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My wife had an affair with a man of another race. It doesn't matter what race. I have never fealt animosity towards people of other races but this has me insecure and wondering what she liked about him. Now whenever she has to work with someone from that race I get suspicious. recently she had selected a physical trainer who was of that same race and I told her I wasn't comfotable with that and she thought i was racist which i am not. I am not in fact very comfortable since her A with a male trainer of any race. How do i sort out these feelings?

My WH was on craigslist..and one of the whores he attempted to screw around with was/is a different race. She sent him a pic. Im not racist. Have never been. But now,when I see a pretty young woman of the same race as this whore,I feel very insecure,and I find myself not liking her. But,honestly,if the whore had had long blond hair,Im pretty sure that would be a problem for me too.

As it is..he cheated on me with a man.

I have never had a problem with gay men..ever. I've been very vocal about fairness and equal rights,etc. But anything that has to do with gay men now? Can't deal with it.

I think what you're feeling is normal. It doesn't make you a racist. It makes you human. I bet if her OM had been short with a goatee,you would hate goatees.

My last AP is from the UK. Same race, but I cringe whenever we hear a man speaking with a British accent, because it's probably a trigger for BH.

If you're not comfortable with her having a male trainer...why does she have one? Aren't there plenty of perfectly qualified female trainers? Even pre-A, we would've considered it a potential boundary violation for me to have a (hetero) male trainer.

ahhhh... no more male trainers.

Yea. Well I'm not if i am rascist but I always disliked Filipinos..maybe because I am a Spaniard and my grandfather lost so much on his businesses there.. But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid. And it seemed that WH always has a thing for them but before I trusted him and didn't think twice if he looked since he promised he would never cheat because he didnt need to and it was not worth.. WTF happened.. Now I cring at their sight.. Go figure..

There are wonderful professional Women Trainers. I'd insist that she have a female trainer...or that she train alone; Or simply skip the gym until she LEARNS A BIT OF COMPASSION/EMPATHY FOR YOU AND YOUR PAIN.

She can't find a female trainer?

But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid

Damn. I'm Asian, young, but not stupid. Always nice to be hated based on race, no matter what the reason. I have to admit, re-reading that whole post kind of sickens me.

Hmm, my husband cheated on me with a white girl. Do I get a free excuse hate card as well?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

I think I read somewhere that it only takes a 5-10% correlation to trigger emotions. The OP in my situation is from Roswell, NM and now when I hear anything about UFOs and aliens I think of her and get angry. Now how irrational is that?!? Little green men trigger me!!!

This is a really, really tricky subject that I've thought a lot about. I'm Caucasian, WW is Latina, OM (a friend) was African-American. It hasn't stopped me from continuing to have friends of that race, but if I'm being honest... When I go out and see mixed race couples of the same combination as my wife and OM, I do trigger a bit. It's weird, because the interracial aspect doesn't affect me at all (clearly, since I'm in one) it's just the specific black male/ Latin female combo. If the genders are switched, boom, no trigger.

Dark Inertia:

Damn. I'm Asian, young, but not stupid. Always nice to be hated based on race, no matter what the reason. I have to admit, re-reading that whole post kind of sickens me.

Hmm, my husband cheated on me with a white girl. Do I get a free excuse hate card as well?

I'm sure SuperSadWife did not mean it the way it sounded. We're talking of triggers here....so any "reminder" of the affair partner can trigger when somebody of similar race, style, voice, occupation...whatever....comes into their vision. Her husband's choice of OW, to SuperSadWife seemed to be young, stupid Asians. Of course not all Asians are stupid (OR YOUNG). I can see how those words would hurt you though.

[This message edited by JanetS at 11:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

Yea. Well I'm not if i am rascist but I always disliked Filipinos..maybe because I am a Spaniard and my grandfather lost so much on his businesses there.. But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid. And it seemed that WH always has a thing for them but before I trusted him and didn't think twice if he looked since he promised he would never cheat because he didnt need to and it was not worth.. WTF happened.. Now I cring at their sight.. Go figure..

Wow.

My XWH cheated with white women (we're both black), mainly a specific hair color, hair type, and body type. WHILE we were married, this particular "look" triggered me badly, especially since he was an unremorseful fuckweasel.

Current hubby is white. His brothers, their wives, kids, parents etc are white. I think its safe to say that I don't have a problem with Caucasians.

Hurtincolorado- I get where its coming from. Time, distance, and remorse from your WW will help. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound likes she "gets" it.

My Ex had an affair with a woman of another race that barely spoke English. That idiot downloaded a translator app on his phone just to communicate with her better.

For a while I felt sick to my stomach whenever I was around someone of that race who spoke her language or had a very strong accent.

