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janagreen...your post made me laugh out loud. I work with such a woman.

I have nothing to add...just thanks for making me laugh.

I worked with one of those too (and we all were overjoyed when she quit). She had affairs with two married men in the brief time I knew her. She flew into a rage one day when we were walking down the hall together and a male coworker complimented my toenail polish ("What am I???!? Chopped liver??!!?") These people are so ridiculous and exhausting. They can be charming for a little while but then you start to get a sense of the huge black hole of need inside them, and the only healthy response is to RUN AWAY!

That's what you're comparing your awesome self to, Lonely Girl.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:56 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Just, if you can, think about the statistics regarding affairs....30-80% of all marriages have infidelity enter them at some point. That means on the low end 1 in 3 will experience it...on the high end 3 out of 4 will experience it.

This is so depressing. I've had thoughts off and on of I don't deserve this, I'll find someone who won't cheat no matter how pretty the girl is. And then I think about this, and how many people are going through it. It's so depressing knowing that I'll likely have to go through it no matter who I date or marry.

And you sweetie, will still be the beautiful 5'7" 150lb (and BTW lonely girl, there is NOTHING wrong with 150 lbs, Jesus, many women would kill to be 150!), beautifully freckled, highly intelligent, successful, competent, HONEST, loyal, faithful person that you have always been. Your character and soul are intact. YOU my dear, are the prize, not the 100lb hole without a soul.

Thank you. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm whiny. Before Dday, I felt confident about my body. I always knew that I wasn't a 100 pound girl, but I wore clothes that emphasized my good features. I felt okay in a bathing suit. Now I just think about the OW in a bathing suit. I hate, hate, hate going to the beach with my wBF now because I know he saw her in a bathing suit. I doubt you could pinch any fat at all off that girl.

The one thing that does sometimes make me feel better is that she criticized him all the time. She said that he needed to wear better clothes, and she allegedly told him that he was bad in bed. But, he also told me that he gave her an O. I told him that girls fake that all the time, and he said that she wasn't the type of girl that fakes it. Doing that is very important to him, and he can't make me. So it's another way that I feel inadequate.

With the ONS, he said that she wasn't attractive. He said that she was a lot larger than me, and a different race (which he isn't attracted to). That one is hard to understand too. It's almost like the ONS would make more sense if it was a pretty girl, and the A would make more sense if it was someone he loved. But nope, that's not it. And it doesn't make any sense.

LG, I personally know an incredibly gorgeous young lady, (the daughter of a friend). She actually became Miss XXX (my state) about 4 years ago.

She is incredibly insecure. She posts pictures of herself all over Facebook constantly, under the auspices of 'I'm working out, watch my progress'. The pics are very revealing and IMO totally inappropriate for Facebook, ie, pulling up her shirt, and pulling down her shorts almost revealing her vajayjay, supposedly to show her abs. Other pics of her actually arching her back and showing off her buns of steel in work out shorts so tight she may as well be naked.

Of course she gets zillions of comments saying how fab she looks, (especially from guys). In some of the shots she takes from home, you can see her little toddler boy in the background, and she rarely of ever mentions him, or posts pics of him. It's disgusting.

Where as most young mothers I know are posting pics of their children 99% of the time, this young women is soooooo insecure that she thrives and feeds on the comments to her Facebook pics.

It is quite disturbing. And if I were her mom, I think I would slap her silly!

These types are so wrapped up in themselves they have absolutely nothing to offer the world but a pretty picture and a vajayjay. Sad. Just so sad.

I hate, hate, hate going to the beach with my wBF now because I know he saw her in a bathing suit.

I totally get this. We live on the coast, and the beach used to be a huge part of our lives. Now it is all but ruined for me. (Try being 55 and putting on a bathing suit and sitting on the beach watching your H watch all the pretty young things strutting around. ). I can assure you, it is not fun.

Sweetie, you are young, and I hate to see you paralyzed by feeling of inadequacy about your body. Please please please enjoy and appreciate your YOUTHFUL body now! God how I wish I had enjoyed mine. But even then, I picked myself apart, finding fault with every little flaw. Now I could kick myself looking back. I was perfect, I was gorgeous, I was young.

DO. NOT. WASTE. YOUR. YOUTH. FEELING 'less than' that soulless whore your BF made a sperm deposit in.

(((LG))) We all go through a major self esteem his after Dday. My WH's AP was an older, less attractive, heavier version of me. BUT the thing he kept complimenting her on was how successful she was. You see, I too am an attorney and quit my job a couple of years ago to be a SAHM, she is a working mom. It made me so angry and I felt so undervalued. It all hurts no matter what they saw in the AP, but don't try to change yourself or beat yourself up for not measuring up. It is a waste of time.

