SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I just wanted to make a brief comment on the BPD. I'm not sure if this is because of different countries or something. But where I am there is BPD and BPD traits. Which can be consistently confused.

Either way, BPD here is considered one of those things you can 'cure'. Albeit extremely difficult when the person is older than 25.

Completely agree though, BPD is a tough exhausting animal to deal with. I personally would distance myself from a relationship with someone that has BPD.

You also seem to have a lot of guilt about the fact she does have BPD and the effect of leaving her and loyalty.

If it is the right decision for you, even though you might of vowed "in sickness in health". She also vowed to "forsake all others". So it's easier said then done, but I would try to work on feeling less guilty part.

I pray to have some one told me everything of the truth before the d day.

Please do tell OBS, not matter what consequence, it's way better to be lied to for years.

I had to see a private investigator for non infidelity reasons. We got to talking about his line of work in general and he told me that sadly the majority of his cases were infidelity related. Aside from having to be the messenger of bad news that broke up and devastated families, he said the other horrible part of it that was that he had at least 8 or 9 clients die of AIDS back in the late 80's, early 90's. Faithful spouses contracted STD's and died because of their unfaithful spouse's wayward behavior. Please seriously consider exposing the affair asap for this alone. People have a right to know if their life/health is at risk and you have the information that can save a child's parent or someone's son/daughter.

Coming from someone who waffled on telling the OBS right away (I waited 10 months), I can tell you it's not a bad thing to do. In fact the OBS will be thankful when all is said and done. When I called the OBS (a total stranger) after a difficult conversation where she cried and was also angry at the same time, she asked me why I didn't contact her sooner (with empathy). Although it's difficult in the long run they will appreciate it. Just when you tell them have the facts written down in front of you (dates, names, etc) because most likely at first they will deny anything happened. The BS I contacted didn't believe me until I started spitting out dates, names, how they knew each other, FaceBook, etc. There was a sudden silence as she realized I was telling her the truth. She wanted to know what I was doing (filing for divorce, etc). She actually apologized to me for her WS's behavior. I told her that she isn't the one that needed to apologize.

Thank you all so much for your advice and, most of all, your support. I really hate that I’m in this spot – how I wish I could hit rewind or fast-forward! But hearing from so many of you who have dealt with the same issues has provided me with some hope.

Back to my situation, I will figure out a way to let the BS know. But I’m trying to figure out a way to do it so it doesn’t come back on me. If my wife thought I was behind it, she would go nuts and probably insist on us separating immediately, which is the one thing I’m trying to avoid in all of this because of my kids. So I need anonymity. Also, the OM is a policeman in our mid-sized town and my close friend said that the reason I shouldn’t confront him or tell his wife is because there’s no telling what kind of crap he could pull and that I need to protect myself and my kids.

Frankly, as much as I do love my wife I think I’d be more accepting of our failed marriage if my kids weren’t involved. What scares me the most about separating and moving on is having to split care of the kids – like I said, I’ve pretty much been the parent who has been there for them the past year and I've really grown even closer to them. I have nightmares of being alone in my new place with my kids at my wife’s place. I’d honestly be OK with just living here with my wife and letting her live her life if it meant I’d still be so heavily involved in my kids’ lives (I coach both of them in sports as well, so I’m pretty much used to being around them a lot).

My wife and I had a conversation about how our separation would look and it was very fair in terms of what we’d each get. She makes a little more money than me and she pretty giving with how the future bills would be handled. We talked about how we’d split care of the kids, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking I want to push for primary custody – my wife’s sister, perhaps her closest friend, confided in me that she’d be willing to fly in and testify on my behalf in any custoday case and that my wife’s mom may also do that because they want what’s best for the kids.

The more I think about it, I really don’t want to lose the life I’ve helped create for my family. We have a nice home in a nice town with great schools and great friends. But, as some of you have pointed out, my marriage is not something I would want my kids to emulate, so that’s a factor as well.

