SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your advice I the same as all the advice I get from anyone who is willing to listen. It's just hard. Part of my personal demons is the need for acceptance and love. I've always had that and figured this all out through IC. Now my best friend an the only true person in my life for the last 24 years isn't sure she can get past what I've done. We have 2 kids together 11 and 13 both active. We've built a great environment for us as a family. I have figured out why I did what I did and why I continued it for 3 months. My BS has told me over and over that she's proud of my efforts. That's the reason why I'm still with her 10 months later. But the fear of the unknown and the fear of whether she can stop the anger and be able to R with me is frightening. Our 16 year anniversary is Friday and she doesn't want to celebrate at all. We're both tired of this situation and tired of always talking about it....it's like there's an elephant in the back of the room. We both have said we wish we could just forget and move forward but that's not reality. This sucks.

BS here. Most recent and heartwrenching Dday July 8th 2013.

Forgiveness is a choice. It is an active choice, and it wasn't until I decided to forgive my husband did I experience any peace. I forgive him by not dwelling on his past behaviors, I do not allow myself to be bitter but it's not easy..it takes effort. Some people wait for the pain to subside before they do this, without realizing that this is what begins the healing process.

Your wifes bitterness, anger and unforgiveness will destroy any chances of restoration. Give her the space she needs, try to understand her pain...I say to my husband during a trigger, "just bare with me" and keep working on yourself. There is nothing more attractive then a mentally and emotionally healthy person. Keep reminding her of your love and that you are truely sorry, willing to do anything.

I knew I had to move out and give her space. She had been saying for a while that she was struggling but I was hoping that time would heal. And I think it will just not with me in the house. I knew this but I was so afraid to lose our marriage that I held on. I continued IC and we did MC. I started on this blog. I looked up things like emotional connection. I tried everything but leaving and in the end this is the only choice. I will miss my wife and children something awful. She will never keep them from me but it just won't be the same. I will miss our conversations. Our quality time we always enjoyed. But I know this Is her choice not mine. It's the right thing to do. It's the only way I'll truly get my marriage back. I will continue to tell her how much I love her. I will continue to go to IC. I will continue to be a good dad. I just pray to God that she can stop the anger and miss me and our 16 years enough to give our relationship another chance.

kroma,

After d-day, my only thought was of saving my marriage. I was a model WS. My healing truly began when I realized that our marriage might not make it, but I HAD to make it. There was no other option. I had to come out on the other side of this shit-show better than I had gone in, and that was my only option. The marriage surviving would have been wonderful, but me surviving was imperative.

Chin up. All these things you're doing need to be about what you need to do to become the person that you need to be. Your marriage may not survive. And you are going to need to be OK with that.

ttf

Trytoforgive,

I can definatively tell you this that right now at the point where I am, I have to keep the hope of my marriage alive. I am giving her the space she needs and I know that it's her choice to have me back or not. But I cannot come to grips with our marriage being over. Maybe that'll change someday. But right now that to me is not an option. I have been fighting for my marriage for 10 months. We have endured 16 years married and 9 years of friendship before that. We have 2 wonderful kids and a shared soul together. Through IC, psychs, and others I have realized a lot of who I am and why I did what I did. But that doesn't define me. I was a damn good husband and friend for many years and if it were to be over than what a waste of a marriage this would be. I will do everything in my power to keep our hopes and dreams alive until the end. This may be a bad thing on my part but I refuse to think about the what if's and focus on the I knows. I have to. I just have to.

kroma,

I know. Please believe me when I tell you that I know exactly- word for word- feeling for feeling- what you are going through.

I fought for my marriage throughout my entire marriage before my affair- and then I gave up. My d-day was 4 years ago (today), and I fought like hell afterwards, too.

You don't have to give up on your marriage. But you do have to let go of the outcome. You have to realize that the consequences of your actions may not be a whole, healed, better-than-EVAR marriage. She might not ever be able to reconcile the man she married with the man that ripped out her heart and let her bleed out. You don't get to make that choice for her. You are only responsible for her healing as much as she will allow you to be- you're responsible for your healing no matter what happens with your marriage.

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 3:30 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

kroma, is your BW in IC? If not, would she consider it? Are you two going to still attend MC?

At 10 months after DDay, I was exactly where your BW is. On our 14th wedding anniversary (10 months and 1 day after DDay), I BEGGED (literally - hands and knees stuff) my FWH to grant me a divorce. Despite the fact that my H had been a model remorseful former wayward and had worked hard to identify and begin to address his issues, the pain was too great, my rage was intense, and I felt lost and defeated.

