!

Have you read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair: a compact manual for the unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald?

If not, order it ASAP. It is short, to the point, and can be used as a guide to R.

As I'm sure you must know by reading here that there simply is NOTHING more painful than being betrayed by your spouse. It is an indescribable pain, only known by those that have experienced it. Even with an extremely remorseful WS, it can take years of hard work to recover.

I hope you are on this for the long haul, because, unfortunately, that's what it is going to take.

Welcome to SI hopefor1day.

If your husband is already a member, I suspect he's probably sent you a ton of links to read but I'm going to pass them along anyway, just in case.

First, read the Healing Library. Lots of info in there.

There's two links here on the first page of the Wayward forum, "Things Every WS Needs to Know" and "How Much Does My BS Hurt". Read both of those.

There's also these:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=431331

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=430160

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=318321

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101

Hope you stick around and get the help you need.

We would be so much further in our R if I would have just trusted him enough to tell him what happened

Are you sure trusted him enough is true and not the fact that you didn't want to face the consequences of your actions?

The fact that you didn't confess will weigh heavy on him. You"ll need to spend some time figuring out why you are conflict avoiding. Have you looked into why you needed the external validation an affair provides?

Welcome!!!

Welcome, hopefor1day, glad you are taking interest in strengthening reconciliation.

My wife has not given me a time line (just promises)nor does she want to initiate conversations about her multiple affairs. We basically have become roommates and share parental responsibilities. She would never betray her OM the way she has me. From my point of view, avoidance is the worst thing that has hindered true reconciliation.

I hope you will willingly reveal whatever your husband wants to know instead of making him feel bad for having to ask/initiate conversations about the worst nightmare in his life. Keep searching for advice here and sharing your feelings here for support during this endeavor.

Thanks to everyone for the helpful words of wisdom and advice. Things have been going good between us and we are working on our relationship day by day. What we are struggling with now is because I never came out and told him the truth on my own he thinks that there is more and more to pull out of me. He says that I need to do the right thing and come clean with him and tell him more lies. Last week I went through a timeline with him and we talked about all the details of what happened. He still thinks that I am hiding more. How can I help him to know that he knows everything? I try every day to make sure that I am doing the right thing needed to help him but I just don't know why I keep failing at this and why it is never enough. My reassurance does not work and I don't know what else to say. The rollercoaster of the ups and downs are hard for me to say the right things to him and make sure that I don't upset him anymore than I already have.

Your actions will convey to your husband your honest intent.

He is hurt and has been betrayed. He can't trust you right now because you've broken that trust.

It takes time. R is possible but it is a long, hard, road.

Be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster to go on for a long time. Triggers happen, anger, sadness, etc. It is all a part of the process of healing.

I just don't know why I keep failing at this and why it is never enough

Your husband questions himself for not seeing the affair. So now and for sometime he will question everything. He doesn't trust himself to trust you. His whole world and his reality have been turned upside down. It will take awhile for him to find his equilibrium again.

You have to be patient and kind. TIME...it takes time.

Be reassuring, tell him you are sorry you hurt him and betrayed him and be consistent in your care and approach.

On average it take 2-5 years to heal from an affair.

I also recommend IC for you both. You need to understand how/why you allowed yourself to cheat (this will help your husband to know this) and he needs help navigating through the waters of your affair.

It is heartbreaking but you can make it through.

Good luck. Prayers

Hi, hope. Welcome to SI.

Have you considered offering to take a polygraph?

We would be so much further in our R if I would have just trusted him enough to tell him what happened

Affairs end marriages, but TT (trickle truth/lying) can end the chance of "R"econciliation. Quite often you are trying to spare yourself, more than you are trying to spare your BS, and that only twists the knife even further into the wound.

Your BH needs no more lies and no more broken promises for R to happen.

We had counseling in the past right when it happened but I was not 100% committed to putting the effort into it.

As a BH my guess is this is heavily weighing on his mind right now.

You don't need to answer me on this, but he is going to need some assurances that it is different this time. Show him why. Share your own journey.

After the initial emotions fade a little it is the lies that get to him. I know they still get to me sometimes.

He has a lot of doubts. The best way to remedy this is to be consistent, honest and transparent over a period of time. He will reach the comfort level on his own. You need to show, not just say you do, that you can do these things. Even little assumptions can get taken too far. (Is it raining outside ? I don't know, but I will look).

It is going to take time and be patient. Speaking his love language may not pay any dividends in the short term, but he will notice and it makes it easier for both of you later on. Effort was the most important thing to me. Effort in actions and not words.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts you all have shared with me. I appreciate you all taking the time out to talk this out with me. We are continuing to work on our relationship and reconciliation. Some days are better than others. Right now its not the best as he feels I am still not doing enough on my side to make the changes he needs me to. I know one area I lack in is talking about the A on my own. I am more than willing to answer any questions that he has but I have a hard time bringing it up on my own. I just am not sure how to start a conversation. I know I have told him that I would start IC but I am having trouble with my insurance. Mostly its just that rollercoaster that we are going through. Today is a low but im staying supportive to him and showing him love and hopefully in time my actions will show him that he is loved and cared for.

Gently you have to try. The status quo is not working, I sense you are afraid to fail. Unfortunately not doing these things is failing already.

