SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was almost two months ago. I had a 9 month affair with a coworker. She found out through my text message history, which gave her all of the gory details.. :(

She moved out this week. Papers are filed, and we are selling out dream home because I brought OW into it.

I don't get to see my kids today. It is eating me alive. All I want is my family back, but she doesn't believe that I am at all remorseful.

I don't know where to go from here. I hope, pray, and wish that she would give me a chance.

Maybe in time, but she is just mean to me now (and I deserve that). She refuses therapy, insists I am still having an affair, and won't talk to me but about very basic things to do with the kids.

I never meant to have an affair. It wasn't something I set out to do. I was mentoring someone who was going through hard times at home. That was how it started. The tangled web grew from there, and eventually I had compartmentalized things so much that I just kept on going at home and had convinced myself that the affair would end.

i was selfish, naive, and now I have to live with it...

Hi Jim,

Welcome to SI. You'll find the support that you need here.

I'm sorry you are struggling. The consequences of our actions suck! Too bad we aren't thinking of that before we cheat . We become really good at compartmentalizing, living in denial, all the unhealthy stuff. I understand.

You cannot control what your BW is doing, but you can work on you. Do some work to figure out why, even though you 'never meant to have an affair' (neither did I ), you allowed it to happen.

Are you in IC? That would be a good start.

Your BW may not change her mind, but either way, you will become a better, healthier person and that is a good thing.

I hope you get to spend some time with your kids soon.

AN

Thanks, AN.

I am in IC. We tried MC, but BS was't willing. The only hope I have left is that she told me a few days ago that she has at least had "thoughts" about us/our family.

The legal process is moving forward, and she is barely even talking as it relates to the kids.

I have been lying in bed for three hours since waking up. I am longing for the pitter patter of my son's feet...

I give it 99.5% no-shot on reconciliation. She has said she wants to be with someone who has never cheated, and that can't be me.

I am teetering between acceptance and depression, with a strong leaning towards depression...

I wish she was willing to try. I am committed to her healing, rebuilding trust, and being the man I once was...

-J

Hi,

Welcome to SI.

being the man I once was...

Sorry, but this is not what I would aim for, the man you once were is the one that cheated on her. Strive to figure out why you could do this, and fix it. Get out of bed and get to work on this. Start reading, start looking internally and see who you are. There is a lot of work there and you need to get to it.

Stick around, there are great people here that can help you.

You won't get over anything unless you do something about it.

I fell in love with a girl before I met my exw and she was always around my house being my BWs sister, it was always a temptation and one day it got the better of me, I know why my relationship and marriage didn't work, because I didn't want it but felt tied to it because of the kids, my feelings for another woman were stronger than those for my exw and family I had.

I miss the kids terribly but it is a loss I will suffer as I cannot live in the same county as them without her turning up and hounding me.

You have to find out what was missing in your marriage and find out why you had such poor boundaries as to be able to cheat.

Good luck.

DD

Jim: I'm sorry you find yourself here but you have definitely come to a place of help and support. I can sympathize with how you feel. I was asked to leave earlier today (and a few times before). Every time it kills me to leave. I hate what I've done and who I've been. I know its necessary though for my BS to heal. Aside from my remorse and longing to be with my beautiful BS, the part that hurts the most about leaving is the kids. I saw you miss the pitter patter of the little feet. How young? I have a 13 month old that I adore and a 12 y/o step daughter that I love like my own. Knowing my actions will hurt them adds more to my depression as well. I've lost something like 40 pounds since DDay. Keep working on yourself because that's the only hope we WS have to earn our BS back (for those who want R).

~8 months and 2.5yo. :(

I got ~4 hours with them tonight. A lot of the rest of my day was spent trying to sell our dream home (she can't stand the thought of keeping it). I am losing my shirt on it, but it doesn't matter if it keeps my family together.

She is so mean to me, and continues to reiterate that there is no chance. I don't know that I have much hope left of reconciliation. She has to be at least talking to me, yes?

Jim: wow, it feels like 8 months for us was years ago. i'm sorry you are missing that but very happy you're at least getting a little time with them. even though your BS is being mean, at least she's letting you see the kids. there's always hope. If she's letting you see your kids, you'll have to interact with her at least a little. In those moments is when you can show you are working on healing and changing. When I keep staring down the road about to be kicked out, I remind myself that if that happens, I need to spend the time wisely to heal and fix myself so that someday I'll be safe in the eyes of my betrayed. At the very least, I would need to change for my kids so I can set a better example and they can learn from my mistakes instead of repeating mine!

[This message edited by 1DumbHusband at 12:34 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

1DH,

I hope there is still a chance. She really isn't talking with me, even during the exchanges. Anything said is typically sharp, mean, accusatory, or something similar. Usually along the lines of "you destroyed our family". She was tearing up when I picked up the boys for my four hours with them last night.

