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"My WS has been saying and doing all the right things." That was me a couple of days ago. Still a fool. I am still a fool. 4 days after D-day my friend told me to take his phone. The counselor told me to check phone records. I still trusted him. I didn't. He has violated NC 25 times and the A was SO MUCH DEEPER emotionally than I thought. He would send her texts and pictures throughout his day. He saw a dress in the mall and took a picture saying this would like nice on you. He sent her pictures of beautiful things and didn't think of me once. And he lied to the counselor and me 3 weeks ago. And he lied to my face last night. He tried to make it seem like I was crazy. Nope. Not crazy. Just betrayed and stupid.

Not stupid, Lucy, just betrayed. When you first find out, it is so hard to accept. Then, after DD, you believe that because they can see your pain and "say" they want the marriage and are sorry, that they wouldn't stay in contact. Many of them do.

When I confronted, I didn't tell my WH that I was tracking his cell phone. He knew I had a PI and a lawyer. I kept watching his phone and he kept breaking NC. Then, he would lie about it! I couldn't frickin believe it. After about the fifth time, when he again lied about talking to her, I pulled up his phone records and let him see for himself. You think this would have made him stop? I mean how much bigger of an asshole can one be? Nope, the Princess Whore starting using her dead husband's cell phone.... like I couldn't trace that too!

Bottom line, many of them just can't seem to stop until they know you mean business. Your husband is not trustworthy now, so you shouldn't trust him. He needs to earn that trust back. You don't need to prove to him that "you" trust him.

Mine didn't stop until DD#2 when I gave him my wedding ring and told the Princess that she could have him, I was done. He knew I was finished and finally started acting like the man I had married.

I don't know why most can't pull their heads out of their asses on DD#1, but it happens, time and time again.

Don't take anymore shit from him. Hard 180, see an attorney and take care of yourself.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 2:10 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

Clapping at your "I'm done" statement Theclimb! I too got to the point where I had had enough and I wasn't even being lied to. I just didn't feel he was putting in as much work as I was and that was the deal breaker for me. I told him that I was having a change of heart about R, and that, because of his inability to fix his problems, I was going to take what I could from the Divorce and go and finish living the life I had started before we got married. That I would get enough money from the divorce that I would never have to worry about myself again and that it was my turn to get everything out of life like he did when he decided to have an A! Trust me, that got his attention in a huge way. We are now well onto our way to a happy and loving R. He takes his recovery very seriously now.

T

Surely only a small piece of all this bullshit on here applies to me (how does any of it apply to me??) His story of the affair is that is was 10 weekends--6 with intercourse--mostly in a group setting. He said he "compartmentalized" and didn't think of her that way until they split off from the group to "go home." Then they would have 1-2 hours together. Things aren't adding up so I did what I thought I didn't need to do--checked phone records. Phone records indicate they texted from 7 in the morning until 11 at night. I asked specifically--when did you talk, where did you talk, did you communicate when I was with you or both of you, did you communicate when you were both with our friends w/o me (friends didn't know about this)??? His answer was always NO NO NO. "I couldn't do that. I had to separate her. She was such a small part of my life. We hardly spent any time together." Records show that he texted when he was with me, with our daughter, with our friends...didn't matter. They sent a ton of pictures back and forth to each other. He would see a dress in the mall and take a picture of it with a text saying "This would look good on you." She would hold the phone out and take pic of herself and send it to him saying "I can't wait until I'm with you again."

I confronted him last night and he denied, denied, denied. Until I left, then came back and printed out phone records. "But I knew about it and when I was apologizing for the affair. This was it. I was apologizing for this. This is a terrible thing. I did a terrible thing. This was it." Does he seriously not get that lying to me for the last month after I was trying to reconcile is okay--justified? He broke NC with 45 texts and phone calls (some lasting an hour) over 7 days. No contact (that I can tell so far) in the last 4 weeks. I am balancing precariously between reconciliation and divorce. One breath will lead me either way.

It's nauseating to be lied to right to your face while you hold hard evidence in your hand!!!! I remember when my STBX took the love letter I'd printed out that he'd written to an OW, folded it, and tossed it casually in the trash just as you or I would toss in a napkin. He said it was nothing & meant nothing. Like that should be that, I was mistaken, I should just take his word as the word of God and go on with my life.

Then later when I found out more about her (that she was a heroin dealer), he denied that this was a problem and couldn't understand why I was upset.