I have a 5 year old daughter you is starting to ask questions about physical appearance and compare herself to her sister or other people; and I always tell her that the most beautiful part of her is her heart; and I mean it. I struggled with self esteem issues for most of my life, and the A brought some pretty ugly skeletons out of the closet; and it pains me to see my daughter or any woman doing this. You sound like a smart, kind, attractive woman. You have the whole package.

This woman is pathetic. I mean seriously pathetic. It doesn't matter what she looks like, she is always going to be pathetic. Don't do this to yourself.

it really is two screwed up people who happen to run into each other. Both feeling lonely and both pumping each others needs. I hate to say it, but its not much different then when we met. You just bump into each other at the perfect time. I also believe if it wasnt her it would be someone else. His neediness had peaked. She came along. SOmeone else would have. SHe happened to be hired. ......

Painpaingoaway. I am also 55 and headed to the beach, and my H has stared at young pretty college age girls. Yes, looking is instinct. Stalking in a trance like state is not. He is working on it. Last beach trip was better. I get all antsy. I am in shape. But you always pick yourself apart. I cannot compete with 25. ANd he makes me feel like sh it. We have business there. Otherwise, we have been planning trips without beaches. Its been a rain out for weeks. I am hopeful.

I met with my IC today, and she helped me to feel somewhat better. She also said that it's none of my business what BF and OW talked about, and that I shouldn't ask questions like that. She said that the answers will only bring me down, and I shouldn't listen to stuff like that.

I am going to continue to go to the gym. It will help me feel better and also to work out some anger

LG, plenty of women can't O from stimulation/s*x with their bf/h and actually I think it's worse to fake it, and I think his little tart probably did fake it. You are in no way inadequate, you are a vibrant, young, intelligent, sexy woman and (for me anyway) O isn't the be all and end all of making love, it should be about sharing a wonderful, intimate, loving experience with your SO.

I believe it's very important for both sexes to realise you shouldn't want to MAKE your partner have an O, you should want to HELP them reach O. Anyone who tries to make someone O just puts both parties under pressure and will probably fail!

She also said that it's none of my business what BF and OW talked about, and that I shouldn't ask questions like that.

WHHHHAAAATTTT?????? Are you kidding me? Where'd she get her license, out of a box of cracker jacks? Sorry, but she has a screw loose. IMO it is every bit your business what they talked about. Will it hurt? Absolutely, but you DO have a right to know.

I understand this very well and big ((hugs)) to you but I want to point out something:

Notice how everyone has their story and while a few are different, most contain a bit of this same thing...an older, less attractive AP who thought it was awesome to have an affair with a committed man...a young, fabulous thing who thought it was awesome to have an affair with a committed man. You either know or can bet that most of these women were feeling pretty high because they could take what was someone else's. notice too, that these AP's are vastly different from each other in looks but they ALL did pretty much the same thing, with the same heart and spirit.

Gorgeous, young and hot.

Older, rounded grandma.

Older, fatter, uglier, younger, beautiful, plain...THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.

Believe me, as any other BS can tell you, it hits the self esteem NO MATTER what the AP looks like or has supposedly going for them.

And in the end, none of it is you.

None of it at all.

Perspective...I was fantastically gorgeous. I was a bigger built girl, not fat but not tall and willowy. I had my own fan club. I mean, actually...not figuratively. I did some modeling as an artists model. I was the icon for one of the sites that causes many spouses troubles. I was no 100 lbs but it made no difference.

You know what? I got cheated on.

I got very sick, gained a lot of weight....even so much fatter, I still attracted tons of attention although there was no way I'd get in a bathing suit. I got cheated on.

I lost most of the weight, worked out a lot, changed many things in myself for the better. Older, much wiser (that took real effort!) and...I STILL got cheated on.

I am struggling with wondering why, no matter what I do, I'm never good enough...but in truth, I'm pretty amazing...it isn't me. I've got my issues but I'm also pretty self aware and always working on being more so. It isn't me.

It isn't you.

I think of my ex MIL. She is a smug, self righteous woman. Ugly as home made sin. Unapologetically bearded, teeth missing, feet that can out stink a skunk any day. She's no beauty...inside or out. Very hurtful. Her husband never cheated on her and has always treated her like a queen that he has undying passion for. He's cuddly, cute and playful with her. He hugs her and pinches her butt. He never cheated on her.

Was it her? Nope.

It's him....

It's not us. It's not you and it sure as fuck isn't the AP. They are just willing and there. They are different. No one can compete with different because everyone is different.

It's him.

I'm willing to bet, you are quite lovely. I'm willing to bet your combination of brains, motivation, heart and freckles is more than enough to cause any number of men to feel giddy.

