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There have been many times I just can't keep it together. When my husband is going someplace with others & I can't go, but am present when they leave. People see that I'm upset. They don't understand the hurt and mistrust that I am filled with. I think they believe I'm just a controlling bitch unsuccessfully trying to keep her husband home. Part of me wants to scream out to the world, look what he's done, I have a reason for not wanting him to be out of my site. Part of me is thankful they don't know, so I don't have to answer the question I'm still struggling with myself "why are you still together"

I know if our marriage is going to survive I need to let him do some things without me, but it's hard right now.

(((soconfused)))

Ugh! I so know the feeling and just want to tell you I hear you. I kept my XH's A quiet for 6 long months hoping we could work it out, but he continued on with the A. When people finally knew it totally explained my erratic behavior over the previous months. This was both freeing and terrifying because since everyone now "knew" there was no going back... Pandora's Box was opened for good. It's tough, but if your WH can do the work and you can start trusting again, it will be worth it.

It reminds me of something that happened a few months ago. My boyfriend and I went boating with a couple I knew from my M. This was the first time my boyfriend met this particular couple.

My boyfriend told the H it would be fun to go to this cove he knew that is known for its "scenery" (the young bikini set). The H drove the boat there and his W flipped out! Went totally ballistic on him!!!! We left the cove immediately. It was very awkward for us to watch and my bf said to me privately that he can't hang with this particular again, the W seemed nuts, and he felt terribly uncomfortable around them. Too bad, because he liked the H and I really like this couple.

Later on the H confided to my bf that he had recently had an A, they were working hard on the M, and she was "triggered" (his A apparently was with a much younger woman). After that my bf was cool about everything... he now had a reason for W's behavior and now knew to be careful and not say or do anything that may trigger her. W never mentioned the A to me... had no idea that we know. She was probably in a similar position as you are. I felt for her but wasn't going to say anything- that is her right to keep it quiet. But I do wish she could open up to me; I can totally understand! But I also understand her reasonings for keeping it quiet. It's tough.

No answers here, but I wish you and your H well and hope you both get through this!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 2:28 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

I was feeling exactly like you in the beginning of this journey. My RWH wanted to keep this so darn quiet. At first I thought it was because he didn't want to hurt his business reputation. He also didn't want people to think badly of him. I complied for a few months and then anger took over. I was drowning and need help and could not tell, therefore no help was forthcoming. I was becoming a victim of something I didn't create!!!! The whole thing turned around the day I went to get my haircut with the same hair dresser my H has used for 25 years. She knew we were having problems with our recent move, she knew something was horribly worng with my H and all she had to do was ask me and the tears just started flowing and wouldn't stop. She was the first person i our newly adopted old home town that I told. She was fantastic about it, she listened, asked questions and then grabbed my by the Murrow and told me it was time to shape up. She was the one who told me to have hubby tell our families. That he had to own what he did and own up to the consequences. I went hold and told him I wanted and needed him to tell the children. They were watching their mother fall into a deep dark pit and thought I was having a nervous break down all on my own. I needed them to know the real reason why this was happening and who was responsible for it. That was the first of several liberating moments for me. Not only did it show me to really ask for what made me feel safe but it also showed me that my H was really committed to getting to R and fixing this.

Thankfully I don't have this overwhelming need to tell people any more but I do so once in a while when I feel it is necessary for those around me to understand the whys behind my very changed and different personality. I know I will never be who I was before but I continue to reserve the right to open up to anyone I feel can help me get back to some sense of normal. So far only one person has dumped me ....and that was my longest and oldest friend!!!! Everyone else has been supportive of both of us.

I do not abuse this, I am extremely careful in who gets to know. I also have felt the power of the Pandora's box once opened and I make sure that if it opens again the people who get to look inside are caring and helpful.

I don't really care what others say of us anymore. We are getting happy and healthy and have an incredible new marriage.

T

I know if our marriage is going to survive I need to let him do some things without me, but it's hard right now.

With your last broken NC a month ago, he should be doing everything possible to make you feel safe.

Doing things without you should be fine way down the road after he has earned back some trust.

I can understand the need to tell your story and to bring out your WH's ilicit affair into the light of day.

On the one hand, some will tell you that making it public (at least with a select few trusted people) can be of benefit as there will now be someone to help keep WH accountable for his actions and also to provide support in the reconciliation process.

On the other hand, telling others may create suffering in those you tell. My WW if a big proponent of this thought. I wanted to tell our families about her affairs so that they might speak to her and convince her of how shameful her behaviors have been. she feels that telling her parents would cause them to suffer in the knowledge that their only daughter is a two-timing ho.

I honored her viewpoint and kept my mouth shut after DDay#1 and also after DDay#2. But I had to tell someone after DDay#3 because the pain had become unbearable. To date, only my brother and our church pastor knows of the trouble that WW and I are facing.

