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bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 4:34 PM on Wednesday, December 4th, 2013
Brokensmile,
I see what you are saying, 100%. I think I may have jumped on another part of what was being said here that more closely related with what I am going through (as we are all wont to do sometimes!
) Sorry!
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
hopingforhappy ( member #29288) posted at 5:12 PM on Wednesday, December 4th, 2013
It is great to have an instantly remorseful WS, but I don't know the percentages on how many do that. My FWH took a while to get to real remorse. I think he did feel bad for what he did, but it took him a while to learn to put his own guilt and shame aside and deal with my hurt when I was triggering. At first, he allowed himself to be overwhelmed with his own bad feelings. I did not stop sharing my triggers with him though and with time (and a good IC) he got better at listening to my feelings and validating them.
I also think that at first, he was in "fixer" mode and since he didn't know how to undo what he had done, he got frustrated. I really had to explain to him that what I needed for him to do was listen to what I was saying and just be there for me--apologize, reassure me, etc. Again, it took him a while to learn that skill. Sometimes he got impatient and wanted to know how many times he needed to apologize. The answer was "As many times as I need." He has worked at it and has come a long way. Now, he sometimes apologizes to me out of the blue--and that feels really good.
There is hope for a WS who is not instantly remorseful. But he does have to be willing to do the work. I would say it took my FWH at least a year, maybe two, to get to the point where he could handle my triggers effectively. It was worth the work and the wait, for both of us.
Me--BW (57)
Him--FWH (54)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 21 years
DS-19, DD-16
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!
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