This is a long one. Mrs. QTR and I had a rather angry discussion this morning. In the two weeks post d-day, I had noticed that she seemed to think that I was just going to get over the latest betrayal, and that nothing had been done to set the record straight. The issue was that she had shared my sin of porn with her sister (which I learned in 2002), but failed to mention that she was involved in adultery since 1998. After d-day in 2008, I believed that she ought to tell her sister, since she had outed me while in adultery. Didn't seem fair otherwise. But, I did not insist until d-day 2 in 2009. I gave her what I believed to be a very mild consequence, that I required telling her sister. Later, she maintained that she did not remember making that promise. Hard to believe.
On this past d-day (July 6) I told her that 2 people needed to know immediately: the BW and her sister. I gave Little Prince Charming a week to tell, then had to go there Sunday evening and tell her myself. Nothing seemed to have been done regarding my sister in law, so I asked her if she had "forgotten" again, and she told me the reasons that she did not believe that she ought to tell, including that it would set events in motion that would open this scandal up to public scrutiny, cost me a relationship with her family, and my job etc.
I was not seeing what this site describes as true remorse in her words. I was seeing pride. Please understand: I am in no way minimizing the damage I did by looking at dirty pictures and movies. But I no longer think that it is the same. I suggested for the 2nd time that she visit this site, and ask some of you who have experienced both of these things from a ws if they really are the same.
She also stated that I had not been honest with her, I had since on d-day (July 5) she asked me if I had quit, and I told her that I struggled with it again, and had since I found out about the adultery. I told her that I had maintained my purity through most of this year, that I had relapsed in May, and that I had again re-committed myself to not doing such things.
I don't want to be guilty of self-justification, but I don't think that her finding out just by asking me the question is the same as her outright lies, especially since I had written her in January of this year, asking her if she was in contact (she said no) and assuring her that it would be safe to tell me this, and are you sure? (she said "I would tell you if I were in contact") Again, not to justify me in my weakness, but she didn't catch me, I told her. I didn't justify, but I did nothing wrong for 5 years while she committed adultery and required consequences of me for my sin. I failed, not when I found out that there was an affair, but when I found out it was still going on, and that they had been together in a hotel room the day before. It's not an excuse, but it's probably predictable, especially for a guy who realizes that his wife, who's too tired for sex, is not too tired for sex with Little Prince Charming.
Anyway, it was an explosive argument in which I told her that I was sticking to my timetable of her leaving our home in 10 days. I then received this letter.
Finally, here's my question: Is this true remorse? I already told her that to me, this meant that she didn't have to leave. Premature? I'm afraid I was overcome with emotion when I read it. Please, weigh in, and I thank you in advance. Names are edited, of course
Raven,
I wanted you to know that I've written Mrs. Little Prince Charming a letter telling her how desperately sorry I am for all that I've done. I would like to tell you, as well. I realize that you will view this as more lies and manipulations but I would like to say it, anyway. I am desperately, desperately sorry for all the sins I have committed. There is no excuse or justification for all the wrong I've done and I'm ready to accept the consequences of my sin. I'm deeply sorry for all the pain I've caused you and for all the disappointment and pain I've caused so many others. I'm deeply sorry for the damage I've caused to the church. I'm attaching the letter I wrote to Mrs. Little Prince Charming here so you can read what I've written to her. I'm so, so sorry.
Mrs. Quoththeraven1
Dear Mrs. Little Prince Charming,
I realize that I’m the last person in the world that you want to hear from so I’m writing you a letter so that you can throw it away if you choose. I don’t have your email address and Quoththeraven1 said that you weren’t sure you wanted to talk with me but I would like to offer this apology if you would allow me.
I know how feeble and shallow these words will be at this point and I can certainly understand if you do not believe a word I write but I would like to tell you how desperately sorry I am for all the sin I’ve committed. I take full responsibility for all the ways I’ve hurt you and deceived you and wronged you. There is absolutely no excuse for all the wrong I’ve done. There is no excuse or justification for how I’ve hurt you and Quoththeraven1 and so many others. I know that the words “I’m sorry” are pathetic but they are all I have.
I would like you to know that I am to blame for all this heartache and that I, initially, wrote LPC a letter telling him of my feelings for him. He was going through a very difficult time, then, and I took advantage of that. I’m so very sorry for that. I am also responsible for keeping the relationship going and for contacting LPC. I am so very sorry for that.
I’m not writing you to try to avoid the consequences and punishment for my sin. I am ready to accept those. I just needed to tell you how deeply, deeply sorry I am that I’ve hurt you so terribly, that I’ve hurt Quoththeraven1 so terribly, that I’ve hurt and disappointed many, many people and damaged the church. I know that I will have to give an account to God for all the ways that I have sinned against Him and against you and for all the horrible damage I’ve caused. I hope there will come a time when you can forgive me though I don’t deserve either your mercy or God’s.
[This message edited by quoththeraven1 at 1:06 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]