Hi dad. I have seen you give some other people great advice as well. I remember when I first joined, I didn't feel that comfortable helping others as I had so many issues of my own and thought I was doing things wrong, so I more just posted questions or concerns of my own or shared if I had had a similar experience ..
Honestly, now my advice is usually a combination of sharing my experiences and/or repeating the great advice I've seen people give to others.
I think the give and take of SI is what makes it so special. I think you are slowly but surely gaining your strength and learning the "whys" of the advice we give you, and I think one day you will have tons of great experiences to share with others about what you have gone through. Maybe even now you could be telling people what has and has not worked for you..
It does seem you do the opposite of what a lot of people tell you to do, but I know people like Gonnabe have admitted to doing the same at first.. It is very VERY hard to give up the hope that things that could be different and that the WS would be remorseful, etc..
Given what you have shared about your STBXWW, we can all see that she is completely unremorseful, manipulating, and only thinking about herself, so we are trying our best to get you to protect yourself. And by initiating NC, filing for divorce, demanding emails/texts, you are starting to do that, so I'm at a point of wanting to applaud you, not put you down for struggling so much..
I know this ride is one hellish roller coaster that goes up and down a lot, but your moods do seem to fluctuate rather rapidly. Perhaps some antidepressants or anxiolytics could help with the mood swings. The goal is to try to smooth out the ride, and to not let her have so much control over how you feel. Try to focus your attention away from her and focus on yourself..
Perhaps you are feeling isolated since your leave of absence from work. Besides what sounded like a slightly inappropriate date with a lady friend, you haven't posted much about getting out of the house or talking with family or friends. Perhaps this is why you share so much here (which I think is actually a great thing to do when you are needing support), but maybe you need some more IRL people and experiences and interactions. Maybe you could get back to work to focus your energy on doing something productive, anything to get your mind off this huge mess. You have a lawyer now to take a huge amount of weight off your shoulders, so try to use this time to build up your relationships with people and your self-esteem. I find it very difficult to work sometimes due to all the stress, but it is a relief to be forced to focus my mind on other things.. Maybe it's time to think about getting back to work. I'm just kind of imagining you stuck in your home, which is filled with so many triggers and memories, and maybe this is delaying your healing. Maybe you could try painting some walls or rearranging some furniture or getting rid of any obvious triggers. I still think moving and selling the house would be a good option for you, but maybe try replacing some things for now that make you sad, selling the old and getting on with some new stuff..
I'm not positive it was you, but I seem to remember you saying that a lot of her stuff was still in your bedroom. Please, if that was you and the stuff is still there, box all that crap up and put it in the garage or just send it to her place..
Leaving stuff like that around is just torturing yourself. Perhaps she is making you feel so low that you feel like you deserve to be tortured. Maybe your depression is causing you to torture yourself. I'm really not sure, but I hope you start finding some strength soon to stop letting her dictate how you feel about yourself..
Hugs..