(((Eranda))) You have definitely been thru enough trials for one life and I completely understand you feeling broken and like giving up.
I've read your post a couple of times before responding because I can relate, and because I actually used to go around and tell people I was broken too, but I don't know what exactly to say except that I relate and my heart goes out for you because I do actually understand the pain you are feeling (or the numbness when you finally close off to the pain).
I am definitely more cynical than I used to be, and I seem to have a love/hate relationship with humans. Overall, I don't like them. Overall, it seems they are cruel, selfish, hateful, ignorant, judgmental, manipulative, lying, cheating, and take advantage of others. They are superficial and according to our media or our personal experience, just move from person to person always looking to trade and look for the unicorns and rainbows fantasy . But, on a case-by-case basis I know this isn't true about my family and friends. I find so many positive things about people, especially once I get to know them......and I end up caring about and loving others again....I know in the real world, people do love one another for life , they do care about each other, and there are good, honest people. I have so many friends that are beautiful but imperfect souls....and I do love them.
What you have been thru at the hands of your partner(s) can definitely make you untrusting and cynical. I am still having to watch my every move (my dd is 15) because my psychoX is still trying to find ways to take her away from me or inflict damage on her in order to hurt me....and I truly think once he loses control of her (she is almost too old at this point for him to control thru court and although he does not follow or care about laws, he does use them to inflict punishment whenever possible) but I do think he will actually try to kill me at some point. He is not just psychopathic but also mentally ill. Talk about making great choices for a partner, huh? 7 years after the divorce, the anger is still there and simmering and he hasn't even dated anyone else.
I lost my credit, over $60K, my home, my lifestyle, and more to the last 2 husbands and I am looking into filing bankruptcy if the last one doesn't finish paying off his van in my name (I was way too trusting also and he hasn't made a payment in 3 months and now I am getting collection calls.)
It sucks, it isn't fair. I am a good person and I work hard. And most of the men I have chosen don't appreciate that, they only use it to their advantage. I am tired of being taken advantage of.
Here is the positive news. I am with someone now who loves me for who I am inside. I had to look outside my normal parameters of what I was looking for in a dating partner. I think I just got worn down and was tired of dating hot, exciting, alpha-male types. Not saying my new guy isn't hot because to me, he is the hottest guy I've ever seen, but I was best friends with him for a year and I wasn't interested in more than friends. He finally convinced me to take it to the next level (because over time my thinking changed. I was thinking, hey, this guy is always here for me. He actually cares about me....) I haven't been sorry, although it has been difficult at times. He isn't what most girls would want for a boyfriend. He has considerable baggage. He is the wrong age for me. But I've never felt so secure and safe before and I like that feeling.
No guarantees and I know I am taking a chance again, and I feel if this one doesn't work I will be totally done trusting it will ever happen for me, but I also know myself enough to know I will never give up on something I want bad enough so I know in the end I would keep trying because no matter how much I try to deny it, I do believe in lasting love. I've seen it in a few cases (it isn't prevalent but it is out there.)
It is okay if you truly feel you are okay alone, but honestly, I think you are just in the same place I was a year ago and just tired of trying and getting stomped on. Take a break and strengthen yourself. Eranda, you've been thru hell. There is no way you can go thru everything you have had to endure and not end up with some negative feelings and anger and distrust. But take some time and figure out what you truly want out of life, and then start making them happen. And if you do decide you truly do want a partner, then at some point you will have to trust someone again, open your heart, lose the bitterness/cynicism, and take that chance. And maybe by the time you get to that point, your idea of what you are attracted to may change a bit.....
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:40 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]