In an IC session shortly after I pleaded for a divorce, I began to understand why my anger and desperation was so great: I pride myself on being a "strong" woman and that behavior was modeled for me by my mother and was held out as the ideal. I grew up thinking that showing emotion was weak, accepting anything less than what you demanded was weak. Staying with a husband who cheated seemed like the weakest thing possible to me and I was having a really hard time being okay with being weak. By staying with my H, I felt I was betraying what I believed was my true self. What I learned over the next several months is that working through R made me anything but weak. I had to come to grips with my own "shortcomings" in order to reach acceptance and begin to move forward.

We are now 20 months post-DDay and still together, happily. He still continues to work on himself, but we are going to make it. Time is very much a 4-letter word, but it's true that it does take time and patience to work through this muck.

Good luck to you. I wish both you and your W healing.

Kroma: Thanks for your post. I can relate exactly to how you feel. My BW and I are only 2 months out from DDay. I feel the exact same as you and the responses to this thread have been a blessing to me. I have arranged to have access to a friend's empty bedroom, but I fear I may also need an apartment somewhere when my welcome wears out. Keep your chin up and I'll try to do the same!

When this 1st happened (D-Day 09-30-12) my BW immediately put our children in IC. Lasted a month. Thankfully I have really great grounded kids. My BW has been in IC ever since. She has also been on anti-anxiety meds even before the A. We have gone to MC twice in the past month and she has agreed to continue to go every 2 weeks. For how long is up to her.

You're right. The outcome is completely in her court. I know this. This is an extremely difficult week for us. The A happened with a subordinate at my job. We do not work in the same location anymore. Last November she filed a sexual harrassment against me even though it was completely consensual. The OW was angry that I didn't continue with her and wanted my family so this was her revenge. Yesterday was my hearing and I was demoted and was suspended for 30 days w/out pay. From 1 point of view this was a relief bc I thought this chapter in my nightmare of a story could be closed. I looked forward to celebrating with my BS for months. But bc of the place she is at right now there was more pain than good bc it just brings it all back. I knew what would happen to me but it didn't matter as long as I had my family. My job is just that. A job.

Also today is 1 year that I killed our family dog driving into my driveway with the OW. Something I admitted to my BS. She was and still is devestated by that as am I.

Tomorrow is our 16 year anniversary and she wants nothing to do with it. No card. No mentioning of it. No nothing.

Last night while going to bed our issues came up once again. I keep telling her how much I love her. I keep talking about how happy we were and how happy we could be if she was able to not be angry and let me back into her heart....whenever that could happen. She flipped out and told me she hated me. She hated what I did. She wished I had taken the easy road and stayed with the OW. Wished she never took me back so fast. Her last words was please leave me alone. Those words were painful. Slept in the guest bedroom and she woke me up and all she could say was that she was sorry for saying she hated me. That she didn't but was just angry.

Right now I stand here a broken man. I feel humiliated. Guilty. Ashamed.Lonely. Broken hearted. Hopeless. Frustrated. Confused. Angry. I'm tired of this nightmare. I'm tired of trying to be a better husband, father, and friend bc when I feel good I get knocked right back on my ass.

Everyone's advice is very helpful. I read other's stories and we all have similar issues and problems. Some more f'd up than others (Speaking for myself). Last October I experienced hell and swore to never go back again. Right now I feel like I'm right smack dab in the middle of it again. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up.

All I can do is pray that my wife forgives me someday.

Today is our 16 year anniverasry. I feel good and bad right now and I'll explain why.

Yesterday was a bad day and we both knew it before it even started. Not much contact during the day but something happened last night that was interesting. She came home and we sat and talked over a drink or two per our usual routine. But for the 1st time in a long time we never talked about the situation we're in. Never talked about what happened or about saving the marriage or about the future of the relationship. We talked about so many other things and we had a good night. It lasted through dinner and to bed. It felt comfortable. No tension.

This morning we both went through the usual routine of getting ready for work. I gave her a hug and a kiss before leaving and said I love you. I noticed she didn't say it back but that's not uncommon these days. Before I walked out I left a letter I wrote yesterday on the kitchen table for her to read while I was gone. It was my own sort of anniversary card. I was that guy that bought a hallmark card and all I ever wrote was Love Me at the end. This time I decided to write my own words and I basically wrote 2 pages of great memories from our past including our wedding day and the birth of our 2 kids. I made it a point not to put anything in there about our past year and situation. I drove to work with my phone on my lap waiting for a text. Hoping for a smile, a thank you, you're an asshole, anything. It's been almost an hour and my phone hasn't made a noise.

