Lost the plot again today. I asked all these questions yesterday and wanted the truth. Turns out it doesn't matter, the damage is done.
He admitted today that 'some part of him' (never a yes or no answer from this one) must have wanted to have sex with her if he did it. No shit Sherlock! What really finished me was when he said as far as he was concerned our marriage was over and he felt free to do what he liked as the damage was done. Funny how he never thought we were over until she came along. Funny how I was oblivious to this momentous decision he made for me without even letting me know!
The first I knew was when he asked for a break the day he had kissed her twice. To get his head together supposedly but I bet the texting would have continued and seeing as he wouldn't go to his mums for the 'break' it seems clear to me what would have happened, especially since the next night when I sent him out 'to have a fun night' watching a pub band she picked him up and he screwed her. I really am not THAT thick!
It was all she made me feel so good I could never say no to her, I thought if she could make me feel so good then I couldn't love you.
He originally claimed after he kissed her he knew he wanted me. Now it turns out it was when they were having sex. He still says he didn't enjoy it but he was willing enough to do it.
All his abuse and insults were to push me away rather than face the truth of what he has done. That does not sound like a man who was desperate to keep me after his 'mistake' and the realisation that I really am his world and he adores me 
After all the little comments over the years about my weight and more recently how he has no life living with a wife with mental health problems. He blames my illness and my distance for him being 'low' and that led to his affair.
I am sorry but I am bipolar2. I know all about low ffs! Have I ever cheated - no!
Now he claims he has realised I am the only woman in the world for him and he adores me. He also claims that despite writing off our marriage without consulting me that he loved me all along! Oh aren't I the lucky one.It just makes me feel sick to hear it cos imo if you love someone you don't cultivate a 'secret friendship' from day one. You don't lie and deceive, you don't let yourself develop feelings for another woman even if it is just that she has a great personality but he didn't fancy her just the fact she stroked his ego.
Well he let her do that. He made his choice those 6 weeks when he decided he was going to be a single guy for a while and have 'a bit of fun, I didn't see the harm in it. I even thought if I was happier I would be a better husband to you' OMFG!!!
Meltdown today when it hit me yet again, this really happened! my kisa turned out to be a joke. Our wedding vows 13 years ago were a joke. I have wasted half my life bragging what a fab relationship we had.
Even after finding pm's in his email that showed he was secretly talking to an ex I forgave him. He didn't take it seriously, he was 'just flirting and trying to boost her up after being dumped' er ok. does asking 'me tarzan you jane?' sound like trying to cheer her up or better yet the 'if only I could mmmmmmm!' comment that followed. HE actually insisted he was referring to their past relationship i.e if only I could have THEN - yeah right! He has an answer for everything this one and it's rarely the truth anymore.
He was faithful for 16 years so I let it go then 2 years later he f**ks his girlfriend after an EA that went PA. all it took was some ego stroking. PIG!
Anyway I lost it today. Yes I broke and threatened suicide. I really want to do it but know I can't cos of my son but I feel so effing trapped. I am housebound due to extreme anxiety and he threatens to get me put back on the psych ward. He had me taken in when ds was 9months old and I had severe PND. I told him those places are dumping grounds. It's a mix between a woman's prison and a graveyard. I never got any help in there other than from the inmates and lied my way out. Every time I meltdown he threatens to put me back in there 'to stop me hurting myself' it's him that hurt me!!
He rings my mum and says for her to sort me out. Thankfully she did. I have tried R, I have tried to just be friends. It doesn't matter what I do I am tormented from the minute I open my eyes til I close them again. MY KISA! He rescued me froma shit life and cherished me, or so I thought. Now I just feel a fool. How could I have trusted him so completely and loved him so completely for him to just throw it away. He did this knowing what it would do to me. He even admits I have always loved him more than he has loved me.
I have looked after our home, our child and him. I have made our house a home. I made our relationship when he was too lazy to make any effort. I gave him my whole heart and he threw it away when it suited him.
Mum says I need to keep going for our son. She is right it's just so hard. I feel he would be better without me crying all the time.
She says the only way I will get through this is to let him go. HE says he doesn't want to but it's too little too late. He made his choice. How do I stop loving him though? I have loved him everyday since I was 17. She says I have to harden my heart and distance myself if I can't forgive him.
I can't forgive him, but I can't stop loving him. I just want it all to stop.
I hit him again today. I am disgusted with myself. HE gets in my face and screams 'hit me then you know you want to' over and over until I do. I have never hit him in 18years until this and now I have slapped him repeatedly on both occasions. AS usual everything washes over him, not a mark thankfully but I have a sore hand. Everything I do think or feel and it's me that hurts.
I will not become this out of control nutter because he is pushing me past my limits. I will put up the barricades and try to cope for my boy. I will never let him in my heart again. OR anyone else for that matter. It seems no man can be trusted. He swore from day 1 he was different. Would never cheat, would never abuse me like my ex did, would never hurt me. I was the most important person In his life. Once I started to believe that and relax my paranoia he goes and does everything he swore he wouldn't.
I trust no one now. It's me me boy and our puppy. H can live in the mess of his own making. I don't care anymore - well I am trying not to....
[This message edited by olwen at 1:43 PM, August 30th (Friday)]
