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Clesu - I am sorry for the pain you are in right now. It must be heartbreaking to hear those words and to hear your family upset.

Please, do take your time to mourn the loss of the relationship you (thought you) had. Use IC, your family (they seem to care a lot for you based on their reaction), friends.

It will be hard, but you will get and feel better. You are young and without deep ties to that relationship (kids, finance, etc). It can get only better from now on.

Good luck.

[This message edited by frankier at 9:13 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

I'm sorry pal. But in time you will come to see this was the best course of action. You basically were conned into M this woman. Surely if she had done the right thing and told you prior to the wedding you would not have M at all. But she kept that dirty little secret to herself. I know your hurting right now, but better to annul the M than have to find out about her true self years down the line. Shoot, if I were you I'd also look into civil litigation as I'm sure you spent a ton of bucks on the wedding. And what she did amounted to breech of contract and false representation. But that's for another day. Right now licks your wounds, cry when you have to, get drunk with the boys and start to rebuild your life. In a year or so your gonna find out just how shitty her life has become. Life has a way of evening the score. Best to get yourself back to a good place and move forward.

Sorry brother for your loss.

You are one lucky man, though, but it will take time to see it.

As Sean above posted, that was my WW. She wanted to get married, I was the 'good guy', but I see now that she had some cold feet. Plus her family has a lot of emotional problems, so add in an attachment disorder and avoidance tendencies. She always had one toot out the door, but for 17 years, did 'the right thing' hoping that I would change or the M would change, not really looking at herself and her FOO.

Now at 20 years of M, I kinda have a real M, what I should have had originally.

But I feel a lot of loss of time and pain. It was a long time for me to suffer and not know what the hell was going on in her head. Hell, she didn't either.

I am so glad that you are getting a do over without kids, etc.

Jack

I'm so sorry to hear that you WW doesn't want to R.

I guess she got the private "Prom" she always wanted.

Have you contacted a lawyer yet?

Maybe, since you've only been married a short time, you could have it annuled rather than go through a divorce.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 10:36 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

Haven't talked to a lawyer yet but was already asking a friend of mine if he knew of any in the area.

To add to the levels of pathetic this has gotten to, I received a dozen text messages this morning from the WW who couldn't believe I told our families already. She also tried blaming me for 'forcing her to make a decision!' and that she 'never said she wanted a divorce'. I told her that I didn't force her to tell me she didn't love me anymore and I never forced her to mention before she left that maybe we could get a dissolution.

In other news, my brother, who can be a bit of a hot head but has dealt with his own relationship issues in the past, I think took all of this the worst. He firmly believed that she wouldn't fess up to her parents and friends regarding what she did so without saying anything to me first he sent a message to all of them on facebook. Needless to say that just further added fuel to the fire. I'm mad at him for doing that, but at the same time he didn't tell them anything that wasn't true, and who knows if she would ever given the full explanation for why our marriage had already fallen apart.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. "It sucks" doesn't even come close. "Shit sandwich" is closer, but still doesn't do the pain justice. Can only say you're not alone in this. We all suffer with you.

I know it doesn't help, but if it were to happen, be glad it happened now and before kids were involved. Sorry to have to say that.

Best wishes and please post back how you're doing as you move through your journey. We all feel your pain brother...

My D-day came 21 years and 4 children into the marriage. As horrifying as your story is, I truly wish it were mine. Worrying about hiding it from the children, parenting through agonizing pain, is no picnic. Once you've grieved the loss of your marriage and your relationship, I hope you get to the point where you feel lucky--lucky to have escaped the fate of many of us here. My heart goes out to you! Hugs!

WW who couldn't believe I told our families already

Aside from the lying, the indignation displayed by those cheating just flat pisses me off. They have slept with someone other than their spouse, they have lied about it, over and over again. Then they blame us; "I haven't been happy in years", "we should never have married". And when the truth finally comes out, either from us or someone else, they are outraged that we "told".

H E L L O... it is the truth. Why are they angered to have others hear it but not angered that they DID IT! She should be mortified at what she did; not that the family found out.

I am so sorry you dealing with this. Don't let her put this on you. You did nothing wrong and don't deserve her wrath.

Why should your WW be mad at you?

You did nothing wrong.

She made a choice to end your marriage so it's only fitting that you inform tyour families that she decided to end it.

As for your brother, well he is family and he was mad, so someday you'll forgive him.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Stay strong.

A lot of great advice already.

You mentioned that your WW is beautiful. Sometimes that can be a really big thing to let go of, despite all the other poor character traits. My ex was incredibly beautiful and most people would make comments about her beauty. But she was also BPD and the behaviour that resulted was incredibly damaging. Not only to me, but to basically everyone around her.

You know the company we keep changes us. When I was around 18 I had a massive alcohol problem. I was in self destruct mode and fading fast. It got really serious when I started surfing while drunk and on another occasion the paramedics were called to my university after I had passed out during school one day. But I also had a girlfriend who believed in me and cared about me. Sure, she wasn't as beautiful as my ex but she was close, and still very attractive. But her character was a million times better. In fact, I credit the fact that I am not an alcoholic to her.

Sadly though, getting involved with my ex had a negative effect on my heart and my sanity. Ultimately I lost far more than I could ever gain, even though she was beautiful. Over a decade of damage is far worse than one month.

You have been given a gift. It is still such early days for you, you can walk away from this and meet someone really great who is beautiful inside and out.

But even that isn't so important right now. What is important is that you start building some walls around your heart and mind. Get into a space where you are looking after yourself as a person. Her behaviour is doing you damage, far worse than a cigarette or a bottle of rum.

I know a dentist whose wife cheated on him. They tried to make it work for about a month. But she wasn't interested, so he left. He has since been married to a beautiful woman for years. The wife he has now is beautiful, both physically and her character. His ex on the other hand has become a very bitter woman.

