SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there metamorphisis...thanks so much for the encouraging words.

Today I received an email from my BW at work. It gave me a lot of hope as she told me what we 'had' is what she wants back. And that she misses everything about us and just to give her time to rebuild/heal... I am so happy she sent me such a wonderful note... It brought me to tears to read all the things she told me she missed about us and how she wants 'us' back.

Thanks for everyone's support here...It really is helping me help her...and she is the most important thing in my life right now..

Thanks,

Update on a WH attempt to make things better:

We got back form holidays to Disneyland where we married a few years ago. All good there. Once home....feelings of unease returned.

Since then....we have been affectionate...although I am still at my dad's house.... I asked my BW if I could stay the days that I was off work...to watch movies and have snacks...like we used to do. So thats where its at. My days off are Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon... I am leaving that up to her of course......everything is up to her .... I love her and I will do what make her feel better.

I have also changed squads in our department to ensure I do not work with or am in the same briefing as the OW..... I also changed my cell number.....(good call UKGirl...) My BW thanked me for that.....and I feel good doing that.

The weekend is here.....my BW and I are going to be hanging out...dinner...movies...and I HOPE to spend the weekend there...and keep making it right...

Thanks so much to everyone....I mean it. !!

I'm glad to see you still being pro-active and making changes Danntonio. Are you keeping up with your counseling sessions too? It's very important to you both that you do so to make sure you become fully healthy for yourself, and for your wife to see that if she opens up a little to you (which is what she seems to be doing) you don't just 'stop' with the digging and just try to go back to how it was before. Changing squads and your phone number were both very good moves on your part. Keep up the good work - it does seem to be working so far.

It's very important to you both that you do so to make sure you become fully healthy for yourself

That right there. You are doing many good things. What about the internal work on your thought processes? How are you doing replacing the coping skills and dealing with your stressful job?

BS here too.

Give her space. Bottom line is it's up to her. Some BS want to work it out. True remorse is a good thing, make sure there's NC letter with OW, etc.

I decided immediately I wanted to salvage my marriage after DD. But I think it depends on the person. It's not an easy road. It's like a death. Either way it sucks. She will go through roller coaster rides of depression, sadness, anger, obsessive thoughts, mind movies of your intimacy with OW, fear...it's a living hell at first and apparently takes about 2 years on average to get through an affair, sometimes longer.

I think it's a good start to work on you. She will need total transparency at the very least. Good luck.

sinsof thefather.... Yes.....We are both keeping up our counseling sessions. We are going to set up couples counseling. They do help. Changing squads was a big thing for my BW...she was very relieved to here that I have made that happen...as well as the phone number. Thank you !!!

uncertainone... I have been thinking about how I need to address stress at work...how I need to find different ways to cope. I am going to continue with the counseling sessions....ask advice of the counselor as to how I can...or where I can seek alternative help. I have talked with the counselor about my boundaries at work and continue to make those really and professional. I fully admit that I have wronged someone I love...and I think about it everyday and think about how I wont do it again...EVER ! As for work related stress, I am within nine months of transferring to the west coast....and at that time, I hope to get out of what I do into something healthier.... Thanks so much...

Painfuljourney.... thank you for responding. I am with you...I agree...its totally up to her and I am letting her make the choices. There is nothing even attempt to force. Tonight...I did some work at our house...some renos...some housework..etc...and then left and note and came back to my sisters. When my BW called me after she got home from work...she said she had hoped we could have spent some time together tonight. So I asked her to dinner..and we met and spent some really wonderful time with one another.....After dinner hung out for a while and were affectionate. I am giving her every bit of time and space she needs. She is worth it and I am going to help her every step of the way. Thank you very much !!

Thanks everyone...this site and your responses have help me so much !!

I am glad to see that your BW can still want to spend time with you. As a BW I have found that my WH is a source of comfort even though he is the reason I need comfort.

It is great that you are receiving the IC, many people don't know the benefit of another point of view in your situation that can bring healing. I have been in the Fire/Rescue field for over 30 years and I know how the job can cause stress and kill relationships.

My BH and I have just returned from a family vacation feeling renewed and hopeful. My wish and prayers are that you and your BW can enjoy this feeling too in the not to distant future.

Hi everyone and thanks 5674emt for posting.

Update: Things are going very well..... I spent the weekend with my BW at our house... We went out shopping for coffee tables....for some odd reason after 8 years we are still shopping for coffee tables??? Anywho.....while at the store, a salesperson told me that a beautiful bedroom suite was on sale..... I thought to myself..."things are going well...yes!" I told my BW she deserved a new bedroom suite for all the work she has done around the house.... She was really happy !!! So we bought it. While at COSTCO we were looking at watches and and rings and things....she said.."hey there is a beautiful wedding band... you need one" (for the one I lost last year).

So....I am trying to make things good...giving her the time.... I spent the weekend with her till Tuesday...then I am now at my dad's.... things are going well..I think. Another counseling session coming up on the 5th.