The denial these cheaters live in is astounding.

And then during marriage counseling when he swore there never had been anything going on and that he'd broken it off with her anyway. Only of course that, too, was a lie.

The lies to other people, the lies to me, the lies to himself. I don't know how anyone can lie like that and live with themselves. I hate being lied to, and I hate lying.

It's nauseating to be lied to right to your face while you hold hard evidence in your hand!!!!

(((lucy17))) I know how you feel. Am 2 yrs, 3 mos post Dday, things are better between WH & I, & our family is still together.

But, I will never forget us sitting in front of the marriage counselor, 2 mos after Dday, & WH saying " I have had no contact with OW", when in fact she had changed her cellphone #, & I had printed out and was holding the record of their many many texts & calls back & forth to the new # just during the past few days!!!

Or, again,3 mos post Dday, us sitting in front of the MC, & WH stating " I have had no contact with OW", when in fact I had followed them at lunchtime that very same day( I was off from work that day) & saw them with my own eyes having lunch together in a restaurant a few hours earlier !!!

It took my going to a lawyer, making an appt for us with a divorce mediator, & taking off my wedding ring & handing it to WH, for him to finally stop contact.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:51 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

This brings back memories. Checking phone records began my dday #2. Up until that point, I thought that my wife voluntarily telling me about the affair and answering questions were good signs, and I thought she would be somewhat honest with me. Finding out that she was lying directly to my face crushed me.

I remember feeling bad about checking up on her and looking at her accounts. I almost didn't check the phone records that day. I remember logging into the website and hesitating to open the phone bill and look at the call history. Now I know better. This incident freed me from the mistaken idea that my wife might act different than any other WS I had read about. I quickly lost my concerns about conducting surveillance.

This may have been a tactical mistake at the time because I was revealing my source, but when I confronted her with the phone records, I highlighted the evidence on the bill and just handed it to her. After a few minutes of it sinking in, she looked ashamed of herself. That didn't stop her from lying to me almost daily for the next few months when promising NC and reporting to me daily about NC.

This kind of behavior is hard to deal with and causes extraordinary pain and suffering when we are newly betrayed, but it is very predictable. The hardest thing for me was accepting that my wife had become essentially an addict. She would lie to anyone to feed the addiction and keep the affair going. It is as simple and predictable as that.

[This message edited by endlessabsurdity at 10:29 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

Mine lied straight to me and our MC too. They can't tell the truth to save our lives- it's all about their feelings and wants and desires all the time.

I cannot stand to be lied to. I could not believe he would flat out lie in MC either- WTF were we spending all that money for? More lies? I knew then that he M was over for me.

Gosh in reading your story it sounds so familiar. My WH tried to tell me he barely saw her over the 7 month time. He told me after dday1 it was over and naïve me believed him. I didn't even ask for passwords at that time. I didn't think he would lie to my face after 21 years. Over the next few months though he acted strange again, and it turns out A wasn't over, they just took more precautions to hide it. After dday2 I asked for all passwords and access. When I went back and looked at phone records could see that they texted all day long from early morning until midnight. Really now! Like a couple of teenagers with raging hormones. I asked him what could he possibly be texting to someone all day like that, 300+ texts a day on some days. I wish I could recover them and know. He claims he doesn't recall. I hope you will continue monitoring until you feel safe again. I know none of us wants to be that person, the one who is constantly checking up on them. It is part of my life now and I didn't sign up for this. I send you hugs and strength to get through this.

I checked H's phoned records but they are very disappointing. Incoming calls don't have a number attached. For texts there is only a number for how many we're sent and received that month, no phone numbers at all! And I'm assuming if they have iMessage it won't show up at all?

The only thing I can tell is that during his A time there were way more texts being sent and received. That's it.

Grrrrr

I hate what this does to us all.

You are not a fool, you were deep down just scared to face the fact that your WS would be lying. But even though it was hard you took your life in your own hands and you did it. That in itself is a victory for you, believe it or not.

Things can't change if we aren't brave enough to see some hard truths. My hope for you is that you stay strong and stay in control of your own life and what YOU want....small steps along the way will get you there.

yeah..same here.

he told me one thing until I checked the phone records--whole other story. Hundreds of calls and texts.

to anyone just finding out about the A, check the phone records!!!

then the thing is I could have found out much sooner and much more because about 6 months before I found out, I had the idea to check the records and logged on but he had it set up to alert him if I logged on to the records via a text from verizon. I changed the password and it texted him right away. he called me and was like what are you doing??? I said, I wanted to check the records to see if you are still talking to OW. he said...of course not honey!!!

dumb me believed me and I logged off of verizon site. he came home right away with this scared look on his face...

