SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On 3/6 H announced out of the blue he wanted a divorce. No discussion about it. This was week before our 20th anniversary. Over the next 4 weeks I lost 25lbs and a lot of sleep. He was distant, mean and cold. Suddenly 4/9 he did a 180 and became attentive to my needs for possibly the first time ever and the next 2 months seemed good. I thought we were reconciling until I noticed a few things.

So....I confronted him again and he stated he still felt the same way and still "resented" me but was not going to say why. He had repeatedly denied any type of affair. We had our issues but I honestly never once thought he would ever lie to me or cheat on me. He had always been very closed off and was a poor communicator.

6/23....3 days before I was scheduled to have a hysterectomy I finally pushed hard enough and he confessed. Instant WH. The pain was like no other. I was crying and vomiting. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin I was just so sick that he had done this and exposed me to who knows what. As I was still reeling the jerk took our lawn mower to go mow her lawn and told me I was immature and materialistic when I flipped.

He had told kids he was moving out and would live with OW. I came home from the hospital and had to recover on the couch because he wouldn't leave the room. He remained living at home but took 2 of my kids to meet OW!! He even had my youngest dd 13 justifying adultery. He honestly feels he didn't betray me because he had decided to be done a year ago when he met her. NPD sure can justify. The end of July the counselor we saw to start divorce mediation told him he couldn't live at home acting like a family while having a gf so he left. The counselor doesn't want kids there while he is still married.

I have learned to accept with a lot of help that WH is NPD and has been mentally and emotionally abusive for years. He has essentially walked away and will no longer even acknowledge that I am alive. He will not actively coparent to the point of refusing to answer any text messages from me. He deals exclusively with the kids. He spends most of his off time picking up extra shifts and does not actively pursue spending time with his kids because they aren't allowed to stay with him and OW. He is putting his own selfish needs first as always and is trying to manipulate and guilt the kids.

I feel like someone put my life in a blender and turned it on high. After 24 years, he is just gone. Guess he can pretend he is a widow now. I truly don't understand how someone can be this vile. Worse of all be this hurtful to his children. Its all so new that I really have no idea what is going to happen next. He wanted to mediate but that can't happen without communicating. I can't afford a lawyer. The house is in foreclosure and in need of some major repairs. Now WH is playing victim and acting like we are being horrible to him. All 4 kids and myself begged him to stay and try counseling.

Each day brings something new and a ton of emotions. Some days I am tough. Others not so much. This site has helped me to realize it is not my fault he cheated. I have accepted my portion of the blame for issues in my marriage but will no longer allow him to make me feel like he was justified. This relationship of his will not be blessed. He will be husband #3 for her. That should tell him something. Meanwhile the kids and I are trying to put some of the pieces back together and move forward. Time for a new normal I guess. Just really ready for the pain to let up just a bit.

Me: BS 43

WH: 47

DD: 3/6

LTPA: 6/23 (1 year)

Together 24 years. Married 20

4 teenage children

Oh Jer, I want to hug you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Don't listen to him when he tries to blame you! I'm so angry at him for you. I hope the OW gives him some of his own medicine.

I'm currently reading this book called Runaway Husbands, and it really helped me as I am in a situation similar to your's.

Take care of yourself. We will all come out of this better.

Jer2911, you're doing the best you can!!! I'm holding a positive thought for you and your children!

Hope2B ...

Hurry to a bankruptcy atty. When my house was that late, he told me he could put the arrears into the bankruptcy.

Also, get a free consult with an atty for a quick spousal support to be drawn up.

File TODAY online for SNAP (food stamps),and aid to families with dependant children office. My friend got close to 2,000 when her WH walked out, plus over 500/mo food stamps.

No one wants to accept help, but that's why it's there! Once you get on your feet, you can always pay it back.

I am sorry you are here. My XWH did the same thing. The judge made him pay the house for a year, plus alimony, plus child support, plus he got alot of the bills.

I finally realized my H could walk away so cooly because he also left the marriage (in his mind) a year previously.

DO not stop the counseling. It saved my children and I.

(((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry this is happening.

Sending you comforting thoughts.

Wow. Dont have much to say except as a male I am ashamed to call him same.

Note I did not say he was a man.

Real men D first then get a new woman NOT the other way around.

Then again maybe the OW is already working #4.

I am so sorry you are here as a man who is in your situation I know what you are going through . my stbxw after 18 yrs together and 9 married with two young kds said the same to me as she pretended she wasn't cheating for two years . in their sick mind they justify their behavior like " I was out of the marriage a long time ago , get a lawyer so you can catch up" I heard sick shit like that and I am sure you heard similar . take care of you now as hard as that seems you will pass this stage but how fast and healthy depends on you ! you cannot control him and his decisions, just remember this is not your fault his infidelity has nothing to do with you. I went through the same symptoms as you and I reached anger soon after , now I am 5 months after d day and still at anger but the pain is much less . sure there are some bad days and also some good as before there were all bad . you will survive this you deserve much better . hope my advice helped good luck and stay strong!

Jer,

My heart goes out to you this morning. Homewrecked had some good advice for you. I really don't understand how spouses can be this way to the people they are supposed to love. If he has NPD that makes since. Doesn't make it any better for you and your kids though.

((((((((((((((Jer2911))))))))

Dear Jer2911,

Life in a blender, isn't that the truth. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am so glad to read that you understand this has nothing to do with you - I am starting to finally get that, after 9 months!

