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I was thinking about this last night and how it relates to R and healing.

There is the normal non-negotiable stuff: Open your phone up, computer email, tell me where you will be and then do all those things. This is the basic stuff and needs to happen before R is considered. It's one of the first steps that tells the BS the WS is serious about transferring vigilance and coming clean.

That said, as R moves forward I think transparency needs to change. What a BS should look for is transparency in self. The WS should be sharing the journey of becoming authentic with the BS. They should be sharing the things they learn in IC. 90% of IC for the WS is fertile ground for conversation with the BS. It should be shared. I think above all else this sharing has helped me 'believe' my W.

All things in life and R evolve. This, IMO, should be the progression with transparency. It's what to look for from a WS.

take care...

I second that...

ditto...

will bring this up as he doesn't share what happens in IC - I understand from a BS perspective...but WS = oh yeah.

So...in your opinion how can or should that be happening if the FWS is not in IC? I sometimes ask what's going on in that mind of his related to the EA but it is usually during a breakdown of mine and for the most part that is what is dealt with...being sorry..wishing he could make it better...willing to do anything to help make it better. So in your opinion is there anything else he should be sharing or conversation he should be starting. I pretty much start any A related conversation.

Struggling3-

Actually my fWS is not currently in IC. Insurance problems for a few weeks and scheduling problems for a few weeks. It has been 3 month I guess.

In the meam time she has been working in self projects like journalling, step work, reading NJF. Many times when she has a lightbulb moment she will come to me to talk about it.

Any sort of shared self realization is encouraging to see whether it is with a trained professional or not.

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:53 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

Struggling3 -

Chicho had some good things to say. Listen.

I would add these items:

- Is he doing the first part? Phone, telling you where he is, being on time, reliable and honest in communications? If not those are the first things you can ask for to build confidence.

- IC - will he not go? Is it insurance? If he can but doesn't take this angle. Next time he says he's "willing to do anything to help make it better" tell him you would like him to go to IC with the primary quest of figuring out why he cheated and how he allowed himself to make those decisions. Then ask him to share those experiences with you. Note that this can take a long time. Don't expect fast results, but do expect consistent effort, conversations and progress.

If the two of you have trouble communicating MC and be helpful as well, but IMO that is about all it's good for and only if you have a good one. Oh yeah, test the crap that his IC is telling him here in SI....IMO the field is full of quacks, but the good ones can do a lot of good.

If IC is not possible for some reason I would say yes he can share. Talk about his boundaries and how he thinks and feels about them. Talk about not just what happen in the A, but instead what is happening now with him and how he is different because of what he did.

Just some ideas...

Take care...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480853

This is from wayward. I just bumped it. It really struck a chord with my fWS and myself.