Hi, Arable,
Just wanted to jump in here, as I have been following your posts and know all too well the pain and confusion you are in. I am not without them, but I am much farther along. (Not in the direction I'd hoped for, but it is what it is.)
I know that it can be frustrating to read all the responses that seem to negate or dismiss your convictions, in this case as they relate to your separation. And I don't want to come across as some guy in a support group shaking his head and smiling condescendingly, implicitly conveying, "I was once like you...And now I see the light. You will too..."
All I can do is offer my experience with separation. We didn't call it "therapeutic" but "controlled." It came out to the same thing, unfortunately--a way for my WW to continue her affair without my interference.
She also called me "controlling." And looking back, I guess I was controlling in some ways prior to the affair. But when she commenced her affair, I sure as hell ratcheted up my "controlling" behavior, since I did not want my wife to....have an affair.
Also thrown at me were words like "erratic" and "full of rage." Again, yes and yes. I was. Because....my wife was having an affair.
So the first time she wanted a separation, it pained me, but she convinced me (since I wanted R so badly) that this would enable her to "find herself," "grow," and "heal," in her words.
Pure and simple, it enabled her to deepen her affair.
Then after around three months of sheer hell knowing she was cake-eating and I was enabling it, she informed me that she had had an "epiphany" about us and moved back in, with assurances to me and our children that she would never leave again. When I humbly, wimpily asked her if she'd gone NC with the AP, she told me "it is a process." Again, I accepted this because I wanted R so very badly. My world had fallen apart, and here was a possibility that time and reality would be reversed. That she had changed.
Well, she tried to break it off, and never could. When I recommenced my "controlling" ways and "raged" (cuz...she lied), she moved out again, this time saying the situation was "too volatile" and she needed to "find a path back." That path back apparently was diving back into the affair beyond my prying eyes.
As she continued her affair, we attended MC and IC. I still attend. She does not.
We are now divorcing.
I know this might anger you, but as so many here will say, a WS who truly wants reconciliation will not want to leave you. Quite the opposite. When I was in your situation, I scoured the Internet Googling things like "successful separation," "separation saved my marriage," etc. I loved my wife so much and desperately wanted to prevent the utter destruction of our family. Alas, it could not be prevented.
Clearly I hold a dim view of separation as a means to reconciliation. It just doesn't appear logical to me. And in the context of infidelity, I am extremely cynical.
And another SI cliche that truly irked me at the time was this: "You say your situation is different; your WS is different. It isn't. She isn't." I just could not internalize this. I KNEW my situation was like none other. I KNEW my wife and I loved each other like nobody else on the site. Their responses scared me, to be honest.
Please take this as it's intended--not as a scoffing at your situation or your convictions, but as a caring "heads up" from someone who, like you, traveled through pain I never imagined I was capable of.
I hope so much that your separation works out and indeed becomes the "path" back. Truly I do.
But please listen to everyone with an open mind. Everyone cares and empathizes.
All the best to you.
[This message edited by Abbondad at 4:51 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]