SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Once again, I thank you wise WS's. You all are ones that I truly admire and it means a lot to me that you have taken the time to comment and help me dig beyond the 'being bored' comment. I posted this because I know I needed some good 2x4's and it is helping quite a bit. I don't post much on SI, but I do read every day - especially the WS forum.

Yes, I was on AM , and it is where I would go when I was bored and wanted instant validation. It is a shameful part of my A that is difficult to deal with, but I certainly don't miss it. Tred gives me all the validation I need and then some.

Indifference is key. I know that. I have heard that many times and I can see that I am not quite there yet. I thought I was, but obviously I am not. It is where I must take myself. I don't carry a torch for my AP nor do I hope he misses me, because I know he doesn't. He had other AP's besides me. But hating him is still giving him power and I truly don't want him to have any power over me and our R.

In MC SA(f?)WH and I have been exploring the impact of Family of Origin and childhood coping mechanisms. The others were right about asking you to think about what is going on in your body when you feel the impulse to look into this stuff. Think about how, in your childhood, you acted out when you were "bored." Did you do things to hurt people? Did you do things that were self destructive and unhealthy? Did you hide this behavior from authority figures?

Some guesses here:

*enjoying the relative anonymity of a web search to satisfy your craving for an update

*the secrecy (of the web search, the affair, etc.)

*avoiding taking true responsibility for the pain experienced by everyone betrayed by the A in which you took part

I like this quote I found in Wikihow about making amends.

"Making amends is about trying to repair or compensate for something you did wrong that harmed another person in some way, causing them to feel insulted, or to suffer a loss, injury, or some sort of damage. When you are in the wrong, clinging to misguided notions of a need to "preserve your reputation" at all costs, or simply being stubborn, are poor options when a relationship is at stake and the ball rests in your court to do something about it."

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:57 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Reading this I wondered if it isn't so much about your AP's importance to you but perhaps a need to have been important to him?

These 2 statements jumped out at me.

I saw an article where he was interviewed and he mentioned things that I didn't know, so I became curious and searched.

How did you feel when you read that interview and there were things about him you didn't know?

I don't carry a torch for my AP nor do I hope he misses me, because I know he doesn't. He had other AP's besides me.

That comes across with some bitterness, so....Does it bother you to think that he doesn't miss you or that he had other AP besides you?

SA,

I say this with the utmost of care and compassion;

If you do not change your ways of coping with conflict by avoidance and hiding your marriage will have hard time reconciling and eventually fail. You are messing with the trust factor of your relationship by the way you handle things of this capacity.

Boredom was thrown out there for a bone to chew on. The real deal is you have not yet fixed the very thing that made you betray your husband in the first place. Sure it was exposed and sure you did some work, but this is a continual process. You have to make sure you are doing the things that genuinely make your husband feel safe. Not lure him into a false sense of security.

What fm said. Honestly acknowledging our brokenness is only the start if starting to work on those issues. Surface passes at fixing stuff will only result in more pain and brokenness. Much like rug sweeping the A itself, or actually, far more dangerous, is rug sweeping the underlying issues (external validation, self esteem)

Something is just off Sand. You're still hiding. Still deflecting. FRM nailed it. Read his post again. And seriously think about it.

Have you ever given Tred the full truth? Does he know every single thing? Have you done a timeline? Offered a poly? Have you been 100000000% honest about everything? I've watched Tred's posts and it's evident, he doesn't feel he has the whole story. (Ya know that gut feeling?) I can't imagine what he's feeling. The hidden truths. Only you know them. He has no clue of the depth of your A and everything around it. Because you're still hiding. You're still in self-preservation mode.

Look, you can't rebuild unless you have completely knocked down the old building. You can't have random partial walls and piles of rubble and expect to rebuild on that. You do that IRL and the building inspector will reject it, make you demo, and restart all over again.

Sand, you're running out of time. Do you realize that? Every day you hide, every day you minimize, every day you pretend you don't have this huge gaping wound is one step closer to the end.

Are you happy with you? Have you graduated from IC or did you walk away because you can't stand to look in the mirror?

QS and I have followed you and Tred for a long time. Maybe cause we have close Ddays. We are rooting for y'all.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:16 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

SA,

I am curious as to why, after all your time here, you didn't tell him? He had to ask you. You knew that you had broken NC, why did you not offer up this info to him?

Eta: Sorry, double posted my old post.

Damn iPhone.

[This message edited by noescape at 7:29 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

but this is a continual process

FRM, you are right, it is a continual process. I do not feel that I am done working on myself and I continually try to make Tred feel safe. I fucked up. I know that and I hate that I did. Posting here has made me realize that I still have work to do on myself. As I said before, I felt that I was doing OK with not giving a shit about my AP. But obviously googling him shows that I have not completely let go. Indifference is where I want to be. I seem to have stopped at HATE and I felt comfortable there. It is time to move on to INDIFFERENCE.

No Aubrie, I don't feel that I have 'graduated' from IC and it's not because I can't stand looking in the mirror. I stopped going because she felt we were done, not me. She is more of a life coach then someone who understands infidelity. If I was still seeing her and told her about this situation, she would say something like 'you had a weak moment'. She wouldn't be sitting with me digging. But she helped me look at my past & understand my coping mechanisms. I looked for a new IC and they all seemed to be like my old one.

TG, I didn't tell him because I knew it was something I should not have done. I was ashamed.

I am not perfect but I am trying my best to become a better person then I was. As I said before, I still have much work to do.

Yes, I was on AM , and it is where I would go when I was bored and wanted instant validation. It is a shameful part of my A that is difficult to deal with, but I certainly don't miss it.

How would annonymous strangers wanting to hook up provide validation? Are you sure it was that or was it excitement and risk?

Do you consider people sport? I know that sounds really snarky but I'm legitimately asking. I'm asking because I can understand it. People are fascinating.

I love horses. I have riden my whole life, just about. I found being around them and working with them amazing. I learned about them. Would watch them interact with others. Who they followed. How they communicated. The ear point. The flared nostril. The nicker...squeal....snort. All very distinct and different. By learning I could read them and enjoy them. I could also manipulate them and get them to do what I wanted them to do.

Would that be something you were doing? Seeing how you could get men to respond to you? The harder the task the more interesting it became?

I have wondered if that's why you see some "performing" acts not normally in the repertoire. Not because they're fun but because they work to get a certain result.

I wouldn't wear spurs at my job and find them cumbersome and noisy. I do get results with them, though....only when I ride, of course. Have considered them while parenting, not gonna lie.

This is a really good read. Sand, I see alot of my own struggles in your current dilemma. Sort of a parallel track in my overall recovery efforts...the reconciling of myself with the xAP part of things. Striving and struggling to find that indifference...and even to just forgive her for her limitations, her ugliness, her brokenness, and her deep inner sadness, is a process and one which I wish there was an easy, fast track for. As has been pointed out here, not the case.

Stilllovinghim has TWO posts on this thread that get to the root, for me, of the clinging and negative cyclical "mind fucking", and the healthy parting of ways with that behavior which allows the good stuff to take hold, and true recovery to begin.

Great thread. I leave the country for a week and a half and all sorts of great stuff (yes, tough stuff) awaited me upon my return. JD