SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Seeking I just want to say that I am so happy to read what an open and loving mom you are to your daughter. Not all parents react in this way unfortunately. Your daughter is very lucky to have your support.

[This message edited by click4it at 11:51 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

You did well, Seeking.

I'm so glad your daughter has a supportive and loving mother.

So many gay men and lesbian women do not.

(((((((((Seeking and Family))))))))

Do you feel closer to her now? If you suspected, that must have felt like a bit of a rift to you. Maybe it was relief. Maybe it was a little preemptive grief/fear that it might make life harder for her. Most likely it was "allergies", or "something in your eye."

Just treat her the same as you always have -- I'm not a lesbian, but I have bipolar disorder and bascialy from the moment my parents found out about it (when I was 30) I ceased to be a person to them and now it's like I'm just some paper stick figure with a "bipolar" label stuck to me. So, you know, she's not your lesbian daughter. She's still just your daughter.

You did well.

Everybody, thank you SO much for all the supportive and thoughtful replies. I have read this thread over & over. I have tears in my eyes right now ! (Yes, *cough*, allergies no doubt )

I appreciate the theories on why I had tears, and I think they are ALL correct.

Also thank you so much for the personal stories shared about children and siblings who are gay.

The last few days have been good with my daughter, we are going along as normal, but I have taken a few opportunities out of the blue to hug her and tell her I love her.

I made a special breakfast Sunday and we had a great time out on our screen porch. We had bacon I am a vegetarian (usually) so that was a really special treat. My younger daughter actually asked, "Did somebody die ????"

Anyway, I have not brought up anything with my older daughter -- no additional discussions -- just life as usual + a little extra affection.

I am sure the PFLAG meeting will be good for me too.

I wanted to say also, that I am so grateful for this community on SI. Both my parents are dead, and I have no family in this area. I have a couple of close friends nearby who have been supportive, thank the good Lord.

But the initial *alone* feeling when she told me -- that was hard. I think I was really missing having a partner. I felt like I didn't have anyone to turn to. That's not accurate though. I had my friends and SI too.

Thanks for being there. (((SI)))

Now I have to go take some allergy medicine

Dammit. I'm going to need some of that allergy medicine too.

Aww, I cried as well when my DS came out, for the variety of reasons discussed here. Partly it's just an emotional moment. Your child telling you... insert any large fact about themselves... it's like they're sharing something about themselves as an individual, as a person that is growing beyond the little child we knew every inch of, bathed, fed, measured in the doorway.

And a part of it for me (I also knew already, so it wasn't a surprise) was that it was something big and innate. Not just a choice of partner, like this is Joe/Jane, my boy/girlfriend -something that might or might not last, but a real piece of themselves that is forever, part of their makeup. It was emotional for me to have that forever-piece brought into the light and introduced to me - his Mom - because it was so important, so much of a piece of the child I love. It made my heart feel vulnerable, to have this piece click into place. Not in a bad way, but in the way you have to be vulnerable to know and love someone dearly.

You sound as if you treated that moment so respectfully by matching your daughter's low-key delivery and reminding her of your love and support, which I'm sure she didn't doubt but in those moments... well, she probably still needed that reassurance even though she knew it would be there.

I'm so glad there are mothers like you who make their children secure to be who they are.

When you go to a PFLAG meeting you'll meet even more! I'm curious to know how you like the meetings, too. My son went with me to several, and he said he'd been really afraid it would be a bunch of parents comforting each other over the tragedy of having gay or transgender kids! DS was motivated to confess his preconceptions to the amused circle of attendees after realizing they were all there to raise money, brag about their children in the best way parents will, and talk openly and with such understanding and personal experiences to anyone who struggled with acceptance or fears.

My ex is now openly gay.

Back when we were actually speaking to each other, after D-day, we did sit down a few times and actually try to talk. Really talk.

He said that he knew from a young age that he was attracted to both men and women. I guess his feminine side showed as a child, and I believe it was his Mother's 2nd husband (she had multiple...) called him a fag and would beat him. Then being teased in school and called a fag didn't help. With serious FOO issues, he buried it. Married me. Then cheated on me until he was outed 17 years later.

I'm not saying his choices are because of how horribly his parents treated him, but it certainly didn't help. Now that he is out, they haven't disowned him, but he isn't close to them either.

I think the way you handled it is amazing.

We want our children's lives to be as easy as possible, and generally being gay can be a more difficult route. But, not accepting them, as they are, makes their already more difficult road even more difficult.

Thankfully things are not as difficult as they were decades ago. One can come out and still be able to work and socialize. They will still run into people who have problems with accepting them...but that is not as prevalent as before.

In my core group of girlfriends we have one gay girlfriend. We get together a few times/year, without spouses, usually dinner at one of our homes, plenty of wine and laughing, sleepover, breakfast then back to our lives. Since our gay friends "spouse" is also a woman we said to her "why don't you bring her along"...and she said "nope, this is a no spouse event, so she can stay home. :) We adore her, can talk about her being gay without hesitation, but don't really even think about it.

I hope your daughter is able to find a life like that...where everybody knows she is gay, and really don't care about it. It's one facet of who she is, but there is a whole list of other attributes that make her who she is. Once people get used to the idea it will not be something people will even think of when talking with her.

You handled the situation perfectly, Seeking. You're a great Mum.

I have to tell you, I love my "gay" cousin a whack more than his straight Bay St., Gordon Gecko brother! Or his sister who nastily outed him during a family dinner squabble. He was nicely trying to show her that she needed to value herself more than running around with various unsuitable men. She told him (in front of their Mother and other family members)that was fine advice coming from a guy who fucks guys. Ooops.

At that time, my kids (one of each) were 12 and 13. I sat them down for a chat, explained to them that they could be gay, straight, or knitted and purled, and their Mum would love their socks off no matter what. I underlined that they could talk to Mum about anything, including sexuality, and I would listen without judging. I can't think of anything more cruel than parents who reject a child because he/she doesn't conform to the parents' ideals. Years ago, I knew a gay man who killed himself by setting himself on fire. You've got to hate yourself a lot to do that. No way would I ever chance my children feeling that way about themselves if I could help it. But then, according to some folks, I'm "a bleeding liberal".

Thanks again for all the wonderful support and feedback. I appreciate everyone's comments so much.

I wanted to give an update. I went to the PFLAG meeting last night and it was AWESOME.

It was a very small meeting -- one other parent and the facilitator (and me), but it was so powerful. We just talked about everything. It was so helpful to hear the other mom talk about her relationship with her daughter, who's been out for a long time -- 15 yrs-ish.

They gave me great support and just hearing their stories gave me ideas on how to talk to my daughter and how to listen too.

Anyway, I look forward to going back and I wanted to recommend PFLAG to anyone in a similar situation. Wow! I felt like I had been to a fabulous therapy session afterwards. I guess I had

Thanks again to everyone reading this thread and commenting

Your daughter is so lucky to have such a loving and supportive mother.

I'm sure that when your daughter was born, this is not at all what you envisioned. Don't feel guilty at all.

The important thing is that she is doing well (sounds like she is) and that she knows she is loved and supported. Your daughter is a beautiful person and her sexuality doesn't define her.