This is HORRIBLY long. It’s the 180 list and my questions as I read it. I don’t know how to make the boxes in the text, so hopefully, the 180 stuff will stay bold. Any clarity you could give would be appreciated.
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
We’re past that stage, I think. I begged back in Dec/Jan. Since then, since he told me on a tournament trip with one of our children back in February that he really did love me and felt “in love” with me again, we’ve both just been trying to make things work.
No frequent phone calls.
Only when I need to actually speak with him about something relating to our family. I do send loving text messages when he’s out of town. I usually respond to his, but I initiate, too. Are you saying not to do that?
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Haven’t felt a need to do this.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
I don’t (I did back in Dec/Jan) anymore. I do join him mid-way through a television baseball/soccer game or ask if he’d like to watch a movie with me/us.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Seems counter-productive at this point. What kind of discussion about the future? Future of the marriage? Future like what we’re going to do at Christmas? Future of how we get our daughter to college in a few weeks?
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
No one knows.
Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts.
I told him last night, in a discussion my IC encouraged me to have with him, that I wanted gifts. He bought gifts for her; I want gifts for me.
Don't schedule dates together.
We’re going to a wedding this weekend. Should I cancel? A best friend is coming from out-of-state for it. It seems petty to back out at this point. And what if HE schedules dates? A couple nights ago, I overheard him telling one of our boys that he’d help him when he got home. First, he and I needed to do an errand. Then he “kidnapped” me and we went and bought ice cream. For me, that initiation on his part was positive. Do I want to halt that?
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
He tells me all the time that he loves me. He texts me. He e-mails me. He calls me. Even when he’s not being sexual, he’s very affectionate. He kisses me and holds my hand and puts his arm around me. For us, this is progress. I didn’t ask for it, but since the February trip, he has done these loving things more and more.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
My life as the mother of four children is very busy. I do what I’ve always done. I go to work and church and talk to friends and volunteer, etc.
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
I have been—on the surface—since about the end of January. Once he confessed and he recommitted to me/our family, I knew we weren’t in the clear, but I felt better just knowing my radar had not been wrong. Today, however, I’ve been sad. My perceptive daughter, as soon as I walked upstairs from being gone all day, saw me and asked what was wrong. I just said I had a lot on my mind. He’s gone on a business trip for 3 days, so . . .
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
Have addressed this. I have. My life is the kind where it can’t be avoided.
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
Again, I thought we were past this. At this point, I would feel like I was pouting or sulking.
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
I do ask who he’s e-mailing or why he chuckles at a particular text or some such thing. I could stop that. I probably should stop that.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
This is hard, now, because I begged him—back in January—to tell me the truth and told him I’d already forgiven him (because I thought the prostitutes and the escorts were just a freak , act-out for him and didn’t know about the affair).
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
I stand up for myself. I ask him for help with certain chores he’d prefer not to do but he has, 95 percent of the time, said yes. He snapped at me for the first time in a while last week, several days after dropping the doseage on his anti-anxiety meds. I didn’t react (I’d have cried if I said anything); I just stayed quiet to compose myself. He moderated his voice and then, later that evening, told me he’d taken the fast-acting anti-anxiety meds the doc had given him for help in those kinds of situations.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
Truthfully, I don’t know what he doesn’t see in me. Most people like me. I have lots of friends (male and female). I’m beautiful (according to him and others), I’m thin, I’m intelligent, I speak multiple languages, I’m not particularly witty but I have a good sense of humor, I’m a good parent, I honor my vows and my commitments, I’m honest, I’m fit, I’m a decent cook and housekeeper, I'm an enthusiastic bed partner.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
What if it’s assigned by my IC? I’d told her it hurt my feelings when he let big occasions pass without cards/gifts. I wanted him to get there on his own, organically, but she said he needed to be told.
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
I was teary last night, but pretty composed. I heard things I didn’t want to hear and did alright. I don’t swear (ever). I don’t scream. And I didn’t lose my temper. I call his mistress Jezebel (because her name is so similar to mine I refuse to use it); he doesn’t like that, I don’t think, although he’s said nothing.
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
I’m just myself.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
He tells me how he feels; I tell him how I feel.
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
What he hasn’t said directly, but what I think he thinks is that he’s wounded me too much and too unfairly for us to move forward. We both belong to and have grown up in a religion that preaches absolute marital fidelity. If our ecclesiastical leader knew of his actions, he’d be excommunicated. He professes himself—since he tangled himself up with her—an atheist (although she isn’t) and our faith preaches that we’ll be together eternally. So I think he feels guilty about that. Our daughter will barely speak to him because of his “apostasy.” His sons don’t know. He goes to a family church meeting with us but none of the others. After prayers, he no longer says amen; he says thanks (to whomever said the prayer). So while I’d love for my husband to believe as I believe, I think that that sorting is best left to God. If there’s no God, then there’s no problem. If there is, well, He’s the judge.
Last night, he said that I don’t laugh at his jokes anymore—that I can’t tell when he’s joking. I told him—and he understood—that it was maybe because of the dynamics in our relationship, that it was because I often needed to defend myself/others from his humor, that I was always afraid of making mistakes. He knows he’s emotionally abused me. He has gotten much better in the last five years or so—which is why he says he’s not “so” messed up any more and only plain ol’ messed up. He’s been wonderful since February.
He knows the porn viewing wounds me deeply. He knows it makes me feel worthless and ugly and undesirable. So when he’s honest about the use, it hurts me. He says it’s about him, not about me. My mind knows that, but my heart still aches. I’ve learned that he’ll always be a SA and that he’ll always fight it. He thinks I don’t accept that. I do. He thinks I love a man who looks like him but who isn’t him. He thinks I fell in love with the façade he showed when dating—not the real him. Well, I did, but I’ve grown to love the real him (just not all the behaviors that go with him).
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Again, seems counter-productive. I’ve generally said nothing—too many people around for me to speak out. When I left the get-together yesterday while he was telling his story, I just quietly got up and walked out. No one knew. I texted him that I was walking home. That’s all. Should I have sat there and pretended it didn’t hurt?
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
I try. I’ve not eaten today because I’m too bothered to eat, but I sleep and exercise and laugh. My life is so intertwined (probably like most) that it’s hard to control any of it. I control what I can. Wives of addicts are usually good at that, right? Or so my IC says. I’ve actually, paradoxically, been trying to let go and not control so tightly all that goes on within the walls of my home. He—and our children—have learned that I won’t always bail them out. They goofed; they need to fix it.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Don’t think I’ll ever, EVER, be confident again. People believe I’m strong, though. My therapist says I’m getting stronger. And I have a soft voice. ☺
