SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

my H's A was with his ex girlfriend. When I found this out I was really shocked by the whole thing.

For like 13 years her name was never mentioned and I didn't even think he thought about her. Then here he was writing love letters how he never stopped loving her etc and how he always thought of her..etc

With me, I had plenty of ex's too. But, the thing is, I never even think of them at all. One guy I was with for 4 years and another guy I was with for 2. But, I never think of them since I married. I have never had any urge to contact them ever. I never desire them. If they contacted me I wouldn't even call/email etc them back.

Do you still desire your old loves? Think of them/ Love them?

One thing I was thinking today is about fantasy life. I think music can play into fantasy. You know when you listen to songs on the radio and its all songs like..."ohhh I will love you forever...blah blah or love you even when you are gone etc...'

I know that one Adele song is like this about a woman who contacts her old flame. I am sure you might know the one I mean.... "Someone like You" where she says in it : "I heard that you're settled down/That you found a girl and you're married now. I heard that your dreams came true/Guess she gave you things I couldn't give to you". She even said in an interview that it was about angrily confronting her ex when he married someone else and how she imagined him when he would be 40 and she would contact him again.

: "Adele had said that she began writing it on her acoustic guitar in the wake of the break-up of her 18-month relationship with the 30-year old man she thought she would marry. A few months after their split he was engaged to someone else. "We were so intense I thought we would get married. But that was something he never wanted... So when I found out he does want that with someone else, it was just the horrible-est feeling ever."

Well the crazy thing is, this song is like my life. See, the ex and my H were like this for about 18mons and then one day, they broke up and he moved on. He met me and within a few months we were married. He chose me.

So my H's ex was fuming that he married someone else and not her. That is her motivation she said for contacting H. To get back at him, to hurt me, to win him back.

I liked that song when it came on in 2011 but it always irked me. I did think about my H's ex girlfriend when this song came out...ironically when this song was popular would have been prime time in their secret A. I often wonder if this song played into her contacting my H. Its a song that really sucks when you think about it--a woman trying to mess up a married man's life.

I would never do that to any of my ex's. We had intense relationships too but, we broke up. We moved on. I don't love them anymore nor desire them to love me. I did love them at the time, but that love just ended one day because I chose it to. I would never even say to them "I love you as a friend". I did then, but don't now. They don't always have to be my friend or my love forever or any of that crap. All of my loyalty and love and friendship belongs to my H. I just wish my H would feel the same.

I don't get ppl that want to rekindle lost love. Am I heartless or something? Am I the only one that thinks this ?

That reminds me of a song by Mya called "Case of the Ex". It's from the perspective of the betrayed fiancee, about what happens when her guy catches feelings for an ex who is now contacting him after hearing he bought his fiancee a ring.

Dr. Glass was talking about old flames as affairs being "highly successful" if they go on to have a post-affair relationship. I wince at her language. She also said at another point in her book that she believes that a WS is trying to be someone else in their affair, someone they like being. If that's true, it seems like that would be even more glaringly true in an old-flame type relationship - specifically, trying to be young again. It might seem like it's about the person, that somehow the AP is the "one who got away" - but probably it's more about how the WS feels in the affair. Like they're a younger more carefree version of themselves with someone who remembers what they were like when they were younger and more carefree. A mirror with a precise vision. Doesn't mean it was meant to be or that it's special. Just that the addiction is that much harder to break when you give in to it.

The times that I have thought of old loves or crushes, I do mental NC until the feelings pass and remind myself that they're just chemicals. Try to break it down into the *thing* that was attractive (was it that we were both into gardening? Or that we saw some good movies together? Or that we could talk a lot about deep subjects?) and separate that from the person. And hold on to the good things while the feelings go away. It makes it easier to let the feelings go if I remember that I can share those things I value with my husband or even other friends and family if they're non-romantic things. Love is a choice.

I never even think of them at all.

Me either. I, too, used to wonder if I was weird or heartless.