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Runningblind, others have given you really good advice on what remorse looks like, what it means that you're not "feeling it" etc.

But I want to validate (without scaring you) that it can feel fake. If you haven't been a BS before, or haven't been deeply betrayed by your WS or someone else (that's me, I had a pretty charmed life), then remorse is kind of unknown territory. I don't really care what the definition is because you don't know it until you see it...and even when you see it, you may still NOT know it. Because you ain't never seen it before. Even if I had a model remorseful WH from the get-go, I'd probably feel like he was faking it. I mean, a WS has just ripped your heart out. Why would one assume that remorse was so true and so real a few days later?

After D-day 1, my WH did just about everything on that list posted earlier. Then I discovered he was still TTing me. So, OK, he wasn't doing the list. But outwardly , he was - faking it, mostly, but I think some of it was very, very genuine, too, further confusing the situation. After D-day 2, he does the list with 200% effort. To me, that's the difference. That's where you "feel it." It doesn't feel like checking off a list when it is true remorse or seeing signs of remorse. Hell, he did that after D-day 1. Now it feels like he embraces the list, loves the list, can't wait to do the list, and is always wanting to add to the list in his own unique ways. He isn't perfect, but there is a real deep commitment to that list. I hope that makes sense. It is the fighting, as you say, for a better personhood and marriage, rather than just meeting expectations.

My XWW...well, let's see…

INDICATORS OF REMORSE

* Actions match words.

No

* Accepts full responsibility for the affair without blaming the BS, a bad marriage, or other outside factors.

No

* Expresses sorrow for hurting the BS and the M.

Only once did she say she was sorry.

* Shows compassion and actively assists the BS with handling triggers.

Never

* Does not become defensive or shut down when BS brings up affair-related emotions, issues, or questions.

This is all she did…so, no

* Answers questions honestly and completely.

Never got the whole story…estimate about 10%

* Does not avoid the BS or become frustrated that the BS is not “healing fast enough.”

No. She never expressed any concern about my pain.

* Contributes at least 60% of the joint effort at rebuilding the marriage.

About 10%...if that.

* Actively works to understand why he or she made the choice to have an affair and shares insights with BS.

Only went to a therapist for 2 months…then quit.

* Does not think solely about himself or herself. Considers how actions impact the BS.

Absolutely not. It's all about her.

I guess I made the right choice to divorce her.

[This message edited by Decimated at 1:25 PM, July 29th (Monday)]