SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was walking with my friend tonight and she asked me this question....."Nine years ago when you first caught on, what was your gut feeling that kept nagging your inners telling you h was having an affair?

The first thing that came out of my mouth and came to my mind was him saying ow's name all day long and trying to get it into every conversation we had. That was the one big dead giveaway.

I started to wonder what the rest of the BS's gut feeling were that put an end to their WS's a?

OW was getting a divorce and asked people in the office to help her move. No one but my (at that time future) WS offered to help.

I kept trying to explain to him that he didn't have to be a KISA. That it wasn't appropriate for him to get involved. That he could get involved in other ways other than physically being there. I cried. He still insisted he HAD to go. She NEEDED his help.

Fast forward 4 mos.

1. Him forgetting to come home at night from time to time.

2. Once when I was very pregnant, he came home with a long penis and not pants nor underwear. He tried to sneak past our bedroom quietly, but I noticed anyway. I was too pregnant and tired to fight, so I said nothing.

3. Him coming home the next day (not even morning, but next day) with clothes that I didn't recognize.

4. The hidden condoms...that were not for me, because we didn't use them...

The writing was on the wall, but I was just too dumb to read it.

Ugh. I hate to even think about it.

One day we had had a horrible row over anything and everything, but yet that night he wanted to have sex. Well, as most of us women can attest to, THAT wasn't going to happen.

Well, he had the audacity to be pissed about it, and actually said, "well, if you aren't going to give me any, I guess I will have to get it somewhere else". I didn't believe he would ever do that (yep, I know, stupid me ) I thought he was just saying that to hurt me because he was pissed. So, of course I wanted to hurt him back, and I chuckled and said, "well, good luck with that, I feel sorry for whomever you find" and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "how do you know I haven't already found someone"? with an almost smug look on his face. (I still thought he was just trying to hurt me because I just knew he would never cheat on me. So I just rolled my eyes at him.

He told me he had cheated and I didn't believe him!!!! God what a moron I was!

This is something that still haunts me to this day, because I can simply not remember when this fight occurred! Was it before D-day? or was it after I found out, but he had not yet made a full confession? Was it a year before D-day, or several years before? It really torments me that I can not remember, because it would tell me if there had been infidelities other than the one I found out about.

I had many many other stressors in my life at the time, (2 sick elderly parents, a sick teenager, and planning a wedding) and my mind was so shot that I remember very little from several years leading up to D-day.

He was cold and distant during the third trimester of my pregnancy. It was so weird...like the closer I got to the due date...the further away I felt from him..but even then I didn't suspect.

The day after I had the baby he snapped at me in the hospital and said, "I hate you!" Then proceeded to sit down and weep. I couldn't understand why my wonderful husband was acting this way. When we got home from the hospital he was even more distant and cold. I knew it wasn't supposed to be like this. Our little family unit had grown...our first born...who we tried desperately to conceive...and he acted like I wasn't even there.

He was getting ready for a trip out of town for work (to the state/town where the OW lives) and I said, "what is wrong with you? why are you acting like this? Is there someone else?"

He said, "I'm not talking about this with you right now." That was it. I cried all night. He left the next morning...kissed me and DS...and texted me when he made it safely to his destination. That night at 4am during a feeding something told me to check the phone records...and there it was. 4 months of phone calls and texts. Even while I was in the hospital giving birth to our son.

I hate that woman. I know it's him...his fault..his vows..his family...but what kind of POS low life woman is ok receiving phone calls with updates on the birth of her married lover's child? Gross. He's gross too...but I've never hated or felt more sorry for another person in my life.

Sorry...took it to another place.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:34 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

None. Absolutely no gut feeling that he was or would cheat on me. Blindsided!

Now, he was a freaking asshole to me for years, and he had an LTA, so maybe that should have been a clue, but it wasn't. I just thought he was ramping up his assholishness and selfishness.

When he kept going places and showed interest in things he always made fun of and said it all was his newer guy friend "Sam" that was showing him all this stuff, or taking him these places.

He would have had to been sleeping with his guy friend to believe he would spend that much time with him. That happens I know, but the one and only thing I have been sure of throughout the A and beyond, is my WH's sexual orientation.

So, that got me digging. My first post on this board was titled "Finding condoms". I came across the rubbers by accident one day, but it was the point where I decided to investigate, based on those gut feelings.