I know I’m being naïve but when I married my wife and promised to always love her, that’s how I’ve always felt about her – even after her affairs. I know that makes me a doormat in many people’s eyes and may be a factor in why she cheated again, but that’s how I feel. FWIW, my wife has said a couple of times since she said she wanted to separate that the fact that she doesn’t love me is proof of how screwed up she is because she should be happy with me and our life.

My wife is taking medication for her menopause – her hot flashes have stopped so that’s some drama avoided – and she has been seeing a counselor for her BPD recently.

Meanwhile, I’ve got a meeting with my counselor again tomorrow morning. Like I’ll tell her, as long as I’m around my kids, and I continue to be a positive person and try to do fun and new things like running and learning to cook, and making a point of going out more with my friends, I think I’ll be OK. It’s when I start thinking about my wife and her affair and her lack of feelings for me is when things get rough.

If you guys have more advice and any other guidance (especially about exposing the OM), I’ll happily accept it!

For BPD the therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy, specifically dialectical behavioral therapy. FWW bought the book CBT for Dummies (or something like that) to read as a supplement to her IC. Therapy can teach new was to perceive life and healthier was to respond, but the BPD will always be there. I suspect there is more than "just" the BPD for your WW to overcome to be a healthy M partner.

Borderlines often have problems with empathy and forming emotionally intimate relationships.

Gently, you are changing your behavior to accommodate your WW and her illness. This is how her illness affects you and your children. My example is your fear of what your WW would do if she found out you notified OW. Notification is the right thing to do, but healthy people tiptoe around the BPD. BTW, the book Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good book on living with a BPD.

Give yourself some time to decide what is best for you and your children. Living with a spouse who does not love you is hard to sustain, so is life with an unrepentant cheater. I found IC very helpful to clarify what I wanted for my life after dday and with a W with BPD traits. Despite my FWW doing years of work, last fall we planned to separate and D, then she lost her job and we are in a holding pattern. Even with all her work and effort, FWW had an episode last May where she took off and left me stranded in a hotel across the state from home.

It is all very hard to work through, and so devastating to find we do not have the W and M we wanted and thought we had.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:11 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Dear AZ Kid,

Chances are really high your WS wasn't the OM's first affair, nor will she be his last. Don't worry about any retaliation from him because he's not going to risk his job just for another side piece. But you do need to tell his wife.

And YOU need to get tested for STD's.

Gently here....why do you want to be in a relationship where your partner doesn't love you?

Kids would rather BE from a broken home, than LIVE in one.

You love your kids. Don't show them this is what a marriage is like.

k9

Life is too precious and short dont waste it with a serial cheater.

You accepting or accommodating her behavior means you are enabling her A.

Tell the OMW and infor OM to his head. He is a cop, he is there to protect and not to destroy other families. This kind of cops are to be kept in their home jobless.

Looking back, I wish I had told the OW's husband, because she tried to out my WH to me on facebook, but he had her beat by a couple hours. Many months later, she sent me a message on facebook to tell my WH that her husband killed himself. This message to me came 2 days after his death.. why is she still thinking about my husband at a time like that? This was some 7+ months after NC. I don't believe her husband ever knew of the A. In a way I'm glad I never told him, I wouldn't want that on my conscience. And the only response she's ever gotten from me is crickets..

I am so sorry for your situation.

The OWs husband called and told me about my ex-husband's affair with his wife... apparently he had known about it for quite some time, but things had reached a point where he felt he had to do something, I guess.

Anyway, I'm thankful he did -- although I wonder whether if he had said something sooner, the marriage may have been healed... I'll never know. As it was my EX and his OW were apparently deeply in love, so they left their spouses to be with each other and eventually divorced and finally married each other. (didn't take long, just about a year, I think)

Anyway... Yeah. Nobody needs to be stuck in the "I wonder if..." stage. For me, the attempt at reconciliation (non existent on his part)was more painful than the divorce.

At least now I can move on and be satisfied with my life situation (4 years later.) It's not easy, but it is better!

All the best to you!