SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

phmh... how long did it take him to start asking for R?

I am working SO HARD with all of this reading and IC to get to a place where I've fully mourned the loss of him, see him for what he is and to know that I'm better off. My IC keeps calling it "saying goodbye."

I think I'm already there even today, but I'm not in that place where I don't think his "coming around" and asking for R (and my having to say no) wouldn't be incredibly painful for me. I think I would still have some doubts and it would set me back majorly.

I am actually really, really grateful that he's such a weirdo that he has maintained complete NC. Without it, I'm sure I wouldn't even be a quarter of the way down the path I'm currently on.

But I live in fear that I'm going to get an email or something, like, in September asking if he can come home.

PL,

I would add Narcissistic Lovers to your reading list. I liked that one a lot, although like you said, none of them take the sting away. My occupation has to do with reading and writing as well. I've feel like I've read nothing but infidelity/self help literature in the last few months.

Sometimes it helps and sometimes I feel like it doesn't help but then later on I am in a situation and I recall what I've already read.

The OW in my case is much less attractive, less educated, single, has multiple arrest photos online, and apparently has no qualms about being in a relationship with a married man with a pregnant wife. She's a trashhole.

For what seems like a long time I was so angry about the injustice of it all. She gets to go on with her life feeling like her soulmate can't be with her because he has to take care of this baby with his horrible wife. Then I realized how messed up she is and who gives a fuck what she thinks.

NewMom0220

OMG... who ARE these WS of ours??????

Maybe if we had been hideous, evil witches to them while we were together, MAYBE then I could understand why they would leave kind, beautiful and smart women for a homely and dense but sweet type.

But we know the OW can't be truly kind and good women deep down. At the very least, they are very insecure and selfish.

Ugh.

Yes, PhantomLimb,

People in both families contacted nearly ExH, especially prior to knowledge of the "womanizing" he was doing. He had been a fairly social person and comes from a big family, and also thrives on "boohoo" or "woe is me", so for a time the sympathy and reaching out seemed to help. It fed the giant ego, too.

What I noticed and a few other people mentioned is the change in personality is so great and seems to reflect or be parallel to times when he is tight with OW. It's like a light switch and very frustrating.

NC I have worked very hard on too and find sometimes I have to say something. I am in a strong spell again and find if I stand up for myself lately, he is actually running further away! But I suspect he is in good with OW lately because of the fluxuation in behavior and the aloofness with everyone else.

A friend and a counselor both suggested that because he is aware people know what he did, maybe it makes OW more important, because she knows what he did (not all) and still accepts him? So to his warped way of thinking, she is a hero and he can also control her.

But...the minute anyone starts to question him, he will bail. I think of it lately as a defense mechanism?

I realized lately that I, too, compartmentalize and was actually horrified! But I do it when under stress or in problem sorting, not for sneaking and deceit. It can be used for good, if we let it!

I hope you won't get that email and if you do, I hope you'll be ready with a reply.

I think nearly Exh will never try again, for he's convinced that this family has nothing to offer him and is a bad place for him to be, when it is his actions that created that situation for him!

I hope you're feeling okay lately.

Thanks, Ashland!

I'm doing... okay. Went out with some friends for lunch and a walk. I was pretty sad and sluggish, but they understood.

A friend of a friend has heard that (x)WS has moved departments at his job and OW is now no longer working there. I found that minorly interesting... although it is like a game of telephone, so I have no idea if any of this info is correct. But it just reminded me how separate our lives are now. So much has happened in each of our lives in the last 3 mos. Again, I wonder if we even *could* talk to each other now... like, literally. I am such a different person as a result of this. He must be, too.

Mine never ever wanted to reconcile. There was some false 'R' for a bit, but even then he called it 'me dragging him back to the family'. He messed up hugely but the best thing he could have done for me was leave, as then (after 15 months of misery while he cheated) I really did leave him behind. Still not quite divorced after almost 28 years of marriage, we're friends and good co-parents to our grown up kids, and we both love other people (he's still with OW which is a huge problem for the kids (NC)but not for me). Life carries on remorselessly, whatever we do, and some day you just get past it. It's easier if they're not there.

A close friend of mine experienced something very similar after her dday and I remember her asking me, almost verbatim, the same questions. She couldn't understand where he went, how he could walk away so easily, etc.

He stayed mostly MIA during their D process and it was over quickly. She was still questioning it and it hurt her deeply.

The interesting thing is now she sees what I'm going through, all the drama, manipulation, games, etc. and is grateful that her situation played out the way it did.

Not that her heartbreak was any less, just that she feels lucky she had the emotional and physical space to focus on herself and heal. I found that a lot of drama after dday, is just as, if not more damaging than fInding out about the A.

I know NC is hard, but there is definitely an upside to having the opportunity to work solely on yourself during this challenging time. Kudos to you for having the insight and strength to do so.

I see it as a blessing for you. In my case, I won't have the opportunity to really work on my healing until I'm through D and he's out of my life.