SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At some point there is clarity that your M or relationship is NEVER going to work out. How do/did you know it was time to call it quits?

There were many things, but the false R did it for me.. I realized he would never change and didn't even want to..

ETA: And when I stopped listening to his words and watching his actions.. His words were only tools to manipulate me..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 9:32 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

I was married almost 10 years when I filed for divorce. In hindsight, I should have ended things much sooner. Actually, I should have never married him. In my case, my exwh had a pattern of behavior already in place that was nothing but red flags. Had I been more knowledgable about what red flags were, I would have known I needed to end things immediately. Through the time I was with him, red flags would pop up and then later on new ones would. He kept saying he would change, but in his case, he never actually did anything to change. It was all words.

He'd be on his best behavior for a little while, but he always reverted back to his true self. Once I came to accept that he wasn't going to change, I moved on.

^^What they said.

I also found it harder and harder to forgive myself for staying. Even if he had been the posterboy for Remorseful Waywards there was too much damage done, pre-DD, post-DD.

I think many of us sit around waiting for our WSs to get off the crazy train before we do. The thing is most of them don't. Many of us wait until the very last second right before we are completely decimated before jumping off. I know I did.

Right until the very end I was looking to him for my answer. Looking for some sign that I should stay or go. Should I keep fighting? Should I try to repair? I so wanted to see something that made me think he was worth the risk.

The truth is the answer was in me. To me no-one is worth the risk of losing myself. I had lost most of myself already but for my strong will to live.

In the end even that was at real risk and I simply could not take a single step further in that direction.

When he got fired for sexual harassment and lied about it.

ETA: I should have filed sooner.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 12:45 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

When I started hating myself for staying more than I hated him for cheating on me.

No one - no man, no woman - is ever worth sacrificing your self-respect.

[This message edited by ExposedNiblet at 1:33 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

When the pain of staying outweighed the pain of leaving. Leaving felt like a relief to me. I wasted years hoping things would change.

When I accepted that our children were at extreme risk of being exposed to his sexual perversions, and I could do nothing to stop it as long as he remained in the house.

When I finally found a tiny shred of self esteem and closed the bakery and realised he is never going to change. There was always going to be at least 3 people in my marriage, and I deserved better.

My main reason for staying after dday was because I didn't want my son to grow up without a father. It was very important to me that he has an intact home. However with time I realized even though stbwxh was doing some outwardly things right my son would be better off without him than he was with him. Stbwxh issues (SA, objectification of women, disrespect for others, narcissism, passive aggressiveness, compulsive liar etc) were going to seep through no matter what I do or how well he acts.

I realized he would never love our son like I (or a person with "normal" feelings do) he'll never put our son first, our son will be a nuisance and irritation unless he can offer narcissistic supply/attention to my stbxwh. In other words a possession not a child. My son deserves much better than that.

I also read up on the effects of a SA and NPD parent on children.... I may not have valued myself enough yet to refuse to be treated as a "thing" but I sure as hell value my son enough to want better for him. With time I have come to want better for both of us. I did not want to believe my stbwxh was so extreme, I talked away his traits thinking he had it under control or at a lower grade. Reading up on it made it painfully obvious his SA and NPD wasn't small issues, it's huge.

The second thing is: he doesn't even know basic things about me and our past (that he should easily know since we grew up together and have spent many hours discussing. Even in MC sessions) I realized he never cared about me, just about what I gave him. I will never be a person to him, just a possession or thing to use for his own needs. Even with my low self esteem I know I am worth much more than that!

Conclusion: When I finally accepted who he was it was much easier to let go of the man I thought I married and of the lifelong friendship I thought we had had. I have no doubt that divorcing is the right decision for us.

ETA shorten my long-winded post

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 5:38 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

After False R and the reality that this man did not take me seriously...

When it felt like our child listened and cared more than this grown ma;

When grapes from the proverbial grapevine began to fall on my head, hard, and the calls started coming, to tell me that he had been "discovered" in his other life;

And some of the things he did in a publicly hidden (like online) way that humiliated our child and I.

When my own foggy brain started to wake up to the dangers he brought to us and lies;

Realizations came next, the biggest one being that he knew the pain and heartache he would cause and did it anyway...to our child, was a bigger hit than myself.

The realization that even though this man killed all of our hopes and dreams and ruined our lives, if I continued on trying to be married to him, this is what we would have in future to count on...a guy who was capable of sneaking out in the middle of the night and worse.

And then, when the words didn't match any more actions and are ... simply noise, like the snow on tv.

Such a loaded question!