The whole month (and the first couple days of September) is one big trigger in general, I second guess everything he does, don't trust anything he says, and these things had started to get better over the past few months. August just sucks it was the most devastating time during the A for me, he hurt me the most. He told me he was leaving, I showed up to his work to surprise him and give him a ride home (he doesn't drive) and he had left early (to be with her), then there's ow's birthday, the phone call from ow's bh telling me about a secret twitter account that confirmed their A had continude on under ground, the night I kicked wh out and he ran straight to ow, I then found them at a hotel close to his work. And this time last year we were deciding to do an in house separation. Its been a really hard 3 years but we're still here and together. The past 4 months have been really good, together happily, then came August. I can barely look at him, most the time when I do I get so angry and disgusted. I don't want intimacy with him I don't even want him touching me. I feel like we made huge steps forward in our marriage until August.
I once again am thinking about the possibilities of leaving, having a new life. But in July I wanted nothing but him and our family. Is it just the month??? I hope this doesn't continue on much longer I hate feeling like this!!! I don't want to feel so much disgust and resentment towards my wh!!! I know even without this one big month long trigger we would have a long road ahead to actually fully R, but we were at least on that road together. I fear this derailing everything we have achieved. And I can see him stepping back also. Its like when my walls go up his walls go up too. I know we need counseling both ic and MC, but financially we can't do it right now, hopefully i'm the next couple of months we'll have the money to do it. I just feel like for now i'm just hanging on by a thread. We had been planning on celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary this year. But now I am not so excited about it. I know the couple of days away from here, no kids, no one else will be nice. But the actual celebrating of our marriage kinda feels like a sham!!!
It makes me think though will this month be this difficult every year??? And for how long??? Its been 3 years already, although only a few months since the newest TT.
BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 10, DS 7, DS 6.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it