If you wanted to be a home wrecker, you could be but you clearly don't want that...and that IS you.

WS will often not know what to say when their AP says something negative about the BS because they are shook out of fantasy world and when they are shook, they know it isn't true and they suddenly know that THEY aren't true. They often don't want to say something to piss off the AP because they don't want to dwell on the reality of their BS or family etc...they don't want the intrusion of reality in the fantasy bubble...so they say nothing so it will go away.

You sound amazing. Go be amazing and recognize his failings as his...not yours.

As for the O thing...she may have faked it, she may not have. There are a billion things that can make it happen or not. He may have taken that as an ego boost and you have taken it as a hit but I'd suggest that it indicates nothing. O can happen at the oddest moments or not at all even though deep love and desire were present. If he really wanted to feel an ego stroke, he should have been investing in you and your O.

Sorry for the ramble. I feel you but really, you sound fabulous.

I'll chime in and say that I think one of the biggest hit parts of us is our self esteem.

It's one of the biggest differences I'm finding about this new person that nearly ExH has become...he gets his ego boost and self esteem from other people and mine comes from inside.

It's not easy "being happy with what we have or are given", as we are told to do, is it? Since I can't do anything about the short body I've been given, my greying hair and ever-changing waist line, I can find instead, other ways to feel nice about myself.

There are a few posts already on this thread that say "don't get self esteem from a bf or gf" and that's something I agree with, but also not easy.

FWIW, I will share that I am happy with myself when I consider my accomplishments, even in the face of massive adversity. I've only seen one picture of OW, but was very, very shocked.

And don't forget, I think it really isn't always about appearance but abut willingness and control and other types of things.

I have a friend who is this gorgeous, tall blond woman and she is also a betrayed person. I have an acquaintance who is a tall blond brunette with everything in it's place and she has a similar history, with abuse included.

I don't want to generalize but know for certain that OW in the case of nearly ExH was simply...available and pretty darn loose. And they made up things they wanted to about what they were doing, not seeing life, or the people in it, in a "real" way.

P.S. Yep, nearly ExH also claims they "never" speak of me, but I don't buy it. I asked him what I died of, as he lied about being married to OW and he tried to say, "it never came up." I just wanted to know what story he used and was very curious, as were some friends.

I'm glad you're feeling better, LG.

And only 28 and a practicing lawyer-major accomplishment to be a source of pride!!!!!!

I'm no great beauty, but I am attractive, in great physical shape and at 51, people still think I'm in my early forties. I also have a great career, and am very creative and artistic.

My WS cheated on me with a woman who was a couple of years older but looks 60, has a scrawny body, works in a dead-end job and lives in poverty due to her bad choices.

My self esteem is destroyed. What did she have that I didn't? Bigger tits. Saggy and droopy, but still bigger than mine. This ridiculous thing still bothers me.

Just because you think that OW is prettier, doesn't mean that she has more value. She doesn't. She is broken, insecure and has no morals. And, you are still much smarter than she is and I guarantee you that bothers OW. She can't compete with you and she knows it.

Well I'm short but not skinny and my WH went for an ugly short but tiny filipino not skinny by Asian standards but compared to me very.. Even though I have lost almost 80 pounds I will never be like that tiny petite whore. Yes I am much pretty but she's half my age and no one is repulsiveness by a 25 yr old body.. Several years Before that he was flirting all summer with a 23 yr old. Playing in the sand and burying him with her crotch and boobs in his face. He kept looking at me and laughing. So yeah no self esteem. I lose.

We all know of Hollywood beauties who've been cheated on by their men with skanky hoes and yet we all end up feeling unattractive when it happens to us. I was magazine cover beautiful. I even did some modeling. When my WH met me, I was in college. I was such a nice person. Well traveled, well educated... I was the whole package.

WH never did admit who OW was. He claims the A I caught him in was with a much younger woman. If that's true, there probably was more that one A at that time because the one I have evidence of is only a couple of years younger than me, looks an awful lot like me. She was a secretary where he worked, her home number showed up on the phone bill he didn't want me to have access to but I got anyway. She sings with a band at at least one of the bars in our town. WH is an alcoholic and I didn't even know he went to bars. He hid his drinking from me even though it was obvious that he was passed out drunk every night, snoring like a jack hammer. He has since admitted to going to many different bars and liquor stores to keep any one of them from knowing just how big a drunk he was. My guess, he found someone who he could get drunk with.

Doesn't matter. I still feel old and and tired and like I'm not the nice person I was and physically like I'm falling apart from all the stress he's put me through. I know, objectively, even at 49, I'm still a head turner. But, I don't want to be desired by strangers. I want to be the only one my husband wants. He say that all the time now. He never even used to compliment me before but now he says I'm the only woman he wants. That would have meant so much more before he decided he wanted someone else.

