SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

sorryww,

From your original post, I can relate a bit about being extremely naive and not enjoying affair sex. One of my best friends from high school became the OM when we were in college, but the first time he made a pass at me, I froze up, maybe I should have known being alone with him in his dorm room that that kind of thing was going to happen. I ignored it, and to avoid confrontation, we didn't speak for about a year, thinking that should get the point across. We went to a party a year later, and afterwards, he invited me over. I was definitely in denial about what was happening and caught up in a lot of unrelated emotions about it. I felt violated that he would violate our friendship this way, and the sex was terrible and devastating.

It took a long time to realize I was violating myself. My past had conditioned me to respond a certain way to sexual advances. I sought validation that I could control the past by putting myself in dangerous situations that I thought would empower me, allow me to be in control, say no for once. I was just reenacting the past, causing myself more harm. It was not the way to go about healing. It was really unhealthy.

You say that your husband was verbally abusive. Is he still? How have you healed from that? Are you in counseling? Stillovinghim makes a great point in that finding out why you made the choices you did is really vital and she explains well on how to go about digging around in your own mind to seek out some of those answers.

It will take time and effort and taking yourself out of your comfort zone. I can see you're not ready to dig too deep yet, but that is where you have to go if you want to be healthy and happy. Let go of the outcomes, whether your husband stays or goes, forgives or doesn't. You can only control you and your own choices.

sorryww, how do you handle difficulties? Do you register the full extent of them or do you "rosy" them up as much as possible?

Sometimes fully acknowledging how bad something is can be almost impossible for some people if they see no options in dealing with the situation.

I can completely relate to a bit of this. Through my childhood there are holes in my memory. When something sparks a "tape", like a smell or even the tone of someone's voice, the physical reactions are very scary. I posted a while ago about being in an elevator at work and smelling Shalimar...a perfume my mother wore. My boss thought he'd have to call the paramedics. I seriously damn near blacked out and couldn't get out of the elevator. Couldn't even move. I handled by basically disassociating. It was happening to someone else, not me. It was almost clinical.

Some people deal by rosifying it. Literally spinning an alternate reality. My ex's mom did that. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't witness it myself. Would talk glowingly of my ex's father (who was a real asshole). The sun rose and set for her "sugar" (Shreveport LA...beautiful accent). The day he had his stroke she waited 45 min to call the paramedics and while he was in the hospital bought 2 black dresses to wear to his funeral. When the bastard had the indecency to live he was out of her house. We had to take him in and I took care of him. She wouldn't even mention his name and the hours of listening to what a fucking asshole he was all those years started.

Living through my experiences and watching hers, I can actually understand how someone would not register reality until it was literally on top of them. It's amazing what your mind can do to keep its owner driving between the two white lines to keep from careening over the cliff. Look what the human body is capable of just to keep blood pressure constant. Shutting down extremities, sacrificing the less critical organs first. Shit, NASA isn't always that together.

I would suggest a different goal than moving past this and your husbands response. Seems like that could be business as usual for you. How about starting at the beginning. What was the impetus to "need" someone to talk to? Take the other person out of the equation. How could you have been there for you? As an advocate? A protector? A comforter? A problem solver? You can be all those things and then some. You can even be proactive in keeping yourself safe.

Problem when you outsource these tasks you get other people's agendas and end up in hotel rooms having horrible sex and feeling like shit afterwards.

Learn how to be safe for yourself. The rest will fall into place once you've got that down.

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:43 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

I never planned to have an affair. My husband was terribly abusive both before and after the affair. My AP was a friend. I wasn't attracted to him. He didn't talk to me any differently than he talked to anyone else.

What I'm trying to get at is regardless of any situation there is a point where things change. There is a point where you can still stop. But once that point is crossed it almost feels impossible to stop. For many of us it was impossible. Recognizing THAT point will help you realize why it happened. And how to avoid that point in the future. It feels much like getting caught in a whirlpool. You HAVE to take responsibility. Or are you implying that he raped you? I get being naive. But really, is any sexually experienced adult THAT naive? One room? You're a grown up, get your own room. Definitely talking to a counselor will help but you have to be willing to be honest with yourself.