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Do people get stuck on the loss of fidelity in your M?

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AroundTheWorld ( new member #40192) posted at 9:30 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

I think this is the absolute hardest thing for me to get past. We were each others "onlys" and he is still my only, but he has now had sex/oral with over 20 other women. I don't know if I can ever get over that, how do you get over that? When will I ever be able to stop comparing myself to them, what they did together, exactly how they did it together? I can never get back the past 7 years which I feel are just tainted and nothing but lies. I don't even consider myself married anymore because that whole day was just a lie.

Me: BS 30
Him: WS 32, serial cheater
No Children
Together 11.5years, M 1year
33 OW in 7yrs. 33 is not a typo
D-Day#1 - June 21, 2013
D-Day#2 - August 1, 2013
Separated

posts: 8   ·   registered: Aug. 6th, 2013
id 6469235
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HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 9:56 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

My H didn't have a PA, so there was no loss of fidelity.

My H didn't have a PA either, but there was a loss of fidelity...he wanted to D me to M her.

the loss of innocence in our M

^^^This^^^

Maybe we can have a new M, and start all over?

I got PTSD because of the A, and it has brought back addictive behaviors...I'm stuck in the pain and adrenalyn of SI land.

Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

posts: 1735   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2009
id 6469266
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broken313 ( member #39006) posted at 12:29 AM on Saturday, August 31st, 2013

Yep, having just survived our 17th antiversary, the fidelity thing has hit me hard, him, not so much.

An opportunity presented itself to him and suddenly the vows, promises meant nothing? I cant get over how their fogged up brains conveniently forget these things. He explained to me soon after dday that he is grey about these matters where as I am black or white! WTF...

Im not religious either but when it comes to my vows, there was no doubt there at all. The thought of weddings and promises make me feel queasy now.

I get you when you say the specialness is gone, we are a now a statistic arent we?

I think it is a grieving thing, its not silly and I'm sure we all feel it to some degree.

Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

posts: 118   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2013
id 6469402
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GraceisGood ( member #17686) posted at 3:38 PM on Saturday, August 31st, 2013

As well as I have been doing emotionally I just don't know what to make of these feelings?

For me, digging down and figuring out why I put such an importance on fidelity was a start. To figure out what I got out of my line of thinking in this area, my reasons, how it came about, etc. Really analyzing and getting to the core of it. I mean many do not place such a value on fidelity do they, it is not like it is universal, right, there are swingers, there are those who sow their wild oats before settling down, and so on, so why was it so important to ME?

Heck, what would it matter if I had sex with someone else?

that is another good question to really delve into and get to the core answer of as well. For me, I have come to the conclusion that even though our M is broken, my side is not and I choose to keep it solid or not, for myself and myself alone. I also choose to never do to another what I would not want done to myself, just part of my core.

Certainly marriage is so much more that a commitment of fidelity

True, but fidelity really is the crux IMO. There are other areas of fidelity, it is not just this one area, and as far as sexual fidelity goes, there are many levels there as well, we each have to weigh it out and see where we stand and what we can live with, what we can "accept".

How do other people cope with this permanent loss in your M

I am of the mind set (at this time, cannot guarantee it will not change ) that sometimes we have to loose things in order to get things, we cannot always have it all. Everything comes at a price, etc. I just have to choose to accept the price or not, is what I have now worth the cost?

Then of course grace and redemption get thrown in the mix as well, so it is not all cut and dried is it?

Grace

We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

posts: 3659   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2008   ·   location: how far the east is from the west
id 6469798
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painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 6:18 PM on Saturday, August 31st, 2013

We may no longer have the purity we once did, but like the difference between a pure metal and an alloy, we now have a strength we never had before.

Now THAT is quote worthy!


D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

posts: 7192   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010   ·   location: Coastal South
id 6469913
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