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which must be pretty special to throw away nearly 17 years together 15 of them married.

No is wasn't/isn't special. It was cheap and nasty and pathetic, just like every affair is. Your marriage was special and worth something, his affair was not!

Folks here's the update....

Festival was from Thursday to Monday just gone (ended 19th August)

H didn't go in the end - I certainly was never going to go as I previously mentioned.

What I wasn't prepared for was that H made no mention of festival as it came closer and never mentioned it from last Thursday to Sunday - I had previously seen an email from H to festival organisers asking that his tickets not be delivered to our home address but to one of his friends (another superb friend to him - a lowlife sh** in my book that knew all about the affair and was also in touch with 'her') - I waited for him to tell me about this and gave him what I think were ample opportunities to do so but by Sunday I couldn't keep it to myself anymore and brought it up.

H reacted as if I had slapped him in the face and couldn't have looked more uncomfortable and guilty about it. He insists he had the tickets go to his friend so as not to upset me by then turning up at home and got his friend to sell them on his behalf. He may be telling the truth - I'm not buying it ......

I find it hard to accept his logic in these actions -I already know about the festival and that he had ordered tickets in advance ( you have to as they tend to sell out) so as far as I'm concerned all he had to do was say the tickets were coming, that they had arrived and that he has sold them.

By his actions and secrecy I'm left convinced one of the tickets was for her and for all I know he's given the tickets to her -he's adamant this is not the case. For all I know he's met up with her to give her the tickets. It's like he doesn't get it and yet again I'm left wondering what the hell I'm doing here

I'm glad he didnt go lostsoulss.

Sometimes, it takes them time to undo the selfishness we tolerated so long.

His friends hopefully will be the next thing he lets go off.

I'm very uncomfortable my h still has occasional contact with some people who helped assist him in his a. I can not do much about that as it is work related.

He wouldnt dare say he was going to hang out with them somewhere. He wouldnt be coming back here.

Progress i guess.

Hang in there,,,,,,

Thanks kiki1

I am left wondering what I can do and whether its worth hanging in there.

My concern is that he has again chosen to hide something from me -there's been secrecy and collusion between him and his friend -some might think I'm being anal over this and making too much of it but it's major to me. The fact that he's been secretive and omitted to tell me hurts and just reminds me of the deceit and collusion around his affair. The fact his friend has helped him again hurts as I know this friend colluded with him over the affair, knew about the affair and was even in contact with OW.

It leaves me questioning where H's loyalties lie -sure as hell doesn't feel like they are with me.

Can anyone tell me that this gets any easier

Any advice welcomed.

Lost,

Have a talk with him. Tell him you are starting over with him, and his behavior from that day on will be used by you to determine whether you will stay with him.

Tell him the rules. You will find great lists of ground rules/boundaries here on SI.

For starters:

#1 No more A's

#2 No more secrets, about anything. That means, no more doing things to "protect" your feelings either. If he messes up he needs to fess up to you, not try to cover it up.

#3 End friendships with all people who knew about the A and didn't tell you. No sneaking to communicate or get together with them. He will balk. It is either them, or you. Period.

#4 You get access to all phones, computers, etc. and you can check them any time. Don't forget, you can also check the phone bill for all phone numbers dialed.

I'm glad he didn't go to the festival, but his sneaky move regarding the tickets is a red flag. Don't. Believe. A. Liar.

Thanks for the advice -am willing to take a chance and try.

I would just like the hurt to be over -I'm fed up of feeling physically sick and having all the 'worst case scenarios' on a continual loop going round my mind.

I feel like I'm stuck on a hamster's wheel going round and round but not actually making any ground.

It's like one step forward two steps back constantly. It's like a seriously messed up 'Groundhog Day'.

All of the secrecy around the tickets has sent me backwards-I now wonder if he hasn't told me about that (and why wouldn't you if it was all above board and innocent) what else is lurking waiting to bite me on the a**.

I don't know how much more I can take.