To my BW: I love you ... I am so sorry for hurting you... I am going to do my best to make you happy..to make you feel secure and warm...I love you !!!

Thanks to all of you...

Ups and Downs...

Hi there....things have been going along very well.. Sometimes life seems to be back to normal. And then not. Today I emailed and called my BW from work and got no responses....until I got one that said "having a bad day....dont feel like chatting" I know these can be expected... I responded to her that I understand and am here for her anytime she needs me. I told her I love her and am so sorry for making her life a mess...for hurting her so much. I dont know what else to do when she has a bad day...

Thanks,

It sounds like you are giving the space, time and encouragement she is craving. Yes, there will be days of sadness. They are usually followed by days of relief. Just keep letting her know she is your New World.

Hello all...and thank you 5674emt:

I am giving her the space she needs. We are attending couples counseling now after several sessions of individual counseling. I just want to say that having a neutral well read counselor helps very much. Anyways.....I am still at my dad's part-time....I spend all of our weekends sleeping at home with my BW. We are really working on this together and I am so thankful that I have her in my life still. I have had NO contact with OW...I have changed squads and followed through with everything I have learned from this site, our counselor and your advice. I am truly committed to making things 1000% better than they every were and making sure she knows that everyday. Things are going well....and I thank everyone. I also thank whomever suggested I read the Five Languages of Love.....it is a really good book for absolutely any couple at any stage of their relationship.

A question if I can ask is.....I am worried about meeting her family and friends again. What can I expect? I am really ashamed at my behavior and how I have harmed their daughter/sister/friend.....

Thank you all so much,

I'm happy to see such a positive update Danntonio. You've given yourself the best chance possible by not just paying lip service to your changes but following through on them. Keep it up!

Now, for the family and friends question - well what you can expect from them will be as individual as they are. Discuss this with your wife first so that you can come to an agreement on how you are going to deal with this together, but my best advice is to be upfront and not try to ignore the elephant in the room if these people already know about your affair. Especially with her family, but friends too if they are close. Apologise for hurting their daughter/relation/friend and just say what you have told us here, that you are ashamed of your actions, but that you have changed your ways for good, are determined to help her heal now, and are working to make amends to her and make your marriage stronger.

I don't think you need to go into any more detail with them than that, but decide this between you and your wife first before you meet any of these people, so that you'll reach an agreement and know what to say if someone does ask more. Her parents may want to know more and may also want to talk to you privately, and if they do, just be honest and open with them - respecting the fact that you have hurt their daughter.

I think 'most' people will follow your wife's lead, and if she is allowing you the chance to prove yourself they will 'probably' respect her decision too. If you and your wife are fully in R then anyone not supportive of that really needs to be cut loose as a non-friend of the marriage.

I hope things continue to go well for you.

sinsof thefather <<< Thank you for that advice. It makes absolute sense what you said. I hope one day I can be a part of her family again. I am just afraid of course....but what you said really makes sense. Appreciated !!

Oh and thank you for recommending the book...it really is a good book and opened my eyes to how to make any marriage/relationship better..

I need some Help... please

I have posted of how what a bad thing I did.....how I have taken steps to make sure I dont follow that path...how I have tried to help me BW.....and things seemed to be going well....aside from...

She wants to know WHY I did this.....and I dont have an explanation....I really dont know....but that is a KEY issue with her dealing with this.....

Help? I dont know

Thanks

Danntonio, earlier in this thread you wrote this:

Why? A long time ago...when I was married to my first wife (did not end thru Betrayal) I worked at a university in research. It was a very professional environment. I became friends with one women who started telling me about her personal life etc and finally ended up asking me to have an affair. I felt sick to my stomach and said NO I would never do that..and we never talked again. After I became employed with law-enforcement....where it seemed it was just dysfunction day in and day out. It seemed normal for people to gossip about who was sleeping with whom. It seemed normal to openly talk about sex and sleeping with other people....... This dysfunction came to be a day to day thing. I never talked or thought like that when I worked at the university. There is an endless amount of time to talk to people....meet for coffee...socialize... There isnt much to do if nothing is happening. There is a high level of stress at certain points....and what would be horrific to people not in this arena....becomes a joke to many of us. I am not blaming my job...please...I am just saying that it is very dysfunctional and can twist reality very negatively. I was never very flirty or anything like that....but I started to become that way....very flirty...and it seemed all well and fine amongst my colleagues. And .... it fed my ego to have positive replies to my flirting....and one day the OW said "I have an open marriage"....and thats where it began. I dont know how my morality became so twisted to think it was right.....

You said it 'started' when OW said 'I have an open marriage' but I think you will come to find that it really started a lot earlier than that. Certain things, coping strategies etc., could have started all the way back within your family of origin when you were a child, (FOO issues), - or maybe you developed some issues later, but something in you made you react the way you did (having an affair) to what went on around you. That's what you need to find.

This is what you should to be working on with your IC. Tell him/her that you need to work on this in depth - because what you have written here is only the first layer of your 'why'. It's the surface 'why' if you like.... the starting point of why.