As far as telling friends is concerned, I think its a case by case situation. Most of the friends WW and I have are from our church. no one there knows of what we are going through. News like this would be devastating to the congregation as we are generally well respected professionals and prominent members of the church

I feel like telling too, and other than confiding in my mom & sister - haven't. He asked me not to because he said it would ruin his business. I understand this but he had a support group of the whore & the whores friends. I keep quiet for me too, I am so ashamed that this happened to me, us.e I can't bare to tell people. When my anger sets in I want to shout to the world what this slut did & how she hurt our family. I want to take out a billboard and announce to the world what a homewrecking slut she is. I believe in karma though, so I hope someday she will be repaid in kind. I wish you peace, and strength. Hugs to you. Whatever you decide, do it with you in mind, not anyone else. You are what is important.

I want to take out a billboard and announce to the world what a homewrecking slut she is

I'd never do it, but the thought of it, with a couple pictures sure is amusing

That last one about the billboard telling the world what a slut she is echoes my feelings...she has left me broken, rang my husband at work so many times he says his coworkers knew they had an affair (Before me) and slept with a man who had a wide 8 months pregnant....would love everyone to know what a desperate pathetic excuse for a woman she is but then I catch myself on and think I'm better than that crazy woman who rang my bell and woke my baby in the early hours of the morning...she can't and won't bring me down to her crappy level....still, it makes me smile thinking about it....

My WH and I had a 5 hour talk about communication and sex and everything. We had great progress. We didn't yell. We referee'd ourselves when one person began to feel defensive or one person began to feel accusatory. It was great!

I said, the thing I need for R would be the prostitutes have to cease.

2 hours later, he's with a prostitute!!!

I was furious! At first, I texted my friend, swearing and cursing like sailor.

Then I hesitated, thought about it, hesitated, and then posted it all on Facebook. Sure did!

Do I think it's wrong? Yep, sure do! Do I think prostitution is wrong? Yep, sure do! Most people from my work know what's going, so I didn't care if they read it. My close friends knew what was going on. But, all of my family didn't know and of course, his family and friends didn't know.

His one friend had a falling out last month, do to my WH lying. I know he read it. He never replied.

I know they are probably thinking, this is a private matter.

My IC says that for an addict, someone has to be the bell ringer, or they will continue to be an addict. I had thought at the time, his family doesn't need to know about our sex life or, his sex life.

For some reason my IC was pleased that I had become angry and laughed when I said I posted on Facebook.

It was impulsive. I don't think his family will believe the post. But, before they had no idea about the infidelity and consorting of criminals. They thought I was a mean, non talkative baby. Now, at least, they will have that thought, prostitutes, in their heads and will wonder for a second what is true and what's not.

Secrecy is an adulterers favorite weapon. The more there is, the more they won't be accountable.

I used to tell my WH, if its something you have to keep secret, it's something you probably shouldn't be doing.

There are other things I want to do too, when my anger sets in. I am rational though, and like the above post says, won't bring myself to their lower level. It sure would feel good though. I have friends that have been through cheating, and some of the things they did, were to take all of the WH clothes out of the closet and throw them out the front window, then pour urine all over them. Didn't ask where the urine came from. Had another friend put itching powder in all of his underwear. I couldn't think of anything that creative the day I found out, so I found myself in the laundry room and every piece of clothing that was his, I threw behind the washing machine. I continued that ritual for about a week, and he started to run out of underwear. I should have left them there. I felt bad, so I retrieved them and washed them. I am still disappointed in myself for giving in so soon. Should have sent the WH to a laundromat.

I can totally relate. I feel so alone in this and no one sees why i am depressed. I have heard that telling me can have a negative effect on R because they will continue to tell you what they think you should do, what you deserve, etc. This is actually a topic I am gonna bring up to my IC tomorrow. I feel like if i tell my friends then they will totally yell at me to leave. If i don't leave, then I will feel judged and maybe even dumb in their eyes. My one friend now does not know about the A but knows we are having trouble and without even knowing about the A, she wants me to leave the M. She said it is hard to keep hearing me be so sad in my marriage. I can only imagine what she would say if she knew about the A in addition to the other stuff i have told her. That is why for now, I have kept it to myself. The decisions I make I want to make based on my feelings and needs, not to appease others. I know you ? "why are we still together" and I feel this as well. I fear their opinions could get in the way of me figuring this out. That is just my opinion so I would think about the pros and cons to telling others. I know some say to tell others so that your WS is accountable when he is out, and has to be on best behavior, but in reality, the WS has to learn to be accountable without any "Big Brother" watching. Good luck.

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User Topic: long silent/then I couldn't .