Supposedly one of her friends is willing to talk with me today. I just hope to relay that I am actively working on continuing to learn more about myself and the things that lead me to make this decision.

I am a little concerned as my Therapist is really putting the blame on my BS. Yes, we were lacking in a lot of areas (intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), but I need to own my choices. Putting it on her isn't going to help.

The legal process is sort of like an avalanche at this point. I can't seem to slow ANYTHING down, and my BS is choosing to communicate about almost everything ONLY through attorneys.

I am discouraged, as I don't see her and I having any real conversation in the near future.

I have thought about writing her a letter. I have thought about trying to get her friend to watch the kids so she and I can go to dinner and just talk. I haven't acted on these, but will broach the subject with her friend today.

I am 99% sure BS will just tell me she wants nothing to do with me...

A friend of hers tells me she still loves me, but that the aftermath (legal, etc.) has added to our issues. She says to write her a heartfelt letter expressing that I don't want to divorce, and that I am willing to provide whatever she and the boys need (by way of time, support, money, etc.).

I made the mistake of letting my attorney know I was going to send something like this. She said "do not -- not right now, her attorney just told me that your asking her back is being construed as harassment -- that I am 'messing with her head'".

Now what ;/

She really isn't talking with me, even during the exchanges. Anything said is typically sharp, mean, accusatory, or something similar. Usually along the lines of "you destroyed our family".

This will continue so strap in and be prepared if you truly want to R. In all my contemplating since DDay, I've asked myself this simple question: "if this is the new "normal", is it something I want to go thought for the rest of my life if we stay together?" This is a hard question to face sometimes. I can honestly say that every time I ask myself, the answer is always "yes"! If this is the new normal, are you prepared for her to always be cold and callous towards you? Would you still want her if she agreed to R, but always had triggers and became this hateful person for however long again?

I am a little concerned as my Therapist is really putting the blame on my BS. Yes, we were lacking in a lot of areas (intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), but I need to own my choices. Putting it on her isn't going to help.

Personally I would seek a new IC. I've spent the last 6 years blame shifting for my actions. I clearly don't need help doing that anymore. What I need is to fix me and how I've been thinking/acting. So if I was seeing an IC who was encouraging me to blame shift, I'd find a new one...but that's me.

I am a little concerned as my Therapist is really putting the blame on my BS. Yes, we were lacking in a lot of areas (intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), but I need to own my choices. Putting it on her isn't going to help.

I am a little concerned as my Therapist is really putting the blame on my BS. Yes, we were lacking in a lot of areas (intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), but I need to own my choices. Putting it on her isn't going to help.

I am 99% sure BS will just tell me she wants nothing to do with me...

And that's true. But the worst thing she can do is say no right? If she says no, just accept that she's not ready and continue working on you.

A friend of hers tells me she still loves me, but that the aftermath (legal, etc.) has added to our issues. She says to write her a heartfelt letter expressing that I don't want to divorce, and that I am willing to provide whatever she and the boys need (by way of time, support, money, etc.). I made the mistake of letting my attorney know I was going to send something like this. She said "do not -- not right now, her attorney just told me that your asking her back is being construed as harassment -- that I am 'messing with her head'". Now what ;/

I'm no attorney, so I can't tell you whether he's right or not. Her attorney could advise her to get a restraining order against you because of the "harassment" and then you might not get to see the kids at all. It's a tough choice. Deep down you'll have to do what you feel is right in your heart. You could write it and ask the friend to read it to her. Let the friend (who gave you the advice) be the one to present it in a non-threatening way since she suggested it. The friend could always ask your wife: Jim wrote this letter. Would you like to read it, would you like for me to read it, or should I throw it away? Then she has a choice in the matter.

Thanks 1DH. My 99% sure she will say no is closer to 99.99 today. She swung by the house last night so I could see the boys (and to see if AP was there. She told me she KNOWS I am continuing the affair, and wants to know what I was doing at AP's house the prior evening. I wasn't at AP's house the prior evening, but rather than engage, I just asked why do you think that? I dropped off the boys and came home... She then started talking about subpoenas and phone records, etc.

She called me again at 7:56 am (on the home line, mind you -- which we never use). Assuming to make sure I was here? She said "2.5yo's school needs a picture of his family, do you want me to send one with me and the boys and you can send one with your family?" I ask, what do you mean "my family", she says "you and AP. I know you are still having an affair and anything else will be a lie".

I have already tried the 100% transparency when we were under the same roof. Now we aren't under the same roof.

I asked what I could do for her and the boys, space, help, support, financially, etc. She said "the only thing is divorce" and hung up on me. I texted back that I was still willing to talk if she would talk to me since she called me.

I love her. I will always love her. I know my actions have put her in "this place". I am truly beginning to think she won't be able to get out of "this place". She has cut blood relatives out of her life for less... (her own mother, for one).

BS here. I am sorry you are hurting so much. I really am. I do see you have true remorse. It sounds like your BS is wounded pretty bad. It's hard either way she goes, R or D.

