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But TwoHearts, what of cheaters who stridently avoided cheating until later in life? My W had a completely shit childhood, but was faithful in all of her relationships (and was cheated on twice to her knowledge) until recently in our marriage.

It's always a weak, selfish, person likely with unresolved FOO-issues combined with normal, every day stress, anxiety and poor or missing moral compass.

Don't always believe that someone was faithful in their past.. anyone that has the ability to cheat on someone obviously is capable of lying to that someone as well (in fact, it's part of it) so don't always be so sure their depiction of their past is completely accurate.

More importantly though, why even care? This is the better attitude. Cheating is never justified, no matter what. They must be 110% dedicated to fixing their issues, whatever they may be, by immediately going NC, immediately making major changes to ensure the safety of the marriage, and immediately get themselves into IC and likely MC when you feel it is time for this.

If you feel it's just morbid curiosity on your part on infidelity, I'd focus less on your WS's excuses and instead maybe pick up a couple books, like "Not Just Friends" or "His Needs, Her Needs" and maybe pick-up an extra copy for your WS as well.

Good luck!

But TwoHearts, what of cheaters who stridently avoided cheating until later in life?

I wrestled with this - my fWH cheated for the first (and last I hope!!) time ever in his life at age 36.

I went to a session with his IC and she said that it was a "prefect storm" situation. He had always had the FOO issues, he had always had the poor boundaries, the selfishness, the poor coping strategies etc etc. BUT this time everything came together all at once.

He was under immense stress at work and at home, had no idea how to cope with it, had unresolved resentment towards me, had the other life-long underlying issues that made him vulnerable and at that very time OW arrived on the scene - very available, flirtation, showering him with attention.... The timing of it all was just spot-on! WHAM, BAM, thank-you ma'am...

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 1:18 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

what of cheaters who stridently avoided cheating until later in life?

My WW swore she would never cheat, due in part to that problem causing her family so many hardships when she was young. What is interesting, or confusing, is that she waited until she was going through a midlife crisis before she started her first sexual affair. We had been married a good 25 years by then and when she got the taste of how to medicate her inner pain with sex, she fell right into place with the same coping skills she saw her FOO practice.

I admit I am not an expert at figuring out what is going on inside someone else, but she waited until she was older and then couldn't say no.