I completely agree with EndlessAbsurdity. It is an addiction and they will like to their own face and believe it too just to make sure they can get their fix. That's why the 180 becomes so important in helping them want to seek recovery from the addiction. If we keep giving them our love this allows them to get deeper into the seduction of the A. It goes further underground proving to the WS and OW/OM that indeed they must be the Romeo and Juliet of the 21st century because look how hard they have to fight to be together. (Barf!)

I think your WS is right on schedule to the almost predictability of the mess that is an A. What you do next though is going to be key in whether he breaks the addiction or there is a 3rd broken NC...

Just got done last night confronting my WS for the, um, let's see, is it 3rd, 4th, 5th, time on prostitutes.

Deny, deny, deny, deny..."I don't know what you are talking about? I swear on the bible. I don't know what you are talking about!"

"I've been good. I haven't done anything wrong. I'm so tired of having to defend and prove myself to everyone."

Yes, proving and defending yourself to everyone occurs when you LIE to everyone.

I want, so BADLY, to believe him. But I know if I do, I'm a fool.

The evidence is very clear from his texts that are routed to me.

We can not be a fool if we do not let them treat us like fools.

Good luck to you.

Oooh.. And then I just realized something g someone else posted.

Why do we have to prove ourselves?

This is the biggest thing of all!this is what is in every post so far.

We have to prove the information we have, we have to prove if they are truthful or lying. Why are WE spending all of our time getting our hearts ripped out of our chest by trying to figure out what's true or not

How about this...I'm just going to go by my gut, my instinct, my intuition. Hasn't that been right, every single time!?

And if its wrong, hey buddy, you prove it wrong.

My heart goes out to all the BS. We did not deserve this and we should not be responsible to prove our discoveries. They have convinced themselves that they are doing nothing wrong at least that is what my WH believes. He says he's just texting. He's not seeing her. I told him it wasn't good enough. I told him he values her white trash over his own kids and asked him if he wanted his own children to be treated how he treats me. I got the usual no comment. Tonight, I have him the boot. Total 180. Made his head spin. He looked like a broken soul but I told him he needed some tough love. It took me a long time to 180 him but I finally did it. We can't let them give us a string of lies and let them step all over us. Do not accept the lies and broken promises. I let things slide for a long time and got nowhere. Check those phone records, follow WS whatever you can do to prove your case. They will deny, deny, deny to your face with proof in your hands but somewhere deep down they know you're right.. You need to 180.. That's the only way they will change and even then it's not always fullproof.

One thing about all of our stories is that even though each and every one of us is unique, our stories are all the same and our WS are all in denial not only to us but to themselves. They are all a sad story and they need help. We just need to decide if we want to continue helping them , enabling them to hurt us or just walking away. Tonight, I chose to walk away.

It is truely amazing how they think. My WH#2 did the same thing after DDay#1. It was almost a year before OW spilled the beans again to me in a note left in my jewlery box resulting in DDay#2. He sat and lied his ass off for two days. I refused to tell him what I knew other than I knew he never stopped seeing her and that he needed to ask her how I knew. He just denied, denied, denied.

I finally literally drew his dumb ass a big picture on poster board so he could understand I was not a fool and no longer believed a damn word that came out of his mouth. He still denied it, until I finally made a copy of the note and shoved it in his face. There was no denying it then and I guess she was too scared to tell him the truth herself about what she had done once again. Then I did a hard 180 on his ass and removed my wedding rings. He spent over a month in the guest room with me threatening D and having realtors come look at our house to put it up for sale. That finally woke him up to the fact that I was serious and would no longer stand for his cheating any longer. He dumped her finally and went NC.

His reasoning now is because on DDay#1 he had no consequences. It was before SI and I fell for his blame shifting and gas lighting, so he thought he could continue the A and I would never find out.

He now knows that I am serious and if he ever tries it again, I'm done!! I won't even confront him again and listen to more lies. I will just file for D and have him served without warning.

It is very simple. Get a locksmith and change the locks.

Then go read the 180 rules (in the

FAQ or the library). Good luck to you