I know she told me she didn't want to celebrate our anniversary this year bc my A happened during this time last year. I get it. But it doesn't mean I don't hurt.

So I've come to the conclusion that unless she brings anything up about the A then I will try and carry on with daily routines and act as "normal" as possible. I will keep giving her the little space she needs until I move out in 2 weeks. Who knows? Maybe by doing this I can give her a 2 week head start on her healing process. That's 2 weeks closer to R......hopefully.

Just recieved a text saying "Thank you. It was beautiful".

Gives me a small sliver of hope.......

I'm only 6 weeks from DD and things are going as well as they could go I think. But as a betrayed spouse I can see how hard this is going to be and in 10 months, who knows?

What helps? It's different for everyone. But for us right now we are reading, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages". Both books have helped us realize how both our needs have not been met for 10 years at least.

We are touching and kissing a lot, but that is because that is one of my needs, sex is also very important to me. But your wife may have other needs, so I suggest you explore what she needs from you. It maybe be gifts, recreation, each person is different.

It might be too late too. You might have to accept that. I know the window for most of us is narrow. I knew on day one of DD that I wanted to reconcile. Even though it fucking hurts so bad. The alternative hurts even more. I love him. I keep going back to that.

I have the mind movies and images daily and nightly, it's awful. It's hard to get past those. I ask questions every few days and we both cry and get totally exhausted.

It's a hard road. So while I understand you are feeling frustrated at 10 months, it can take years to mend this from what I've read. If that is the case then so be it. If you wife is worth it you need to back off and quit expecting her to heal. Everyone is different. I suggest reading tons of books on marriage together. Do some intenstive soul searching together. Find out what she wants from you.

Faith is also what gets me through. Without it I'd probably be divorcing and get in another fucked up relationship.

Edited to add, this isn't about you right now. She could care less about your needs. I mean to say you owe her total unselfishness right now. Don't expect her to feed your need for forgiveness or acceptance. You have get tough and get that from yourself at this point. Whenever my WH acts needy at this stage I get angry.

[This message edited by Painfuljourney at 9:01 AM, August 16th (Friday)]

Kroma, I hope today continues to have moments of sweet with the bitter. Happy anniversary.

It can be a really difficult balance to find, between dwelling on the affair and paying it enough attention. I don't believe it is healthy if it is the only topic of conversation, ever. If all we are talking about is the heaviness that is the affair and repairing our relationship, how can we remember what it is we are trying to save? We can get so caught up in the emotional depths of the experience of the A, that we forget how nice it is just to hold hands with our spouse, or talk about the kids or our day or plans for the garden...

At some point - probably eight months in? - our MC helped us work out guidelines that we were comfortable with that helped us contain the A talk to certain times and places. It made moving forward a lot easier when we could do something fun together without the A coming up every time. It is an important part of R, IME.

With the move coming up, perhaps you could start setting up specific times for specific activities with your BW. Perhaps Friday nights will be "date nights" where the A is not brought up, and you spend the evening reconnecting. And Sunday and Wednesday evenings are for sitting down and discussing any A related questions that have come up, etc. Maybe a shared journal would be useful, a lot of people on this forum have used that successfully. She can write down thoughts and questions throughout the week, and you respond at an agreed on time.

I do think, with you moving out of the house, that it will be important that the two of you spend time together that is not focussed on the A, or even on repairing the marriage - but is instead focussed on finding your connection again through spending time together in fun and undemanding ways. Good luck.

I just got a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. Run don't walk to the nearest book store and pick it up. It's really really good. Just by skimming it I like what it says.

BS here. I am so grateful to be able to read these posts. The heartfelt sincerity, the agony of the struggle, the pain...it's my own experience too.

It's been over a year since DDay for me. It was the worst year of my life. After my second DDay, I was diagnosed with cancer. It was exhausting to deal with all the emotions, surgery, radiation, recovery, betrayal, all of it.

My cancer is gone, thankfully. But my struggle with the betrayal is not. Sadly, I left my husband on Monday. I miss him so much. I pray we will get back together. I wish our pain would go away. I just want to live my life with him. But the aftermath of his betrayal became too much for me.

Our wedding anniversary is Sunday. The day I married him I felt like the luckiest person in the world. So much has changed. I miss my home. I miss my husband. I miss who I was.