I am sure if you were to ask him if life is better now than with his ex, you would hear a very strident 'Yes'.

Knowing what I know now, if I was in your position, I would walk away almost without saying a word. You are in your twenties with the world of possibilities at your feet. Career choices, travelling, sport etc. Whatever you want to do. Not trying to minimize the hurt you are going through. I am sure you are devastated and most of us on this site know the feeling well. It's just that I see a massive silver lining for you, as others have also posted.

It sucks, but you're gonna come out of this stronger than you ever thought possible. Allow yourself to grieve and experience the pain. You should go no contact with your ww ASAP. That will help the healing. Once you get the D or annulment handled you have no reason to speak to her ever again. Get together with friends, go to IC, work on yourself. We are here for you too.

(((clesu))) Her indignation is laughable.

My x was very hurt when I informed my family and some of his married friends as well. Told them all the gory details, spared nothing.

It was the truth, and they often don't like to face it. Much like when you rub a cat's face into the turd they lay on the carpet.

Poor muffin!

I received a dozen text messages this morning from the WW who couldn't believe I told our families already. She also tried blaming me for 'forcing her to make a decision!' and that she 'never said she wanted a divorce'.

Well WW, when you let another man go balls deep into you while committed to me, THAT was a notification from you that you didn't want to be married to me. Wish you had told me that BEFORE I spent all of that money on a marriage and my family committed themselves to you as a daughter-in-law. Your suggestion that I should NOT tell my family that the woman that they were welcoming into their house as a daughter had betrayed them shows how depraved you've become. Do not contact me again unless it is to finalize finances, return of wedding gifts, or finalize our annulment/divorce.

And go NC with her.

I'm sorry, Clesu.

I know it's not going to make you feel any better right now, but everyone is right that finding out now is a blessing. You can be rid of her before kids, etc complicate matters and make the path off of shit mountain a lot more difficult to navigate.

My WH had been cheating since before we were married. I only found out about it all 6 weeks ago, after 4+ years of marriage, a 2.5 year old, and baby number due in a week. Believe me, Clesu, you are way better off knowing who she really is now. And too fucking bad if she doesn't want everyone else to know what she did. She should've thought about that before she fucked another dude.

My husband's marital betrayal started at least a decade ago...but it's probably been longer. He was probably unfaithful when we were in our mid-20's and dating. I doubt he's been loyal to me at all during the 15 years we've been together. I doubt I'll ever know the truth about the extent of his lies.

I'm so sorry. The ache you must feel -- literally one moment a newlywed on Cloud 9 and the next completely broken hearted.

You will go on. One day, this will just be another life experience you will have learned something from. You'll hold your head high and find a loyal woman to share your life with -- if you want to. If you don't, you'll be fine single too. The bottom line is that you will survive.

This "wife" of yours...well, she's a different story. Family, lifelong friends, old pals, co-workers...never again will these people spend their hard earned money to shower her with gifts and wedding well wishes. She got her fancy dress, people took time off from work to come celebrate with her, and she ate her cake. It was all just a show. She enjoyed the compliments about being a beautiful bride, flashed her ring, and reveled in her narcissism.

And now the party's over.

Did she really think no one would find out? I'm not saying it was your brother's place to break the news, but give him a hi-five from me!

This will follow her for the rest of her life. It will define her in the eyes of many. She deserves every last stare, whisper and cold shoulder...in time, she might be able to build herself a new shadow, but she'll never be able to hide from the mess she's made.

Best of luck to you. I hope you never find yourself lost here again.

So sorry for your pain, clesu! It's got to feel overwhelming right now. Thanks for checking back in and letting us know how you are doing. Your story struck a chord with many of us. While we understand your suffering, it is a little easier for those of us outside the situation to see that you've dodged a bullet here. Not that it makes your pain any less for now. But I can see that many of us feel you've saved yourself years worth of heartache down the road.

I know it's too early to even think about it for you, but I sincerely hope you find someone wonderful who is worthy of your love. You deserve FAR FAR better than this! Take good care of yourself in the meantime...

I will not tell you what to do . because I was in your shoes and made my mistakes and I believe that most people already know what they will do and nobody can change that , at least for me it was like that! so anyway right before I was about to get married about 10 years ago my stbxww broke it off out of the blue ??? I was devastated! I wrote a letter to her to explain the pain I felt and how can she do this without a reason or remorse while I was in so much pain ? so fast foreward 10 years and we are married with two kids ,two homes ,a successful business , two cars, retirement ,pension, savings etc. and guess what she did ? yup you guessed it , the same thing, divorced me out of the blue , lied , cheated , stole, and worst of all no remorse!!! except this time I caught her in a hotel at 2am with a guy fom her new job! so through trying to discover why ? I come across the letter I wrote her 10 years ago before marriage and the words were identical to the new letter and feelings I was having , so much that it was scary! my point is that if I would have taken the clues then and saw the signs then maybe I would not be in this mess I am in now! on the bright side I would do it all again for my kids! but you don't have them yet ! so I will not suggest what you do because you will do what you want regardless , especially at 25 yrs old , although you sound mature. I feel your pain and just wanted to share my mistake with you so you know you are not alone ! and yes I think now, that she cheated before marriage and that is why she broke it off. all the best . stay strong

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Oddly enough, I use to work with a guy who had the same thing happen. Literally, a month after his honeymoon, his wife had a ONS with a co-worker and confessed. She said it wouldn't happen again since she felt she had "gotten it out of her system.". It didn't matter. He wasted no time getting out of that marriage. He figured she was only in it for the honeymoon trip to Hawaii. Anyway, the following year, he met the woman of his dreams and they married. Last I heard, they're still happy together. I wish this for you also. You deserve much, much better!