Thankfully it didn't last long. Ironically, the first guy to try to date me after we separated was of the same race as OW! He wanted a relationship and I'm FAR from that point so we definitely weren't on the same page.

But it helped me to stop making OW the disgusting and morally reprehensible representative of an entire race of people.

My FWH had affairs with women of at least 4 different races and his cheating all started with a kiss from another guy.

I trigger and still struggle but it is not their race (or gender) that makes them broken people. Just like everyone of your wife's race is not broken it is true of the AP's race.

But for now it is okay to feel triggery. Don't add guilt sprinkles on your shit sandwich. Just move through your triggers and it will stop bothering you at all.

Example...two weeks ago I ordered a dish at the Cheesecake factory that had the same name as OW (the one he told he loved her to) and her name was SUCH a huge trigger. I didn't realize the dish was her name until later that night and then it didn't even trigger me.

Unfortunately most times when there is a disclaimer when discussing issues involving race such as: "it's not about race" - it usually is.

Sorting out your feelings might include actually asking your WW what she liked about him instead of assuming it was his race. For her, it may have had nothing to do with race, and was maybe something similar to blonds being attracted to brunettes, etc. But then making the leap to being suspicious about her "working" with someone of this race doesn't really lend itself to not being about race.

Regarding the personal trainer, the simple fix is a female trainer. Ask yourself how you'd feel about a female trainer who is the same race as the AP?

t/j @SuperSad - simply wow.

I'd love to be as magnanimous about what you're "trying" to communicate as JanetS, but your post is simply offensive.

I get "triggers" but let's be clear, that's not what you're talking about.

end t/j

I think I read somewhere that it only takes a 5-10% correlation to trigger emotions. The OP in my situation is from Roswell, NM and now when I hear anything about UFOs and aliens I think of her and get angry

Yup, same thing with me and cops. I can't stand seeing any cop now!

Hm, I think there is a fine line between racism and association due to insecurity.

If my wife had slept with a black guy, I'd be insecure about black guys. Not hate, just a constant roll of "Man they must be better than me, and not just because they can make a pink polo shirt work in an everyday casual setting." I think I'd probably feel that most of those guys are okay but people being who they are regardless of ethnicity, well, some suave young fellow in a pink polo shirt might catch her eye and be receptive if the stirrings of infidelity barfed all over things again. So it's less about racism and more about the checklist of things that were involved. If it was a guy who wore balloons on his head then I'd be insecure about balloons. Luckily for me it was just some loser with a big dick, and I duct taped a broom handle to my cock and got over that one, everything else I'm just more awesomer anyway.

I think sorting out these feelings probably requires professional help, but the easiest way to deal with it is to tell her that you're uncomfortable with her having any one on one time with another guy. Tell her you need her to work with a female trainer to be comfortable with it.

SuperSadWife...

While you're entitled to your opinion, we would caution you that your post/words are very hurtful and offensive to anyone there that is of that race.

Please be more respectful to the wide range of members we have here.

Thank you.

With me it wasn't a race thing so much but a generality thing so to speak. My exWW cheated on me with a high ranking military officer. It very much undermined my self esteem because of his rank. I know for a fact it's what attracted her to him. I'm not nor have ever been in the military. Anyhow, I live in a military town. Whenever for instance I would stand behind one of our soldiers in uniform at a Starbucks or in line at the airport, I've wanted to do nothing but punch him in the back of the head. And I don't even know this person. Watching all our sporting events that honor people who serve (especially during national anthems) really made me sick to my stomach and for a long time because I grouped all these men as cheaters and looking for nothing but a piece of ass. About 8 months after Dday I went on a four hour flight and went to take my seat. It was next to a serviceman in uniform. Wow that was tough for me. Feeling that way actually sickened myself. It took a few yeas now to begin getting over that. Lots of reading about it to help me deal with that anger.

What I suppose you're feeling has to do more with triggers probably than discrimination. I can tell you it will pass with time. But I do not think it's unreasonable for you to request your wife not to work out with any male trainers. She needs to sympathize with you and adhere to that request. If she doesn't it's an action of being unremorseful towards your feelings. For me that would be a huge deal breaker if she didn't make an effort to understand that. But then again, they can't really understand in the first place why cheating is wrong either.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 8:33 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

I don't think race would bother me, I love men of all races and have friend of all races. I love human life. What does TRIGGER THE HELL out of me is that DAMN name! And it is so popular that I have to hear it at least 3x a day.

My wh and I are not of same race. I am white and he is black. I realize that I have to be more afraid of the white women here. I swear where I live it is like a trend or something now. If a white girl see's a black man (no matter age) she is all on it.

Now, my wh is insercure of white men and me. He thinks that I would go back to a white man. That is not true. I will go for a man that treats me as a queen, protects me, cherishes, and adores me. Nothing to do with color or penis size. SO AH WH!