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Last night while having dinner in a restaurant with my daughter and WS. WS whipped cellphone out of his pocket and read and repsonded to text while sitting right next to me. I knew it was from his coin operated screw toy (thank you for the accurate description of OW Holly-Isis), I lost my appetite, was p!ssed, when we went outside I asked him to confirm. He confirmed that she asked if he could talk- he said he didn't want her to call so he texted- no. (Found out he texted -not now, later?) This morning I woke up still angry and started up a discussion again about how disrespected abd unvalued, this behavior makes me feel. He went thru same song and dance, how he's getting to the point of no contact, he needs time, where will he be left if he does what I want and gives up contact with the OW, how is he suppose to take 10-15 years of feeling bad about himself and just change in a minute. The issue of remorse came up, I don't believe that saying your sorry for hurting someone means that you have remorse if you still continue to hurt that person. If he were remorseful about this he would not still be in contact with OW, but he believes he is remorseful, because he wishes he were dead and didn't have to deal with this. It has been a month since this all came to light and I'm having a hard time living with this cr@ap. I know he is severely depressed, I know he is confused,but trying to hold this all together is getting to me. I'm thrown into an emotional abyss over music on radio, over a comment he made to sales rep at Verizon store, over having a text session occur right in my face. It is hard to do the 180 because it seems to push us further apart, with no hope for establishing any future to build on...yet when he has contact with OW there is no future to build on. I need to get that into my head.

how he's getting to the point of no contact, he needs time, where will he be left if he does what I want and gives up contact with the OW, how is he suppose to take 10-15 years of feeling bad about himself and just change in a minute.

Please, please, please start the 180 on him. I promise by him stringing you along, he will never get off the fence.

Implement the 180...it's for you. Its to get you stronger and more confident...its one of the best tools, if used properly that will get you to a better place emotionally.

I'm sorry he's hurting you. You have the power inside to take control back over your life

I know you are right about 180. I was doing it in the beginning and then we both were an emotional mess, so I started being kind and loving, and it seemed to be better for us both, we spoke in terms of in the future about things. But yesterday's text was a big knock up the side of my head about what the reality is. So this morning I opened that individual bank account I need to move on, I'm going to focus my time on the questions I should ask at my consultation with the divorce attorney next week. And I am going to read the 180 5 times a day if that what it takes to create a healthy distance from this pain.

SBB,

Gently, give him all the time he needs. He married you, he shouldn't need time to detach from screw toy. Please read up on the 180 and start putting yourself first. Stop worrying about him and his needs. He is not worrying about yours.

Things were easier when you are kind and loving because he can have his cake and eat it too!

Thank you for the supportive words, they help me stay focused. Yesterday WS sent another couple of hundred dollars to this screw toy, the tally for the last month is over $12,000(bulk of it robbed from savings bonds for kids college expenses). He has the gall to excuse his behavior by saying he can't help himself, she has some kind of a hold over him, it "is" his money. Ha, I am really done with feeling sorry for this lying, cheating, thieving sack of sh!t. The worst part is I have to get on an airplane and spend the next 5 days with this monster, our destination - right back to state where the screw toy is. Daughter going back to school-study abroad semester. I almost refused to go but this blow up is already causing her pain as she hears and sees parts of it. I can only focus on lawyer appt next week, I'm going to need some heavy duty legal help with this criminal.

No. There is no remorse. He's disrespecting you, putting his focus on OW while you're sitting at dinner together, and stealing from you and your family right in front of your face. I can't think of anything further from remorse.

This is all about him. Please turn it around and make it about you. He's depressed? He feels bad? Forgive me, but who gives a shit about how he feels? He committed the ultimate betrayal and demolished your heart, but you should feel bad for him? It's better that you're being nice and loving because it's then easier for him to take full advantage of that.

180 him now. No more allowing him to call all the shots. Stick to your guns, keep your lawyer appointment and keep adding to your new bank account. His time has come to face reality.

I have not been able to do the 180. I started divorce proceedings only to hold up on them when he promised to break it off with his piece of sh!t a week ago and stop sending money(thank god he stopped sending money). I find out today that he never specifically told her that he would no longer have contact with her, he misled me, he admits he's lied, he has talked to her every day this week. He now says he will really have no contact for 2 weeks as we try to get to a marriage counselor to begin dealing with our issues. I feel completely used, hurt and like this is not a relationship that can be saved. All along I have asked for the opportunity to work on us but right now I'm asking myself why do I want anything with this liar, cheater, thief. He says I'm sorry but he doesn't change anything, He makes promises that he doesn't keep. He acknowledges all the changes I've made and says he appreciates them (all things he identified as what is wrong in our marriage). In one breath he says he's not sure it is enough but in another breath he says says he has enjoyed the changes. I can't think, feeling very empty and drained right now. Need to keep in my own head somehow, and stay out of his.

