SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm afraid that I'm going to have to disagree with the esteemed Dr. Phil here. I look at internet porn. I am not an unfaithful husband, and to suggest that I am is completely outrageous and insulting. My wife also looks at porn, and she isn't cheating on me.

To assert that someone must spend 100% of their mental energy on you or else they are unfaithful is ludicrous. If you cannot admit that you EVER find other people attractive, then you are merely hiding something, you're not a more noble or more devoted spouse.

This situation, like almost everything else, requires context to understand. the OPs H could be a sex addict. He could be a complete tool. He could be an awesome husband with anxiety issues. I don't know because I don't know the guy.

One thing I do know is that he is not some twisted deviant because he enjoys porno. It can be abused, but like alcohol, not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.

Did you read the first post? The one in which a newlywed BW is being sexually abandoned by a man who, when she's in bed, retreats to another room to clandestinely watch pornography and compulsively masturbate, filling a laundry basket with semen-encrusted clothing?

Porn is not a problem for many.

For others---including the OP to which the responses in this thread should be tailored--it is, indeed, a BIG problem, signaling HUGE intimacy issues. Not problems with the marriage, problems with the man who prefers solitary masturbation to pornography to sex with a willing, real partner.

For some, pornography is a "gateway drug." Some of our partners cannot or will not have sex with us, but will self-gratify, compulsively, with porn, then "graduate" to phone sex, and/or strippers, and/or AFF, and/or Craigslist hookups, and/or <fill in the blank with another non-intimate, solitary, stranger,or near-stranger sexual act that does NOT involve anything resembling emotional intimacy.>

This isn't the thread for those who do not have problems with normal porn use to defend their red-bloodedness.

That is NOT WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT.

I think the key issue in this conversation is that the WH in question is CONSISTENTLY choosing porn and masturbation over IRL sex with S or SO.

I consider my partner's private activities with his own body his own business....If his masturbation to porn becomes a bone of contention within the M, it is because his activities are so obvious and creepy to me that I know there is a problem... His activities are affecting other areas of our life, sex life being one..

That is when advice/support is needed...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:09 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Some people can have A beer.

Some cannot stop at 20 beers.

Some men can glance at porn.

Some me have apps for porn, go into other rooms to look for porn, like your H.

S-anon is a good place to start, so is this website:

yourbrainonporn.com

Porn addicts are different that just a guy and his wife watching porn. They often can't be in a close relationship, and their lives are consumed by porn. When they are with a real person, they see porn, not closeness.

Decade centrifuge , very well put and this fella agrees on all fronts. I have told my wife before, I dnt care where she gets her appetite as long as she eats at home

Im having a hard time understanding why people are not reading what her first post said...he is choosing porn over her. This is a problem.

Look.some people think going to strip club isn't cheating..some people do. Many people consider porn cheating,some don't. This is an infidelity support group. OP is clearly having issues with her husband choosing porn over her. If you can't understand and separate the differences between a man who uses porn and ignores his wife..and his wife is NOT ok with it..and a man who uses porn..still has sex with his wife often..and his wife is just fine with it...then,please..you have made your point clear. OP is in pain..very clearly..and for very good reason. We are here to support her...not insist our opinions are more important than her feelings.

And...this...", I dont care where she gets her appetite as long as she eats at home"...really? Do you know how many of us are here because our husbands got their "appetite" elsewhere?

Getting your "appetite" anywhere other than at home,after an affair,is an extremely dangerous thing to say..and to tell your WS ok could be considered reckless.

But again..what works in your marriage is fine. OP is not ok with porn..and that is fine too.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:04 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

(((Naunett)))

I remember the early days after dday. There was enough conflict in my real life that conflict on the boards was extremely uncomfortable to me.

This debate is not your fault. It has been discussed many many times.

If you are still reading and you desire support for what you are feeling or experiencing in your situation, feel free to start a new thread.

more supportive (((hugs)))

There are a lot of informative posts on this site. They are stickied or have a target next to the thread title. Also the Healing Library if you haven't looked there.

I'm SO relieved to find out I can get my appetite anywhere else in whatever form as long as the only D*** I get is from H.

I'm all over that.

Cuz you know, if I spend an hour+ a day chatting with someone else of a sexual nature, innuendos, touching, etc. Hey who cares, I'll go home and be happy with the once in a while sex because I'm dreaming of this other guy who really does it for me but I'm not cheating then right?

F this. I've been here too long.

Im having a hard time understanding why people are not reading what her first post said...he is choosing porn over her.

Where does it say this? It doesn't from what I read. I think some people are reading more into her post than is there.

He promised me no more, I caught him like 2 more times.

