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i cant accept what he did and i certainly dont forgive him.

only time will tell for both.

definitely a shit sandwich.

Hmmm...logically, rationally, I can accept that the EA happened. Much harder to accept that HE did it and continued to blow smoke at me about it for months. And forgiveness? Well, I don't think my WH is asking for it. So, if I offer it, it will be for some other reason than my WH's absolution.

I think that sistermilkshake summed up my feelings on acceptance and forgiveness.

I don't feel it is a lightening flash of acceptance/or forgiveness, but rather the slow recovery from a terrible storm.

I'm at 5 months out now. I don't feel I'm anywhere near acceptance. I can think about it all and not be crippled with anxiety and pain like I used to but still find it incredibly difficult to accept what has occurred. I don't ponder whether I will or wont accept and/or forgive XWGF for what she did. Time will tell. Right now it's all about me. She's taken up enough of my brain space off the past 4 months.

ETA: I have accepted that she was far more messed up than I ever allowed myself to believe. Accepting who your W partner truly is at their core is a good move forward.

[This message edited by Brokenheart777 at 1:34 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

I have totally forgiven my STBXWH... and he's one of my best friends now. The forgiveness started when we split up, I started being happy again, recovered from the agony and betrayal and realised that I wasn't in love with him, hadn't been for years and never would be again. He freed me from a passionless existence by leaving for OW. We are great parents and supportive (though now long-distance) friends.

At the risk of sounding corny or simplistic, my attempts at R remind me very much of the movie Hamburger Hill. If you ever watch it you will remember that the GI's are fighting their way up a steep slippery hill covered in wet jungle and all the blood sweat and tears of many horrible past battles.

They fail day after day week after week. They rack their brains to come up with yet another strategy to try again, only to be shot down by a new and unforeseen triggerman hiding behind different obstacles.

My WW has repeatedly broken the rules, gone back to her OM, and refused to IC or MC. The one time she did MC I found out later she lied to the MC and had her thinking I was the problem and cause of all our issues. Blame shifting and projecting her problems onto me as my own is easy to do when you live under gaslight all your life.

I have not made it to the top of the hill, I do not feel I have won any battles, and I strongly believe she is on the other side still throwing bombs at me as I try to advance, even if it is by myself.

As for forgiveness, I cannot forgive what I do not understand and since the truth is buried deep inside her thick shells of pride and shame, I believe I will not ever know and she will not ever help me through any of that. Probably because she still knows she might want to go back to another one of her OM again and does not want to burn him in the process of helping me heal.

How long can you fight for a cause and not win because your WS is on the other side? My answer is I have been trying for 7 years since my first Dday and later learned there was another long term SA prior to that.

Why do I stay? It is the age old fear of leaving my family and kids for a problem they should not have to inherit because of my WW and her inability to do the work she should. She should have to suffer through the recovery pains not the kids, so I live in the hope she finally gets it some day and actually changes. Anybody got a spare miracle out there?

If anyone has any tips on how to accept so you can move forward without the closure of actually forgiving please let me know. I am stuck there too.

I have forgiven myself for trusting him, and believing his lies and allowing him to treat me so badly.

There will never be forgiveness to him after all he has said and done. As the other poster here said; I'm okay with that.

Now acceptance has been met. I've accepted that I was married to a sicko.

It's 14 years and i have never forgiven.

I do not believe forgiveness if for the forgiver. I believe those who do bad stuff need to be forgiven for what they do and I don't believe infidelity is forgiveable.

However, I do feel you have to move forward. Maybe it's semantics and acceptance is what I needed. What does accepted mean? Realizing you married a loser? That is what it meant to me. I didn't realize what a loser he was until many months of therapy. Then I accepted it.

I never got over it. But I did get around it. Thank goodness. It did take me 12-13 years though.

As for forgiveness, I cannot forgive what I do not understand and since the truth is buried deep inside her thick shells of pride and shame, I believe I will not ever know and she will not ever help me through any of that.

This, this right here.