There were tons of other signs, his hostility towards me, and stuff. But the friend thing, the guy friend.

It was to the point it was ridiculous already. 3 times a week or more with the same dude? doing one thing or another?

[This message edited by Spelljean at 4:59 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

I know it sounds funny, but he starting kissing me on some weird schedule.

He'd be hours on his computer, after getting home from law school, crazy intently studying. No breaks, no distractions, no interactions with the family.

It was so obsessive that I started asking if he was having trouble in classes. When he realized I was paying attention, he started getting up from his studying and deliberately kissing me in some theatrical fashion. Like every couple hours on a timer.

The kids and I would look at each other with an, "What the heck is up with him?" expression, it was so marked and... fake.

I knew something was up. I just never would have guessed a second set of affairs. Obviously, I'm brilliant.

Gut feeling? I didn't have the gut feeling....I had tangible evidence..

The new $1,200 golf clubs "he bought." (Yeh, right!)

The new expensive shirts he started wearing saying, "These have been in the back of the closet for years.." (Sure, got a bridge to sell ya!)

His sending me a text meant for her...Oopsie...

In a nutshell, radical behavior changes.

P.S. Yep, to 1Faith, I got those too, with attempts at cover-up: like, he would say, "oh, that was for so and so, another male coworker", on an overnight work trip...but the message content just did not jive.

First came his indifference towards me. Our conversations were like strangers. I felt like he was slipping away.

Next was cruel remarks. I couldn't do anything right. He also for the first time ever made a remark about my physical appearance. Up til then I felt pretty damn good about myself .

He lost all chivalry towards me. Watched me try to move a huge dresser while I was painting. Walked past me while I was having hell with the lawn mower because he ceased all yard work. That was just so unlike him.

Couldn't keep an erection during sex, then stopped having sex. I believed him when he said it was due to stress.

His cell phone that he rarely used before was attached to his hip constantly and no one could touch it.

Probably the first time I started looking for evidence was when he refused to give his mom back the cell phone he was using of hers, even after we got our own service. That was when we went toe to toe. I demanded he give it back and he lied and hid it instead of returning to his mom. I knew at that point.

Telling me about his day always involved the OW - to the point where I told him that I wanted to hear about his day but only if it didn't involve her. Stupid.

I ignored so many obvious clues due to blind trust, but I became suspicious when he STOPPED talking about the OW. It was not unusual at all for him to have female friends, and this one was no different. She had money (or rather her BH did)and he was envious. He even brought me to their house to see their 'stuff'.

Then, suddenly, he stopped talking about her--nothing. It was like a lightbulb going off in my head. The first thing I did was check his voicemail (I had set up his PW years ago and he had never changed it ) There was a very 'familiar' message from her--nothing obvious, just like a wife talks to a husband. Then I set up an on-line account for his cell phone (he's very low tech) and saw the 1000's of monthly texts and minutes of talk--so much so that he went over his bill by $500-600 each month! (We paid our own cell bills.) Then I set up an on-line account for his pharmacy based on his HBP Rx--bingo! A viagra prescription that he was NOT using for me.

No gut feeling. I was oblivious.

Looking back there were many signs, but I was too stupid to notice.

@sad in az..YES...OW was in a group of acquaintances of ours. He started talking about her, his bf was wanting to get in her pants blah blah. He told me she said she liked his truck and didn't believe him when he said it was mine. He talked about her kids but the weird thing was, he always said she was mega bitch. All of a sudden it was if she dropped off the face of the earth. She put her.kids in a diff league than ours. I would ask about her and he would shrug his shoulders. I think that's when they started their A.

Repeated behaviors.

Just like a dog/puppy will circle or sniff before they pee. Dog never told me he was going to pee, but he did.

Back to the subject, I didn't want to believe my WS but I saw repeat behavior.

Walked in and they were acting like they had been caught at something. I asked them what the hell was going on? She said she would never do that to a friend ( guess I was t a friend). Anyway they convinced me it was nothing. My gut told me it was more when no one ever mentioned it again. If it was so innocent they would have been making a joke about how bizarre my accusations were!

Mine was plain old women's intuition.

Something was off. Asked him if he was mad at me hoping to nudge him into opening up (he is a very gentle soul usually) snapped at me and replied, "everything is not about you"

Next day I logged into FB and there it was. Her H found out and threatened to tell me.

Wish he had.