Juanita

New Member

Member # 39913

Posted: 11:11 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Having been weathering my grand daughter's return from Buenos Aires Junior year abroad,

which has muted/paused my connection with SI for some many weeks now I return to

contemplate the issue of "Telling". At the moment of discovery ("D"day) I crumbled and told a

couple of female friends, after confronting my WS facilitator. Then, seeking understanding, I spoke with some dear

friends who had known my WH longer than I, though I soon realized their perceptions

idealized him, preventing belief of his betrayal.Against his friends' advice; ill advised or not I

have told more people who loved him: people who supported him on his pedestal, though I too

had sustained him there. Uneasy at being in company with the many people who revered and admired him, I found I could not continue to protect his image. Not sure how much vengeance lies in this, but I still don't feel badly. I'm still oblivious of whatever may be the repercussions but the impulse to reveal his dark side, duplicity and lies; his secret life, was irresistible.

I am still in disbelief and anguished dismay over the 15 years of sexual "congress" his mistress revealed

to me. As I continue to contemplate I believe the emotional affair was so much longer.

Whatever, it was deep and destructive. A mockery of my existence.

Marriage ? A big fat joke !

Next week I will be consulting a psychic for a spirit reading. With no real understanding and

certainly no experience perhaps I will be hoping for a conversation that is not going to be

accessible to me. The need for confrontation is paramount, probably beyond the parameters available

My WH has been dead for 13 months. My marriage was over long before, unknown to me. My pain and grief at his death plus my grief for the

hypocrisy, dishonesty and betrayal has not diminished. It is only muffled by the

antidepressants; the busyness punctuated by the deafening silence and bleak aloneness.

Wish me luck at my reading.

If anyone has experience at posing questions I will be grATEFUL FOR YOUR COUNSe1.

Furthermore I face this week a probable diagnosis of a recurrence of breast cancer, as well as endometrial cancer.

This is so clearly linked to the stress of realization of my WH's sexual rejection.

Just when you think you've gotten your share, or more, of kicks and blows, it all hits from another angle!

So, so tired. Why go on ?

On D-Day, although I was overwhelmed with shock, I was able to focus on our children and the pain this would cause them. I went through this with my own parents and I know the turmoil it caused.

For that reason, I decided not to tell anyone other than my closest friend. Turns out her father was a cheater so she more than understood.

Does it add to the difficulty? In some ways, I'm sure it does. Every so often, the topic comes up when I'm with friends. I remain silent while they joke about what they'd do if their husband cheated on them. (I probably did the same prior to having to deal with it personally.)

We do go to MC. That was important to me and it helps. She's made it crystal clear to my FWH that my choosing to keep it between us is something he should be extremely grateful for as it would make the situation that much harder to deal with, particularly for our family.

He knows that it will only take one slip-up for me to blow the lid off. It's been a year and a half. Will I ever fully trust him? I doubt it. He cheated for far too long for me to let my guard down. Still, the intensity of that mistrust has lessened.

For the times that I want to scream it from the rooftops, I think of our children and know that for me, this is the right decision.

You're early into this. If it upsets you when he goes out without you, tell him. What other people think is irrelevant. What you NEED is all that matters. It's time to get selfish and put yourself first.

I put it out on FB the night I found out. Posted it on my site, his site, AND MOW's site. No way was I gonna let lies and deceit fester in secrecy. Secrecy and lies caused the affair, I sure as hell wasn't going to perpetuate it by letting them go on their merry way. I still think it was the best decision I ever made during the whole thing. It did several things for me:

1) People felt open to talk to me and tell me about this other couple. I learned a lot of things WS did not know and in turn, learned how much of a fake MOW was. People told me about other relationships this woman has helped kill and destroy, a fact WS would not believe if it just came from me.

2) People also knew that I was gonna be "off" and I didn't have to explain why. Thank God or else I would have probably lost it multiple times in public.

3) It caused the other couple to be "outed" in our small town. They both acted like they were perfect. MOW's own WS acted like he was the perfect husband and she was the not-so-perfect one and he tolerated it. Like he was some wonderful human being for dealing with her. Well, MOW had a big mouth and told my WS about her open marriage and the fact that her own husband had multiple other partners as well. A fact I had not problem telling everyone as well. With him having a very public job in our small town, knocked him off his damn high horse too.

4) Made me stronger and more dependant on myself to know I had people in my corner and WS and MOW could not longer gas light and blame shift anymore. WS got *a lot* of flack from people and great advise due to the fact that they knew about the affair because of me making it public. Otherwise WS would have justified and stayed in "the fog" a hell of a lot longer, I believe.

So as you can see, I'm a huge proponent of telling everyone.

no one needs to make you feel this way. you deserve love and security. didn't he promise you that when you married him? he broke your trust and therefore lost the right to go out alone. this is cake-eating.