I haven't written here for awhile, but my profile tells the sordid story,for those of you who aren't familiar with it.It's embarrassing really how banal and unoriginal it all is - a particular source of shame for me, as well as many waywards I imagine.
I have been lying low for the past few months, in fact, for the last year really. A post that UO wrote about what remorse looks like for some of us, very much describes the place and space I have occupied for awhile now. That is, staying close to home, little need or desire to socialise, and just a feeling of being stuck with myself, knowing too much now to use those old Wayward coping mechanisms of the past.Some days are better than others of course, but overall, it has been a time of introspection and feeling the pain of what I have done to myself and my BH, and also the shame.
The shame I experience is not so much of the "I'm a hideous person" variety (although there have been times of this), which can commonly descend into a morass of self pity, keeping us from feeling the pain and gravity of our actions which at the same time serves to stave off the justifiable anger from the betrayed person, who may feel they can not kick a person writhing in self-hatred. It may be an unconscious tactic from a Wayward but is tantamount to saying to their BS "see! you can not be too terrible to me as I already hate myself"! There is no learning for us Waywards in this though. It just delays or stops completely feeling the pain and horror of our actions. Believe me, I realise now, I've tried it.
But I digress.
The shame that is welling up for me, I am coming to realise, is an embedded shame that I have felt my entire life. It is a shame deeply rooted in feeling constantly in 'trouble', of not feeling I am 'good enough' and that old shame has now been compounded with the shameful realisation that I have dealt with my self-loathing and feelings of unworthiness, in such an immature, hurtful and destructive way. Namely, my affairs. But this also includes filling the gaping hole of myself with booze, smokes, over-eating and doing everything BUT have to face myself, and the panic and shame I feel bubbling under the surface almost every day.
I have a sense of an internal cringing with the shame of it all. At Everything. I feel stripped bare and raw. I cry a lot now.
And yet - I feel the strength in me also that I can comfort my BH (and soothe myself)when he gets angry and hurt with me when he is triggered and can't bring himself to touch me. I gave up smoking 5 weeks or so ago. I have had stressful times, but I haven't started again. I hope I don't. I have started to exercise and take care of myself more, even though some mornings I can barely get out of bed.
All I can do is keep going. Dragging this shame, grief and hurt along behind me until........I'll let you know.