I am hoping this separation heals us. One way or another. I need for him to do all the work necessary for us to be together. I want to be cherished again. If I cannot be, then I will learn to live my life without him. It's not what I want and I know I will never get over him, but it may be what is needed.

So much loss. So unnecessary. Betrayal is an agonizing death.

Backing off is my only way of possibly R. I know this. My problem is that every time I see a sliver of hope I press and then she gets angry and I keep going backwards. I'm pretty sure I know what the advice is going to be which is back off, smile and accept when I see a sliver of hope, and let her come to me. If she comes to me. Let her actions dictate how our relationship will or will not move forward. Problem is that's easier said than done. But unless I'm way off base that is something I am willing to try. I am willing to wait as long as it takes for her to heal. That is assuming she will someday.

Painfuljourney - not sure how much of my history you've read but here's the main issue with us. She took me back in the house 2 months after D-Day. I've been in the psych, volunteered for "partial" therapy program, go to IC weekly, MC, put on anxiety and sleep meds, read books, researched the internet, and joined this web site. I have done a 180 of the person I used to be and it's been consistent over 10 months. My BS has recognized my efforts. She said for the last 10 months she suppressed all of her anger (Even though she goes weekly to IC)in an attempt to R. But she's unhappy and miserable (Completely unlike her). And she can't do it anymore. She said before this happened she would've done anything for me and she did. But now she needs to take care of herself. I will work hard at my job. I will continue to be a good dad. I will continue reading and IC/MC. I will keep working hard so that I hope one day she takes back a better man than the one that is leaving.

Lostintoronto - also good advice and hopefully she's ok with scheduling date nights or whatever. She is pretty easy going (At least she used to be before I f'd up).

And I will get that book and add it to my library of marriage books.

IslandGirl18

"So much loss. So unnecessary. Betrayal is an agonizing death."

Exactly! It's amazing how painful and exhausting this whole experience has been. I wish there was a handbook when I got married that outlined how awful an affair is and what they lead to. I had no clue the true pain and suffering from both sides. No clue.

It's crazy how different people can be too. You're the BS but you have the same wants as me.

My BS is a lot like you in that she misses herself and what we had. She knows the reasons why I had the A but she cannot understand it. Even though the reasons are real it's still the thought that I could hurt her and my family like I did that she can't accept.

I have a feeling there will be a lot more posting from me in the future. It calms my anxieties just to get it out and have my life analyzed by complete strangers. Yet the complete strangers are so similar. I feel like I know some of you........

Kroma

Congratulations on taking the hard road and making it an effort to give her space for healing.

Believe me, she loves you.

She is just in unbearable pain. It is so hard for her to focus on the here and now. She sounds like me. Focuses on the past and future. Right now she can't imagine a future without the pain, resentment, and triggers. Focuses on the past that you threw away for 3 months of cheap happiness. I hope for your sake she overcomes this.

I too, as you know are in the same boat. I was so sure for weeks now, I wanted a separation. I still feel that way some times. Through IC, I have been able to focus on some here and nows. Things and memories that would not have existed if we separated.

For now, I will take that...and the belief that it takes two yrs to get through this at least.

I too am a thinker. An A doesn't help a mind that already works in overdrive. Does she have past issues from parents of not being important enough in their lives. She sounds like me, suddenly feeling she is never worthy enough or good enough to be treated with loyalty by those that should make her come first.

Hopfulmother

I had to show my BS your post bc you and her are identical. Her mind goes 200 miles an hour all day and can't stop. Which is why she's so unhappy.

And she also grew up with a dad that although did everything he could so she would be successful and have a good life he forgot to be compassionate and caring and unconditional. After I moved back 10 months ago he hasn't acknowledged us. He ignores her and never calls although he lives down the road. My BS knows who he is and has accepted this. But she always says her 2 men in her life have betrayed her. That sucks.

I am 13 days away from leaving my family and it hurts every time I think about it. We actually enjoyed a good weekend yet she went to work this morning without wearing her wedding ring. Still no affection or any type of intimacy including kissing. I keep holding onto the fact that like you said she loves me. But her walls are so high right now that she can't do anything until her mind slows down. I've gotten past the frustration part. I'm just scared that once gone and she learns to live alone with the kids then she'll feel better than when I'm here. And again it's not the family time that is bad. It's the alone time between us that makes her miserable. She sees me talking but she pictures all the bad stuff and it wigs her out. Even a year later. I know my wife. I know she wants her family and her husband. I just don't know if she will get past it. She doesn't either. Very scary time for us.....