Thank you for the comments. I wrote the following (long) post off-line so it may not touch on all of your points. I will try to follow-up if I missed some but I do appreciate your thoughts.
I have stumbled on a few lessons that seem to work for me. Of course every person, every situation, and every period in one’s life is different. My current thinking may not even work for me in the future depending on who I happen to meet. But these are some thoughts that I have shared with a few recently separated women when we started dating that they found reasonable. First, I honestly explain that while I am interested in a serious relationship if and when one develops - - I don’t plan to spend the rest of my life waiting for something that may or may not happen when I could be enjoying life and the company of smart, fun, interesting, and attractive women. So I tell them that I do plan to date and encourage them to do the same. I also explain that I will not become seriously involved with a woman who has been divorced for less than 2 years, but that I am open to dating a recently separated woman.
Background… in the last few years, I have dated from zero to 4 women simultaneously for periods lasting a few months, to a few years, to indefinitely. They all know that we are not exclusive and each one of these “dating relationships” is naturally at a different point in its lifespan - - beginning, middle, end, and even occasional limbo. Most of the women do not want a serious relationship right now, particularly if they are not even divorced yet. Some are relatively steady dates; others I see twice a month and others every 4 - 6 weeks. Everyone is very busy these days with work, family, other interests, lawyers, money, etc. and may not have a great deal of time to invest in a serious relationship right now. Some women like football, others hate it. Some are available week nights, others only have a weekend or 2 per month free. Some have the summer off while others are busy around the holidays. It actually works out pretty nicely. Everyone appreciates the need to be flexible when plans change at the last minute due to circumstances. Most of these women will eventually meet someone new, or move away, or decide they prefer women, or go into a convent, but I hope all will look back (hopefully fondly) on our dates as a fun and necessary transition period to singlehood. And one special woman just might stick around if we find that we are both at our best when we are together.
I share with them that while I may be open to a serious relationship in the future, I will not become seriously involved with a woman who has been divorced for less than 2 years. The 2 year period can vary depending on the circumstances, how long married, how traumatic the divorce, kids, etc. But 2 years actually seems about right. When I got divorced 6 years ago, I thought I was fine and ready for a new relationship, but it actually took a good 18+ months for me just to become myself again. For newly separated people that were married for many years, raising children, immersed in a particular world of work, friends, routines, obligations, etc. it takes a period of time post-divorce just to find oneself - - to remember who one was before or in addition to all that happened - - to regain one’s equilibrium. Almost no one going through a divorce (infidelity or not) is in a good place. So the idea of becoming serious with someone recently separated just seems nuts. The last thing they need (IMO) is to jump right into another relationship. But that doesn’t mean one has to be a social (or sexual) outcast. Diners, movies, and recreational activities help the healing process and provide something exciting to talk about at work or with friends and family. So it helps keep one’s social web alive and keeps the story of one’s life in motion. Plus, as I mentioned, these are really fun, interesting women - - so I wind up doing all sorts of things that I would not think to do but then find I enjoy. For a first date, one woman wanted to see a Lego museum exhibit… yes, those little blocks that you step on barefooted in the dark and curse at. We had a great day walking and talking and we are still occasionally dating a few years later.
My reasoning for the length of the 2 year post-divorce period is that we all have connections tied to the months, seasons, family events, occasions and holidays during the course of the year. The first post-divorce year is the first time that the woman I’m dating will experience all of those things as a single woman in a long time. The first birthdays, Christmas, school meetings, fund-raisers, vacation, promotion, apartment lease, Super Bowl, etc. The second year is the first time she will do all those things on her own “not-for-the-first-time”. It only makes sense that both she and I would want us to get to know “that woman” before becoming serious.
I will follow up in another post with a few thoughts about sex; no-sex; not-yet-sex; and “sort-of sex” with some of the separated women I have (or am) dating. I can understand the FWB analogy and there may be some truth in that term, but this has proved to be much more varied, interesting, healthy, meaningful, and heartfelt than the FWB label usually implies. In my experience, most women who are in the process (hell) of disengaging from a 20 year marriage are interested in something more or different than a FWB. It is not quite so easy for people to suddenly act like those decades never happened, particularly when it comes to sex.
