SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MrH and I are in a disagreement.

His dad invited himself to stay for a week, starting the same day MIL invited herself up.

MrH said no, not then and not for a week. I've been asking when the "blessed event" will be scheduled and we discussed the 30th or 31st through the 4th.

Last night MrH casually mentions he's taking Friday off. Apparently he's driving down with DS to get FIL on Friday, coming back up Saturday and bringing FIL back late or Sunday the next week. I say that's a week.

In some screwed up world of logic, MrH is claiming it's NOT a week. I suppose if you count the 6-7 hour travel time he thinks you don't count that day, no matter how early they come or late they stay. He's also claiming he didn't change the dates on me. I'm sure this is FIL, he's forceful and MrH has only recently begun standing up to both parents.

I cannot be around that man for a week. The three days we were around him for Christmas nearly did me in. He's mellowed with age, but the fact is I have nearly two decades of emotional abuse from the man. He may not do it in front of the kids, but it's still having someone who tore you down in your house without apologies or acknowledgement.

MrH wanted to talk while I was writing this and what I learned is he truly believes he told me the dates he's saying now. I remember it starting no earlier than the 31st and him leaving the 5th. Which is more in line with MrH saying it would be less than a week.

What I am taking away from this is if I ever end up joining the folks in D/S I will get a clearly defined MSA and if it's not on the iCal, it's not happening. Maybe he's not deliberately gaslighting me. Maybe he truly believes the dates haven't changed. I remember pulling up the calendar and saying, "Yes, I can live with that. And that night I have a thing at church to go to so I don't care if he's here, I'm going." It's a gathering for my friend suffering from ALS. That date is stuck in my head so I know I'm remembering pretty accurately.

We also have a birthday party, a gathering for my volunteer group and a couples group thing scheduled right in those extra days...I don't see how I wouldn't have brought that up.

I don't know what I'm looking for now. I'm just emotionally wrung out and my entire plans for the day have changed....as well as the week.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 5:39 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Come crash with me. You can bring DD. I'm hardly ever home, so you can make yourselves comfortable and and enjoy the city. I'm so incredibly serious.

Thanks Ama. I really, truly appreciate the offer.

He's now adjusting the dates, but making me feel crazy in the process.

I said: you said no way is he going to stay a week.

He said: when did I say that? I didn't say that.

I said: you said the 31-4th, 5th at the latest. You may have mentioned leave days but I didn't focus on them, thinking they fell in the dates we discussed. Then last night you say you're staying late at work because you're taking Friday off to drive down to N.C.

He said: I'm not taking Friday off, where did you get that idea.

we discussed it while he was at work and then again at the dinner table.

He said: well, I didn't want to have to have this conversation [reworking the dates] but I am to try and relieve some of your stress.

I said: I could've all been prevented by talking about it any of the times I asked after he invited himself up (around the 4th of July).

(I even asked in our last MC session)

He said: you never asked.

He finished the conversation by saying he will be emailing everything so he has proof of what we agreed. I now have to live in my M the way we advise people getting a D to live.

Hoping more than ever in this moment I get a job soon so I have options. I used to just not notice these things, but I am more and more and it makes me feel crazy.

Gaslighting.

That's what I've been thinking since our conversation this morning. Then part of me thinks, he wouldn't...not knowingly.

Especially when I get an email like this:

Holly, Whether you feel like it or not, or if I haven's said it I am a loyal partner to you when it comes to you and my parents. Meaning you are a priority for me over them. Take a step back and look at the situation from an optimistic point of view. You can choose to behave in a way that brings us closer together or drives us farther apart.We can seize the opportunity to grow together as a couple and we can behave in such a way that we both have the desire to make each other our first priority as well. Im not going to let them erode what little bit we've built and Im not going to let you retreat in a pit of despair.

I cannot take Friday off because I do not have enough hours. I was going to go down Friday night or Saturday morning and pick him up. However, because I love you and I understand where you are coming from I can go down on Monday and pick him up. We have a host of things coming up on Saturday and Sunday to do so it's not a big deal. You are my focus and I hope we can take the opportunity to work through this. I am going to do what's best for my wife and no one else.

That sounds so loving and reasonable but then I go over conflicting statements like I mention in my other post and I really feel like I'm being the crazy, unreasonable one.

It sounds a bit to me like he's fighting himself. He knows what he should do, but doesn't want to. So he acts like an ass, then stops, corrects, sends you an email (passive much? ) to smooth things over and pretends like he was never an ass to begin with. Note that at no point has he apologized to you for being an ass, or for making you uncomfortable.

Where's your line in the sand?

"Whether you feel like it or not"

"you can choose to behave in a way that brings us closer together or drives us apart"

Seems like he is putting a lot onto you while minimizing what he actually did.

He does get some points for changing back to a timeline more like what you originally discussed, but on the other hand, why does he get points for that?

Ama- that line has long been my problem.

On the positive side, I've been calling him on these issues rather than sucking it up like I used to do.