You need to dig deeper and keep asking more 'why' questions as you go along. If it were me (and take this part of my advice with a big caveat because I have never been a WS - I am only theorising here and repeating what I've read. I'm not speaking from experience) but if it were me I would start with how being around other people who were flirting with each other made you feel, and then ask yourself why you felt that way. Then go on to ask yourself why did you then start to become 'flirty' when you joined in those conversations, and then work onward from there.

What were you 'getting' from being flirty...or being flirted with....and once you've answered that, ask 'why' to that answer and then keep on going. So, it's basically not stopping at what you've already said above, and it's asking why about every new answer until you start to get to the deeper ones.

Once again, this is only my opinion - but try to look at what you wrote above as a starting point. Question everything you wrote and go from there. Even if the answers seem easy in the beginning I think you will find that they will get harder as you go along.

Good Luck with the digging.

ETA. Actually, just going from the account above, I'd ask about that woman at your first job, when she used to tell you all her personal details - how did that make you feel? Did you feel uncomfortable that she did that? Did you join in and tell her some of your own personal details? Or if you were uncomfortable why didn't you ask her to stop?

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 1:58 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Hello Sinsofthefather and thank you...

First....I have been trying to figure it out and I appreciate your advice.... Agreed...I think the 'flirting' behaviour is a good place to start and I will bring that up in counseling. The flirting actually made me feel good I guess...and why? There is not flirting at home....and so maybe that is something that is a gap? Thanks for providing that advice...

When the women started telling me more personal details at my other work...it started to make me feel uncomfortable...but I guess I never thought (cause I was young perhaps?) that she would end up asking me to have an affair. I dont know where I 'lost' that uncomfortable feeling and the guilt... It is something I am going to rebuild in me and already have.

Thanks so much.... I am having a good weekend with my BW....I love her so much.

Really glad that you are still working toward healing the damage by focusing on fixing the M. As a BW, I can verify that everyday my fWH stays faithful and committed to R, I heal a little more.

His Why was complicated because he was invited to be a PORN STAR by an Xfriend and his wife. WH would be with the OW and the H would be the audience. fWH did not see a problem since he had the H's permission. Porn is the basis for nothing but bad choices. I do give him a little credit, the invitation never got to me even though the OH wanted me involved.

Keep up the hard, but worth it, work.

Hey there. I read through your entire post as I had not kept up since I posted to you in July. I am the BS that had 1 year of model R and then left my FWH because he had hidden porn from me.

And I want to say, hang in there. You're doing great. You really are. My FWH and I are pretty much fully reconciled because the shock of me walking out and getting ready for a divorce finally got thru the last (I hope and pray) bits of him hiding from me, keeping things from me "for my own good," and trying to decide what I did and didn't need to know. Didn't work too good for him we were within 3 days of my appt with my divorce lawyer when he woke up.

That was a WHY that he had to find and figure out. WHY would something like printed porn be SO important to him that he would throw away 21 years of marriage to keep it. What was it all about. Wasn't the fact that it was porn, it was what it represented to him. And once he figure out that it WAS the representation of what it stood for, his IC and self-reflection jumped forward in leaps and bounds.

So keep digging for that ultimate why. If you get stuck, look at the question why, at a different angle. Explore what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what connections flit thru your mind. You'll get there and, more importantly, you will become the man that you always were meant to be. (((hugs))) You really are doing GOOD work!

Dantonio,

You are doing it all right. I am a BS whose husband was very much like you in that he worked his ass off to prove himself. Although we had the trickle truth issue, which is almost worse that the original infidelity, he changed his ways and has been amazing ever since. In fact, our therapist is amazed at how well we have done. We are at almost 4years and would consider ourselves fully reconciled, and it is better than ever.

You will get there...just keep doing what you are doing and I have a feeling you will both make it. Hugs to you both.

Also, thank you for protecting us... I know you are in a very dangerous and sometimes thankless profession.

Hello all and thank you so much 5674emt, Skan, hurtinghearts : )

Update for you wonderfully helpful people .... Couples counseling is continuing. We are taking advice from the counselor and working through our emotions and reasons and everything. My BW seems happier with how things have been going.....our counselor does too...as do I. I am working my way back into her life.....our life. The counselor told my BW that we cant keep living apart for every if we are going to Reconcile.. So she suggested we turn try to make our part-time living arrangement to more... Right now I spend weekends...it was suggested we move it up to three or four days a week..... So....we are moving to that now.

Still no contact...I am still on a different squad..... I have absolutely installed boundaries or limits on what I talk about at work with partners... I am very aware of those boundaries !! I leave my cell-phone on the counter with all my accounts open for her to browse whenever she likes.

I want to again thank the people that recommended reading The Five Languages of Love....it really could be read by anyone...its a good book.

I want to thank all of you as well for helping me through this hell of a mess I created....you really have helped. I am going to keep boring all of you with updates of course...and when I feel like I have the knowledge...the skill...the wisdom...I will be more of a contributor to this community. I am still trying to get our marriage on the right healthy track.

Be well everyone :)