Effort is more important that success. Your BH, if he is anything like me, looked for effort because it helped me believe the sincerity was there.

It will feel uncomfortable first, but it opens up a lot more growth in your future.

Honestly I have failed so many times in R, I have lost count. You fail and learn that doesn't work for you or your H. It is OK, it is a process.

Usual disclaimer –I’m just going by the very limited information on your situation that I have here and posting based on my personal experience (and I’m probably projecting here somewhat, too) so this may or may not apply at all to your situation.

Effort is more important that success. Your BH, if he is anything like me, looked for effort because it helped me believe the sincerity was there.

^^^This.

I’m going to guess that your BH asked/told you to post here, just like he asked/told you to read the books and you are complying with your BH. UO had a great thread a few months ago discussing the difference between compliance and remorse: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=485859&AP=1&HL=

I spent years trying to R with a compliant WW, and there were several months in there were we got into huge arguments because I wanted to see more than the bare minimum. I would ask her to do things and she would do the bare minimum simply so she could say ‘see I’m trying’. I would ask her to do things on her own and she would just say ‘what do you want me to do?’ I honestly didn’t care what it was, I just wanted to see effort into healing our M and showing me that I was a priority to her, but if I didn’t tell her what to do she didn’t do anything. About 2 years into our R attempt, the compliance wore off, the lies started back up, and we are now D'ed.

With that in mind I read your posts here and the 75 pages in 4 months as a minimum effort simply so that you can tell you’re BH, ‘see I’m trying’.

Again, this may or may not be the case, but if you are just ‘complying’ with your BH, I would argue that he is smart to say it is not enough.

I know I have told him that I would start IC but I am having trouble with my insurance. Mostly its just that rollercoaster that we are going through. Today is a low but im staying supportive to him and showing him love and hopefully in time my actions will show him that he is loved and cared for.

You've received some excellent advice and I agree with it all. Personally, for me as a BH to feel 'loved and cared for' would start with my WW feeling 'loved and cared for' herself. Meaning that IC, regardless of insurance issues, and figuring out yourself so that you're able to have a meaningful relationship with your husband is one of the first steps you have to make.

EFFORT is paramount. Show him how important he is to you by working on yourself. There is no way to 'speak his love language' enough to make any lasting difference in the outcome of your M. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but don't expect that it will be enough. It won't.

You seem to have a reserved desire. I'm sure your husband would love to see less avoidance and more reckless abandoned directed towards healing both of you.

I have never come clean on my own and only told him what happened after he badgered it out of me. For the last 2 years he has had to find out details and lies I told that I should have come clean about in the first place. We would be so much further in our R if I would have just trusted him enough to tell him what happened.

IMHO, if this is still your frame of mind, and all you follow up with is "oh, I'm so sorry for lying and trying to protect you (actually, me), and I should've tried harder and our R wouldn't be in such a mess if I hadn't...", its something you'll never recover from. My WW did exactly that, posted here and some other forums with a very similar tone and now she's back to avoidance land with not a hope for R and every day the wound she inflicts of disrespect and deceit grows deeper. After 2 years of TT and not much effort, I would not give you any chances of slight progress in R until you've actually come to terms with your own ugliness. I'd say everything done with that half hearted attempt is void; whether its counselling, or telling him some truths (trickle truth) or any other relationship building stuff. In the end, as tc pointed out, figure out yourself and your whys. There's clear reasons you withhold intimacy, avoid conflict, can't be transparent and lack the drive to heal yourself and ultimately your M. You're trying to control the recovery with tools that will only break your H further, can you accept that your attempt at fixing your unhappiness destroyed your m and your H and your own integrity as a person? Every one of those maladaptive control mechanisms will stand in the way of you attaining any remorse for your As, what you feel is guilt and shame but little remorse from what you've been doing for 2 years. Without remorse, your H has no logical reason to work towards R of any sort and if this continues, I'd say D or S would be the natural outcome. He is seeing you still using those tools and whether he's on to you or not on a mental level, his gut is screaming out wherever it sees even the slightest behaviour to be concerned about. The TT, gas lighting and other crazymaking behaviour only heightens his state of anxiety.

In addition to that, the stress and anger from being cheated could lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms from your H and though those aren't for you to own, they could add terminal injuries to an already untenable situation.

If you acknowledge the above, the next step would be to seek help for whatever issues plague you, yes, YOU. its not your M or your H that needs help, for anything to work, YOU have to start getting unbroken/fixed. Whether its IC or books or right here with our wonderful fWSs here in the wayward forum. Explore your whys, expose your uncertainties , be ready to be taken down (gently) for your wayward thoughts. It's not going to be pretty but the payback is so immense that you will owe a few lifetimes of gratitude for being able to be a healthy, honest, mature and trustworthy person. The end goal isn't to fix your M or your H, the prize is fixing you. And regardless of your M or H you will reap the reward of a new life where you're happy with the person you become.

It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Just keep reminding yourself that that drive has to come from within and motivate yourself not with guilt or shame but with true understanding and remorse for the damage done to others due to your selfishness.

Eta: sorry if I'm projecting a bit, but you sure sounded a lot like my WW did at two years out. Take what is beneficial and applicable to you and discard the rest

[This message edited by noescape at 2:57 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]