Wow. Sorry to hear your story and that he is putting you through this , you are getting some great advice and it sounds like you are taking positive steps in seeing a lawyer. Sounds like you know all the answers to your question already . He shows no remorse at all ! What kind of loser takes from his family to give to another woman? How about the disrespect of texting at table? I'm sorry but I am angry for you ! I feel your pain my stbxww cheated and never once looked back so I know it's tough. You deserve better but nothing will change unless you change it!!! Just some friendly advice. Good luck and stay strong

I'm curious. If you were to reread your posts and imagine that your daughter were the one posting instead of you, how would you reply?

SBB:

I had a very hard time implementing the 180 and, in fact, never ending up needing it (thank goodness). But I can tell you one thing - if my WH had ever (to my knowledge) texted the OW in my presence, I wouldn't have hesitated to kick him out. Disrespectful is an understatement.

Been keeping to myself for 2 days now, truly believe WS is enjoying not having to listen to me. He is playing silent game right back. Went for walk and had lunch by myself this afternoon. Trying to live a life for me.

Good for you!! I am so happy to read that someone is going in a better direction. Obviously you are a very strong person to be able to do that, so keep it up. I am not there yet, but I am reading and doing the best I can. I am determined to live again. You give me hope.

(Please excuse me if I am being too forward. I was in a similar place with my WH and I wished someone would have said these things to me.)

....hold on a gosh darned minute. You said $12,000 in a MONTH???? How long has this been going on and what is she spending it all on?? I don't even....

Please, this man isn't even sorry, let alone remorseful. Screw his depression, his feelings, and his 'fun time'. Is he trying the 'but I don't want to hurt her feelings' BS too? If you ask me, he is probably feeling a little relieved because he doesn't have to hide all of the txts now, he can do them right in front of your face at the dinner table!

I wouldn't be going out to dinner with this man. I wouldn't be talking to him at all. Don't fix his dinners if he is txting her, don't wash his clothes while he sends her money. Please, 180. Emotionally distance yourself from him at the very least until he can stop stabbing you and your children repeatedly.

I don't know if I am being too pushy or blunt, but if he continues this way, then there is no future to build on (or a very shitty one where you are living in a hell on earth). Do not let the distancing that you feel from him during the 180 stop you.

Think of something to help motivate you. Something that grinds your gears and helps you lace your bitch boots on tight. You said he is taking money from your kid's college funds and giving it to this.....thing? Imagine you having to tell your child that they don't have a college fund when they get older because of their father and this thing, if he continues.

He will not stop until you stop dealing with it. He saw you moving towards divorce and said anything he could to get you to stop (i'll go nc, i'll stop giving it money) but after he saw that his manipulation tactics and his sack of lies worked, he felt comfy and went right on back to what he was doing.

He acknowledges the changes you have made and appreciates them, yet he doesn't know if it will be enough? What about the changes he's made??? Ftg. Please, do not let this man stomp all over you, your kids, and your heart.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 5:27 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

Thank you for the encouragement Tired05 and Toomanytimes. The last few days I've had a lot of "wake up" moments". I've spent 30 years loving this man with all his faults, caring for him and our family and the truth is that he is willing and stated flat out to my face that he is going to be selfish and do what he wants to do and there is nothing I can do about it. That means he plans to send our money to this 25 year old ex stripper that he has had sex with 3 times and has had an ongoing emotional connection with for 4 MONTHS. This is what hurts immensely- 30 Years vs 4 months. He changed the password on his credit card account so I can't watch the money fly out the door-but it will fly out. I have accepted that I cannot change him, but I can do what is best for me. In the face of this blatant disregard and disrespect for me I am taking steps to protect myself. I appreciate the support as I walk this road I never expected to be on. It is very hard.

[This message edited by StunnedBeyBelief at 6:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

((((SBB)))))

Everyone is providing excellent advice to you, sweetie. I'm so sorry you are dealing with an obviously selfish, unstable person.

Please see an attorney asap so you can begin securing your financial future. If you wait too long, there may be nothing left. Even if your WH "defogs" - this will ensure you are taken care of if he does not.

Hugs....