My H and I were talking the other day and he told me that he still misses OW (my exBFF) from time to time because she was/is the only one he ever felt connected to; that they never fought, she always heard him out and then he'd hear her out and he could be himself around her.
He said things were always hard with us (true) and that he felt like they were "kindred spirits" and things were so easy between them.
When I ask him why he loves me and wants to be with me, he is always at a loss for words and says he can't think off of the top of his head at the time he's being asked.
However, whenever we talk about her, the words just flow and he can go on and on with a smile and even ask me my opinion of her or not want to share any thing about her that would embarrass her even though he's shared things about me with her and others in our circles that have humiliated me greatly.
Ever since hearing he feels like they are kindred spirits, I felt a wall of some sorts go up and feel now as if I can only open myself up but so much without wondering where my marriage is truly headed.
He's doing all the right things outwardly but inwardly, his heart is not there or he bounces back and forth. I don't think he knows what HE really wants...and I feel like I am caught up in a maze that I can't get out of. I get mixed messages and don't really know where he really stands, who he really is, or what he really wants even though I ask him over and over and over again for him to tell me the truth...to tell me what he wants and that I won't be mad...that I will respect what he wants, even if we have to go our separate ways...we can do so cordially.
Next month will be a year since NC and so far that I know, I have no evidence that he has had contact with her.
He says he has respected the NC standard but it seems like it's more bc of my not wanting it more than bc of him wanting to do the right thing. Now, he is a people pleaser...He does have a hard time with telling people no...even with me, especially in the beginning of our marriage and at times still. So, to some degree, I do give him slack in this area (meaning knowing how he is when dealing with others) but not when it comes to dealing with her.
My mom told me a few weeks ago that OW even contacted my sister to ask how I was doing after years of not being interested in me...which says to me that H hasn't really been in touch and she is fishing to see if we are still together or to see if I will reach out so she can wiggle her way back into our lives or I don't know what her thinking is but I didn't tell H she asked for me because I know that will only make her look even more great in his eyes...like, "Oh, look, you cut her off, and she still is concerned about you while you sit here hating her!"
I think H is going through withdrawal at times but at other times, I see he doesn't think his "friendship" with her is a problem even though he knows it is...In his own way, he is still not really owning his A. He will say he is wrong for cheating but will somehow bring his cheating back to something I did to cause him to go that route.
I've tried to connect with him but for some reason, he won't with me. He holds back and always points out something in me as the reason he can't even though it's not me, it's him and he knows it...I think he's afraid of real commitment and really being open with me for fear of being hurt and is why he falls for women he knows he can't have or that he can leave hanging on. He knows I am strong and can live with or without him and I think that intimidates him and is why he won't open up to me fully...but, I have to be me!
I don't really know what I expect to hear from anyone's response to me...I think I just needed to write today.
I'm still dealing with major health issues on top of my marital issues and am trying to take each day one at a time....
[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 8:20 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]