SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 6 years out from discovery and here is something I have learned. I spent way too much time focused on the "other"... to the point of ridiculous obsession. I wish I would have listened to some of the old timers who had a bit of wisdom I'm going to pass on that you have probably already heard but don't believe.

this may be hard to understand right now but:

If you want to heal yourself or heal your marriage...which ever you choose, the sooner you let go of the anger and the obsession on the "whore, bitch, Pig, asshole, sperm spreader" etc etc... the sooner you are going to heal.

She or he or it did not have a gun to their head and did not force them to do anything. They were not pre teens who were lured in by a predator...it may hurt and piss you off to hear it but that's the freaking truth. Put your focus on what is important.

I can understand your thread completely. I have had a similar situation.

I don't think that this thread is at all about her making all the blame on the OP. In this tread she just wants to state her frustration with the OP.

I think lovedyoumore does see the short comings of her WS. What his weakness is that he fell for this.

The thing is there are these type of people every place. I also believe more now with this entitled word. I can have anything I want when I want.

This is just not in relationships that this is happening but in jobs were people will step over anyone or anything to get what they want. Also people who will con people out of money.

Even Dr. Phil says he has been conned and played by these types of people. That is why he wrote his new book. He states in his book how these people have been in his life and how they try to suck the life out of everyone else. He is a very intelligent man and he has had similar life experiences.

He explains that yes they can spot the people to manipulate.

My WS also f##ked a pig and beyond that she continued to manipulate him for years. He was a very stupid, weak, naive pathic person. However he is my husband.

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 2:59 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

This was relayed to me as a replay after an extensive IC session on how my H's poor boundaries played into the A. This is how my H remembers the conversation brought out by the IC in role playing. Is it completely accurate? Of course not. But, I believe the spirit of it given the rest of the story. There were many more hours of conversations, although this is how he remembers the first one. He did not go to her bed for about 4 months after her first "invitation".

I did see texts from the beginning around this time. Hers were almost always suggestive and his answers bland.

The frog analogy is from their whole 6 month EA leading up to the boiling moment when he finally did go to her bed. And yes, her leading, negative conversations should have been hot enough to send him away. But it was not and my heart has been ripped.

I think we all know our WS have some kind of flaw. I also think there are WS out there that were always on the make as well as spouses that had one time situational A's that will not be repeated. I am afraid most WS fall somewhere in the middle.

Thanks for the comments.

I was going to jump to your defense, Lovedyoumore, because I feel people are misunderstanding your thread. I don't see you saying your WH was a victim or not responsible for his choices.

However, I see 2oldforthis covered it nicely.

I watched the show on sociopaths that Dr. Phil had, and it was in relation to his new book, I believe. There was a female sociopath on the show who happily described how she would go after married man just 'cause she enjoyed fucking with peoples lives. No interest in the man, really, just got off on fucking up peoples lives.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:12 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Even Dr. Phil says he has been conned and played by these types of people. That is why he wrote his new book. He states in his book how these people have been in his life and how they try to suck the life out of everyone else. He is a very intelligent man and he has had similar life experiences

Of course there are...but did Dr. Phil say that he obsesses over them...I doubt it. Maybe we should try simply try to eliminate them from our life? I get the obsessions...trust me no one had more then I did about my fantasies of ripping the lungs out of the OM...I'm just saying try to do something about them or they will eat you up. I think sometimes we need to focus our hate on the other person because how else could we possibly cope with what the most trusted person in our lives did...I get that, but sooner or later the focus had better come back to the real issues...and that is the hard reality of this shit.

I should also add, if this OW had just gone away after DDay NC was requested, I could have begun to put her away. But she sent messages, left notes under his office door after hours, left gifts at the door, showed up at events we went to and even showed up at our church morethan once. The job she quit to get near my husband was in another denomination.. She was a youth minister with a divinity grad degree. She just keeps showing up and we live in the suburbs of a large city.

My H has found another job and we are leaving our home town city to get away from her. A life of over 30 years is being uprooted because the OW does not have the decency to go away. So yeah, I still have intense feelings about her. We are going so we can both heal.

Not sure where this got to the point that I obsess about her. I just have the normal good day/bad day syndrome. I just thought this would be interesting to throw around.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 3:23 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Oh, yeah, Loved, I remember the pig. She showed up at your church. She is one cray cray fucked up bunny boiler.

I agree. If OW in our situation had put its cooze back under the rock it oozed out from under after d-day (or after FWH ended it 6 years earlier) went NC it would be much easier. But, when you are always looking over your shoulder for cray cray (OW stalked and fished for FWH for 8-9 years after it ended) it is a little hard to not still be thinking about the OW.

I knew I had some connection with you, Loved, I just couldn't remember how.

Totally understand that bunny boiler thing. It was legal action that got us away from the bunny boiler.

We turned the tables on her.