I have had no contact with my soon to be ex since March. I found out in November. His behavior towards me did an abrupt change - the switch was just turned off and, still to this day, can not understand how someone can do that. I was the love of his life, then not. Now, he has found his soul mate. I was his third wife, now's he's moving on to number 4. He cheated on wife # 2, twice, me - once that I know of (and don't care to know if there were others, one is enough). I can guess he cheated on the first wife as well.

The pain is excruciating. It literally brought me to my knees, on the floor, sobbing.... Know that it does get better. Over time. All I could do, in those dark moments, was just breath. Talk to friends, family, folks here and get the support you need. It does get better.

It's been a little over 9 months since Dday (and I know that sounds like a eternity, and it has felt like it too). I actually am having some happy moments now and have found my laugh again. I can actually laugh now and I never thought I would laugh again. I still have my moments of upset, pain and hurt, but it's not that deep abyss anymore. It passes much more quickly now. Not every waking moment is spend on thinking about him, her or the affair. I do think about him every day, but less so. And I trust there will come a day, when I don't think about him at all.

For me, I've had to have no contact whatsoever with him over the past few months. Anything I have to say to him, goes through the attorney. I changed my phone numbers and have blocked his emails so that I can have the time and space to heal. We don't have any children, so I have no need to talk to him directly. Anything financial can go through the attorneys.

It will get better. You have the support of all of us here. You are not alone.

(hugs)

Dawn58

I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you. I know in my heart that you will be better off and he will end up worse off. That is how Karma or whatever you want to call it works. It may seem like he's got everything and you got nothing. But hang in there. Heal yourself, pull yourself out of the rubble and make your way in the world without his toxic presence. Let OW have his sorry ass, she will get what she deserves too.

Hi Jer.... it's painful I know. Reading your situation reminds me so much of mine. I am 44, STBXH is 47, 26 yrs together. My XWH did this to me...after 26 yrs 2 children (dd10 & ds8) he leaves me for a 3 month tryst..who really knows how long he was in this sordid relationship for. 9 months later still living with her.

I can certainly relate to the blender part. You keep trying to find clues or signs. Mine said he was unhappy for 5 yrs & wanted to leave 3 yrs ago...but in the meantime like 6 weeks b4 he left he brought a family boat & booked a family holiday for us (we used the boat twice & never did take the family holiday)

Ok 9 mths on....I am in such a better place...no more verbal abuse...lots of laughter in the home.

You are going to feel like your emotions are all over the place...this is to be expected. Please get support. You may not feel like it but concentrate on you & the children. Do not worry or be concerned about your WH. He is the one driving his bus.

I am glad you know all of this has nothing to do with you...sure who doesn't have marriage problems...it's a relationship which means effort and compromise by both partners...not running down the road to the nearest "whatever". She really is insignificant. Read lots in the healing library.

Please take care of yourself and children. You really will receive wonderful support here.

Thank you all for all of the support. It truly helps. Like I have said before its amazing when total strangers can make me feel more cared for than WH of 24 years! After reading some of the discussions I am going to attempt the 180 and although we don't have contact except through the kids I will be setting some boundaries. It has been a little difficult due to the fact that he is law enforcement and knows his legal rights.

I have decided not to discuss him with the kids unless they come to me and tell me they have plans to see him or something has happened. Since it is sporadic visits of any sort I am going to let them go ahead and make their own plans instead of asking them all of the time to check with him on what should be his days off. I would love for him to spend time with them but he needs to "man up" and make the plans. Last night he told dd 15 that I would have to figure out all of the expenses of homeooming for 2 daughters and 1 son out of regular child support that he wouldn't give her any help because they don't want to be with him and they only want him for him $ i actually managed to maintain control of my emotions in front of her. I simply told her that she didn't need to worry that something will work out. Inside I was seething. He spent years not forming real relationships and now expects them to chase after him. He even told younger 2 he refused to pay for cell phones for them until they would stay overnight with him and his mistress.

My heart hurts but I believe it is for the what should have been. The loss of the ideal marriage where you feel cared for not the type that if spoken directly to you are surprised and looking behind you to make sure he is actually having a conversation with you. If not for the last 24 years I wouldn't have these 4 great kids so i can't regret the whole thing. I am not even sure with his NPD if he will ever realize the damage he is doing to his kids. If anyone ever treats my kids this way because he set this example they are going to be in for it.

I believe that one day he will get what he deserves. His family is disgusted by his behavior and are fully backing me. I haven't been able to come up with the $4800 retainer for the lawyer so it is a waiting game. The best revenge is to live a good life. Hoping one day I will know what being truly happy means and if I am lucky and heal from this maybe I will have a chance to find out what it really means to be loved and cherished. For now I will focus on being the best mom I can to my 4 teens and work on healing and learning to love myself. So glad I found this site.

(((hugs)))

My WS did the same: after 10+ years began an A, got cornered, said he wanted R but then started to pull away. In less than a month I was getting the "you lost me before I even met her" speech. Funny, given that a week before DDay we were planning what was essentially a recommitment ceremony.

I spoke to several ICs during DDay and after because the "break" was so stark... the consensus was NPD. It's a brutal thing to be the victim of it. It is truly crazy-making if you aren't careful.

I refused to be verbally and emotionally abused (and I considered his silence abusive as well)... so I NCed him. It was a life-saver. To whatever extent you are able to do the same, please do so. Get yourself far far far away from him. Their coldness is pathological and cruel. It will tear a normal, healthy, loving person apart.

((((hugs))) once again. You sound tough as nails and you are going to get through this. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the future you had hoped for-- but know that you are better for escaping this.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:04 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]