SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"At some point, whether the two of you are able to work things out or not, you need to get over the 'why' factor. There is never going to be an answer for why he cheated that is going to make sense or not raise more questions. You need to stop asking why because ultimately, does ir really matter? Is there any answer that he can give to the 'why' question that will make you say, 'oh, okay, in that case, it's fine,' or 'oh, that makes perfect sense, I get it.'? Stop focusing on the why. You are trying to find logic in the illogical. Instead of asking why, you should be focusing on the important questions: 'how do we move forward?' 'what do I need from him- if anything- in order to make this work?' 'how can I work on feeling better about myself?'"

I really really needed to read this. Thank you. I am driving myself crazy trying to rationalize what my FWH did.

During those early days when I was so deeply hurt and was so unsure of what to do she said:

"You need to give this some time. If your leg was hurting and causing you tremendous pain I would hate to see you cut it off just to ease the pain."

A few years later we met with a MC and I really liked what he blurted out to my WH:

"I hope you appreciate this woman sitting before you. She could have easily tossed your fucking ass out the door for what you did"

Yes, he did say "fucking ass".

Although I loved that he poked that dagger into my WH I did not want to go back ~ That guy seemed a little bit crazy

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:29 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

These are so inspiring, I really hope some of our newer members can read this as well.

I really find the 'why' responses to be really helpful and enlightening. I don't think I will ever find out the 'why' and you know what... I don't really think it matters. As long as he can express whatever he is going through in an honest, healthy and transparent way.

I also love the analogy of the leg

a few things my IC said...

In regard to the question Why:

No answer he can give you will be good enough. You are trying to use to logic to solve an emotional issue. Emotions just are. They are often irrational. You cannot use logic and reason to try to solve this issue for you. You will drive yourself crazy searching for something that will never make 'sense' to you.

Regarding trust:

You can only choose to trust one day at a time. Based on actions he is showing right now, today. It is his repeated trustworthy actions, along with your choice to trust each day, that will move you forward into trusting him again for the longterm.

Regarding mind movies/ triggers/ and anxiety:

Keep it simple. Often what is racing through your mind are scenarios you have created. Think to yourself-What do you know vs what do you think....

She has many, I have to keep thinking.

Love this thread

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 4:28 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

We have not yet gone to MC. That's on me... TCD refused at first due to my abusive behavior, but has since expressed a willingness but I haven't gotten an authorization from our employee assistance program. I'll call first thing Monday! Anyway, I think both of us have been fearful that our stubbornness will get in the way of progress and maybe even exacerbate things. I have always considered myself more open to change and other viewpoints, and I think SI has opened my eyes about a lot of things, within myself and in general. I have always felt TCD was more closed-minded and unwilling to change. I also thought if she ever caught me cheating I would be out on my ass... Yet 20 months later here we are. I hope TCD will read this post and take something away from it, no matter how small. I know I will. Thank you all.

After I found out JM had broken NC multiple times, despite my devastation, heartbreak and pain, we sat in our MC's office. JM had his head in his hands and kept asking what was wrong with him. "I don't want to hurt my wife but it's all I do. I don't want to lie to her anymore but I keep doing it."

MC looked at him and said, "There is nothing wrong with you other than being a selfish jerk who does exactly what you want to do at any given time. If you want to quit lying, TELL THE TRUTH. If you want to stop hurting your wife, STOP HURTING YOUR WIFE. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain and destruction."

It was so simple, and so ruthless. I thought JM would start bleeding for a minute, because it cut him to the core. But it worked.

The other thing that MC told him that day was, "The next time you get one of those urges to call or text OW, just take a baseball bat and start whaling on HF. I guarantee it will hurt her less."

No more hidden resentments for us.

This one resonates with me...I need to initiate this and hope WH is strong enough to deal with what I need to tell him and maybe share his resentments with me.

Great thread!

HFSSC: your mc sounds great!

TimeToManUp: counselling can be expensive *sigh* , but such an investment!

HFSSC: your mc sounds great!

He is. That session was, um, DAYUM. I went in there absolutely livid and ready to kill my H. By the time MC was done, I almost felt sorry for JM. But he knew exactly what to say and how to say it to get through.

