Last night we had a really rough MC session.
I called H out on pushing boundaries. Not boundaries related to A but more in connection with the stress on our marraige leading up to A. When our MC tried talking to him about it in more detail H clammed up (he was feeling like we ganged up on him) and we spent most of our session in silence.
We then talked about my role in H stonewalling, if I want him to feel safe enough to open up I have to stop criticizing and just let him be for a while. He also reassured me that eventually we will get to the root of our behaviour but we both need to cut each other some slack and create enough goodwill before we can go there.
I agree that I'm trying to control his behaviour by bullying him. One of the items that came up last night was money. This morning he tried compromising with me over his spending but I just wasn't in the mood for it. I'm tired of bargaining and compromising and still not having my needs met.
This morning it hit me that I'm just over it. I feel hopeless. I have no hope in us getting to a place of understanding. I feel like he does things just to make he happy, not because he wants to actually change. I have no hope that he can put the needs of his family before himself. I know that things aren't awful at the moment but they certainly aren't great.
I don't have any hope in this process. I'm just going to end up in the same mediocre marraige with the same immature selfish H I had before A. I had such high hopes for us at the beginning of R, that we could come out of this stronger than ever but now I just feel defeated.
I love him so much but I just don't have any more to give to this relationship right now. I have two young kids who need me more.
(deep breath) just needed to get that off my chest.