It is not about how we look. It is about how they have made us feel. That is the problem. We have to find away to take back our confidence.

My self esteem has been demolished. Logically I know I'm not unattractive, in fact ow is not pretty at all. She's smaller than me but she doesn't have a perfect body. Where I feel she's got me beat is my ws is obsessed with her. There is not one damn thing I can do to change it. This woman your talking about may look perfect but the ow my ws sees is not and he still wants her. I read this time after time on SI...its not the looks that make our ws cheat. It still damages our self esteem though, it just sucks and I'm sorry your feeling like this. I am too.

now he says I'm the only woman he wants. That would have meant so much more before he decided he wanted someone else.

This is very true. My Wbf says this all the time to me now. He keeps saying "you know you're the only one I want. You know I find you attractive." And I sound like a broken record saying, no, I don't know that. I knew that. But I don't know that now. It's like it just doesn't get it. He doesn't see how what he did makes me feel bad about my looks or myself. He gets that he disrespected me, and he apologizes constantly. But he doesn't get how it changed the way I look at myself.

WHHHHAAAATTTT?????? Are you kidding me? Where'd she get her license, out of a box of cracker jacks? Sorry, but she has a screw loose. IMO it is every bit your business what they talked about. Will it hurt? Absolutely, but you DO have a right to know.

Yup, she said that. I argued with her at first, and we kind of got into a debate about it. She's said a few things that seem odd to me. It's the first time I've ever done IC though, so I've just kinda started thinking that she's the expert and my expectations in relationships are WAAAAAY off.

For example, boundaries... I've been struggling with what boundaries I can create after the A. She has told me that I can't tell him to do or not do anything, because that's being his mother. There's a friend that I don't like that he has, and she said that I can't tell him to stop seeing the friend. She said that the problem isn't the friend, it's him. Which, granted, I can see that. I don't know. My IC sort of makes sense at the time I'm talking to her, but then I struggle with what she's said later in the week.

Just because you think that OW is prettier, doesn't mean that she has more value. She doesn't. She is broken, insecure and has no morals. And, you are still much smarter than she is and I guarantee you that bothers OW. She can't compete with you and she knows it.

He's told me that her ego was huge. She could never understand why he wouldn't want to date her, and he said that he was the first guy to ever reject her. I'm not sure how much of it I believe. He has sworn up and down that he is the one that ended it because he wanted to date me. But she had him arrested for stalking her, and she got a BF 2 weeks after that. He said that she filed the charges because her ego was hurt when she found out he was still dating me. But on my bad days, I wonder if she dumped him and he really did stalk her, and I'm second choice.

As for the O thing...she may have faked it, she may not have. There are a billion things that can make it happen or not. He may have taken that as an ego boost and you have taken it as a hit but I'd suggest that it indicates nothing. O can happen at the oddest moments or not at all even though deep love and desire were present. If he really wanted to feel an ego stroke, he should have been investing in you and your O.

Yeah, I know. I think it hurts that he defends the fact that he gave her an O. When I say that she faked it, I can tell that he's feeling defensive. He'll say that she's not the type of girl to fake it. He also said that it was in the missionary position, which I find very unlikely to be true. I know this is sort of mean, but I faked it after the A with him. He totally believed it was real, and then I told him it was fake. He finally acknowledged that maybe hers was fake, but still said she's not the type of girl to fake it.

But she had him arrested for stalking her, and she got a BF 2 weeks after that

You're an attorney, correct? You should know that having someone arrested requires evidence of a crime. As someone who truly was/is stalked by my ex it's recorded following, messages, txts, threats. You don't just point and they cuff.

Your IC is correct. You can't tell him who he can be friends with. That is absolutely a parent relationship and why would you want to be with someone you have to parent?

You increase your self esteem by showing respect for yourself. Part of that is not allowing people that disrespect you in your life and certainly not as a romantic choice.

He's not hurting your self esteem. You are by choosing him over yourself. You have choices and options. Pick healthy ones. You don't hang on to hot pokers, right?

and he said that he was the first guy to ever reject her

I can see how this would make her want him more. I use to be the same way. I'm not proud of it. When you are use to guys responding to you in a certain way and one comes along that doesn't pay any attention to you, you wonder what you are doing wrong. It becomes a challenge. And then to be rejected by that guy once you have his attention is a hit to the ego. She's use to getting her way. I'd bet money that this girl is more jealous of you than you are of her. It took years of therapy to get me to value myself for more than what I look like. I honestly believed that's all I had to offer. It comes from a very dysfunctional and abusive childhood.