He's given me some zingers too, that were well deserved. He is definitely equal-opportunity when it comes to that.

The MC held me back after what would be the last session and told me in different terminology to 180 fWS. My being kind and understanding weren't doing it. She said fWS needed a dose of her possible future. That seemed to work better than any of the talking, "sharing", exercises, etc.

Our MC told us this right off the bat:

1. If my husband wasn't willing to tell the whole truth don't expect reconcilliation. That TT kills our chances of recovery.

2. That some couples come through infidelity stronger and more in love than ever. (He was right!)

My XH wouldn't go to MC, so I went to a IC...He told me to run and not stop..To not take him back or he was going to kill me...Not physically but mentally...He told me to protect the child within...

He told me he would council me as long as I stayed away from him..If I was to take him back, he would send me to someone else...Best advice I ever received...

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I've printed them off! I'm glad this has also been an extra little push for members to go to mc!

Yay!

Love this thread! I'm not coming up with any specific words of wisdom from our MC/IC, although she's been very calming and reassuring. I kind of like HFSSC's 2x4 wielding MC... Might be more effective.

Also like that suggestion of just taking a bat to the BS -- it would hurt less -- now, ain't that the truth???

I hope some more folks come on line with other good tips!

Thanks.

Great thread!!! Thanks to all for sharing! We were not able to go to MC due to finances and the fact that we live 1.5 hours from a town large enough that has one.

Also like that suggestion of just taking a bat to the BS -- it would hurt less -- now, ain't that the truth???

I know, right? I think that image, more than any other thing, is what got through to JM.

Ours said, "we will always find a way to get our most important needs met."

It hurt as the BS, but I have found it to be true.

Thank you for all this input. We are trying R again - it's been a long road - almost 6 years after Dday but lots of trickle truths. Never been to counseling but H going to CR (Celebrate Recovery) and I'm here at SI. I got a lot of good reading and inspiration out of all the threads. Thank you. God bless.

Very happy to see so many positive responses. Sometimes it seems like therapists just get ripped here, and of course there are a lot of bad ones out there. In our case the lady we went to saved our marriage. The scene was that after about six months of seeming recovery after having started going to her weekly, my wife suddenly flipped out and tried to contact her EA partner. This was tied to the death of an old co worker they both were close to, and so while attending the funeral I was preparing to seperate. I had no hope when we went to what I thought would be our last family therapy session, but she detected the shame and defense in an idle comment my wife made while trying to explain her behavior, and just like that the lights went on and my wife started to understand how her past made her always hide from and deny pain and difficulty. She essentially considered her partner in crime to be an equal f--- up as her, and would reach out to him when she started to fell self-loathing in the extreme. Thanks to the therapist being so perceptive to pick up on her language my wife was able to start to integrate the good and bad sides she always felt divided by and integrate them into one whole person. Now she can experience discomfort without seeking immediate remedies, and understands the good, the bad, and the ugly are all part and parcel of who she is and that she does not have to be the "bad girl" or the "good girl." She just has to be her and make the right choices and not succumb to the fear she lived with for years while suffering from PTSD. We have recommended this lady to anybody and everybody who experiences problems, so much in fact we are thinking we should start getting a finders fee for our referals!

"Trust me when I say is was amazing to see. I could see exactly how, through my husbands parts board, the affair has started and why he was able to do what he did. It no longer was about me at all but about the way he had grown up, the environmental issues he faced as a child and what his biggest fears in life were. It also let us both know how the other person reacted when we behaved in the same manner as say our fathers had towards us when we were little."

This is exactly what was pointed out to us. My WH's father had died suddenly, and the OW (we don't use the word W any longer) was a friend of his Dad, and psychopath who swooped in in the middle of a lot of emotional upheaval for us (I was taking care of a brother with terminal illness and a mom with dementia among other things- seriously who with any decency at all does this to anyone, but a psychopath?) .

So, my WH realized that the A was really about his relationship with his father and living up to his expectations/ideals which were pretty crappy. And the OW just happened to be the one there, nothing special, but simply the one that had shared equally corrupt values like his dad.

Deep bows of gratitude as we both always knew he needed additional counseling, this just got him there sooner.