2 times? Is that it? or maybe 200? We don't know.

Don't assume 200.

I would wake up at night and he would be in the bathroom

and

the i noticed he had this new app on his phone that he said was to help him watch youtube vids. I found out this week that it was so he would watch porn, and look at pictures and masturbate

no mention of how often. Men can masterbate often even when in a healthy sexual relationship. Where is the evidence that this situation is IN THE EXTREME?

it got so bad that when we were intimate, he couldnt get it up

Here is evidence that they are still being intimate. The ED reasons are unclear so don't jump to conclusions about that.

Just rememeber that we see things not as they are but as WE are. Our own pasts and bias get in the way. People can read anything they want to in these posts. If something in them hits close to home or triggers your pain you will have a hard time seeing past your own stuff.

I am not trying to discount that H could be a sex/porn addict. You just can't tell it from what is in the original post.

I think it is dangerous to "diagnose" anyone as anything and give advice based on your assumtions. We will never have all the info from online posts and we are only getting one side of the story. (There are things in this post that make me wonder about her part in creating an unhappy enviornment? Could she not be contributing to a unhealthy, unhappy sex life for him and thus herself? Could she be making a mountain out of a mole hill as some have suggested? Maybe, I don't know.)

All we can do is share our stories and try not judge others-including the "guilty parties".

[This message edited by canteat at 8:07 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Nearly ExH apparently has a porn "thing" (because I don't know what to call it properly) and for me personally it was a problem because he chose to hide it from me from the day he met me and all along. He hid it from the rest of the world, also and made himself into this model citizen, award winning husband and parent. Yet when the door was closed and lights off, was off doing other things.

I think that if I were given the knowledge upfront and even allowed to share some of it with him, it would have been less of a problem.

He also used it as a vice and it's been suggested that he may be SA and it is a control mechanism.

Truth be told, I was more upset by the secrets than the acts because it added levels to the deceit. He also believed(s) it is normal and I am not and several counselors said that is a problem.

To me at least it seems kind of like the food we eat...anything in moderation doesn't seem so bad, but when it hinders and causes harm to relationships and people, perhaps there is a problem. When it causes lying, hiding, deceit...problem.

Naunette said

I found out about the porn and masturbation before we were married. I told him for us to go any further, he needs to understand how I feel about it, and that it can not continue. He agreed.

Naunette's H agreed to stop the porn and masterbation before they were M. Then he picked it back up,and has been sneaking off to do it. Had he not agreed to stop it, she may not have M him. He lied about it to get her to M him.

It doesn't matter if many of you posters think nothing is wrong with porn and masterbation. Naunette and her H agreed he would not do it, and he broke his side of the agreement.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 9:33 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Porn may or may not be the issue here, but it was a BIG issue in MY marriage. I always thought men jacked off and watched tits. I didn't stop my husband from going to strip clubs to "wet his appetite" That part really pisses me off but I wont talk about that right now. I watched porn with him. I enjoyed porn. The funny ones the sexy ones. I always thought we had a good relationship.

Come to find out, That hey, sense i didn't care about porn and was okay with it. My husband thought it was okay to join porn sites where he could chat with the ladies...but hey it is just talk and looking at pictures right? No problem there. Telling the chick he liked her tits and thought she was sexy and would LOVE to fuck her. THEN it moved on to sharing porn with a few old highschool buddies...but still no big deal, just photos and words. Then came some old highschool girl friends sharing photos of themselves then the personal chats where they shared information about me and how I didn't give it up to him enough...then that moved on to the THREE WEBSITES for their personal porn.

Porn can be porn for some but do not belittle someones' feelings about it. If it upsets them, and hurts their marriage in anyway. Then they need support and maybe advice on how to deal it, not made to feel like their are being ridiculous and over reacting. Now excuse me while i go and deal with this trigger now.

@Hurt: I don't think people here have been saying that it was okay for Naunett's husband to lie to her, or to break his promises. Lying to her is not cool, and I don't think I read a post here that supported his lying.

Personally, I just reacted to other posters claiming that people who consume porn are de facto cheaters. Actually following up and checking out what that dullard Dr. Phil had to say on the subject put me in a right nasty mood.

Hearing that things which are not cheating are actually equal to cheating hits a sore spot with me. "You watch porn", "you spend too much time with the video games", "it was always sports, not me"... all of that was used to make me feel like an equally guilty party when xWW screwed my "friends".

I'm probably not the most rational actor in this discussion, because false equivalence between porn viewing (or anything else) and infidelity drives me completely fucking nuts. As such, I'm going to bow out.

@Naunett: I wish you luck, and I strongly recommend marriage counseling.