I think you need a new IC if they are placing blame on her. An A never is the BS fault. WS always has the option of trying to work it out or leave first.

The only way I'm strong enough to R with my husband is my faith. Otherwise, my human understanding of things puts me in a terrible place.

I do commend you on your remorse and taking responsibility for your actions. Yes, it might not be enough. But learn from it and make it a positive. Beating yourself up and being depressed isn't going to make up for it. We all make mistakes and yes, yours is a doozy. But you are alive and breathing and God still has a purpose for your life.

Thanks, PJ.

I meet with my IC tomorrow. I am going to address that head on. I also meet with the MD in the same office. Going to talk about my depression.

I guess my biggest heartache is that BS won't even talk with me. I can't fathom any headway if we can't talk at all. I am not sure if time will fix that or not...

I fear very strongly that this is D, no chance of R. I am going to keep fighting for my family though....

Work on yourself, and try to imagine yourself as the ideal parent without BS by your side. When you get depressed try harder. These kids need you to be that person. For me, I didn't start making real changes until I accepted that I may to go at this alone.

She swung by the house last night so I could see the boys (and to see if AP was there. She told me she KNOWS I am continuing the affair, and wants to know what I was doing at AP's house the prior evening. I wasn't at AP's house the prior evening, but rather than engage, I just asked why do you think that? I dropped off the boys and came home... She then started talking about subpoenas and phone records, etc.

She called me again at 7:56 am (on the home line, mind you -- which we never use). Assuming to make sure I was here? She said "2.5yo's school needs a picture of his family, do you want me to send one with me and the boys and you can send one with your family?" I ask, what do you mean "my family", she says "you and AP. I know you are still having an affair and anything else will be a lie".

I have already tried the 100% transparency when we were under the same roof. Now we aren't under the same roof.

I asked what I could do for her and the boys, space, help, support, financially, etc. She said "the only thing is divorce" and hung up on me. I texted back that I was still willing to talk if she would talk to me since she called me.

I love her. I will always love her. I know my actions have put her in "this place". I am truly beginning to think she won't be able to get out of "this place". She has cut blood relatives out of her life for less... (her own mother, for one).

This sounds like a lot of pain and anger from your BS. Right now, you have to accept the anger and do your best not to respond with anger or defensive statements. Stay the course, take the criticisms and continue to show you're not doing anything when she lets you. If she keeps calling at 7am, let her call. Every time she calls, stops by, checks whatever and you aren't giving her additional reasons to doubt, you're building up a little bit of credit with her. Granted it's pennies towards a $1mil debt, but you have to start somewhere. Keep offering 100% transparency if she wants to see it. Access to emails, phone records, whatever. Actually, print them off ahead of time in case she asks for them. Then you can show her before she even asks or subpoenas them. Even if R isn't possible, there are stories of couples who have R after D. Just because there's D doesn't mean the fight is over if she is what you truly want. Time is truly your friend and enemy. Your BS needs time to heal, but that time is going to be agonizing for you to see if you'll have a chance. At least you still get to see the kids. Be the best dad you can and make sure they know how you feel towards them. They're gonna need that from you more than anything since you're not at home with them!

I haven't posted in a while. I have been severely depressed. I sold the house. I am still seeing the IC.

I am living in one of my investment properties. Court is a snowball. I can't slow it down.

She continues to send me reminders (wedding pictures, links to articles about couples who have been married 50 years, etc.). I am not sure how much of it is "negative engagement" (much of which her parents still exemplify, decades after their divorce).

She continues to tell me she doesn't think we have a future.

I do have time with my kids now, albeit not overnight.

The "harassment" claims have gotten ugly -- both ways. She has been threatening to expose the affair as a way to control me in a multitude of forums.

I am not doing a very good job of trying to work on me, and I am really missing her (or the idea of what I thought we had, or.... ).

Struggling... J

Sorry that you are struggling.

Are you on meds for the depression?

You are still early in the process, so is your BW, I know the cliche is to give it time, but it is true. Maybe with time, both of you can heal more, and things will start to look a little more peaceful.

I am not doing a very good job of trying to work on me, and I am really missing her (or the idea of what I thought we had, or.... ).

I think you will continue to struggle until you work on you.

Best of luck to you.

I am on something for depression. I am not sure it is helping, and am meeting with my doc again soon.

The more I step back and look at this, the more I feel like she will never forgive me. She is throwing daily jabs at me (either verbally, text, or email).

I have been in IC for 20 years, and am starting to wonder if I can fix my issues. It is a discouraging prospect.

Jim,

I started IC myself. We had a terrible session recently that's leading me to seek a new IC for me and my BW. Maybe a change in IC will help you. The jabs and the shots will continue. I have a similar situation with my job. I may be looking for a new one myself due to my actions. At least you are getting time with the kids. Focus on that and cherish every moment you have with them!