SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like others said, it starts getting nastier once OW gets involved.

Although, it didn't exactly start out sunshine & roses due to the reason we were getting D'd. Strike one.

OW really ramped up her campaign to get XH D'd once she knew I knew about her. XH started getting crueler and crueler, I withdrew more & more. OW kept escalating (having him cancel my insurance days after surgery, keeping my dog at her house when I went to my house, etc).

The less I reacted to XH & this garbage, the nastier he got. Threatened me with a restraining order, claimed I was stalking him, "breaking in" to my house, claimed I had people threatening him, etc. I'm guessing that was at least partially OW's doing.

As all this happened, XH was demanding I still be his best friend.

My best guess is that if an A is involved, it's not going to be all that amicable.

Mine was straight forward. I wouldn't go so far as to say "friendly" but definitely not nasty. XH is conflict avoidant and I think still felt guilty. He signed whatever I told him to, which was a very straight forward division of property. No kids, and I didn't ask for alimony (although I likely could have gotten it short term), we kept our respective money, etc.

It is possible but only if both people agree on all the details, essentially. If there's anything you really disagree or butt heads on, that's where it gets messy, fighting over stuff. I don't think I would have gone the pro se route if I'd had kids to worry about, because I would have done all in my power to make him pay through the nose for them.

My D was not nasty at all. We have no kids, there was no money other than his 401K, and all the assets/property ect we split ourselves.

I still retained a lawyer, so did he after ... SURPRISE, you have been served. We did the whole thing via phone, e-mail & fax. Never once did I talk to him about the D(mediation actually), all through the lawyer's.

I moved away to OK and he stayed in CO ... that is how I avoided all forms of contact with him about the D. I broke NC countless other times for a variety reasons.

The only thing that was "compromised" on was spousal support, I only wanted support while I went to school for the year. He declined said he couldn't afford it, so instead they offered me a 70/30 split on his 401K at the value it was in June 2010, about $10,000 before taxes will be mine when he retires.

Funny enough never once in all the days since 9-3-09 did we once fight about the D. Not once. Everything we split we did so amicably, no one cleaned out the bank accounts, we each took our own bills, he gave me the car that was paid off, he took the one with the payment ...

Huh. Seems strange to think about now, you would think we would have fought over the D. Oh sure he was pissed when he got my little surprise you have been served, he had to scramble for money, but it never went further than that.

I wonder what that says ... about my subconscious, what it was thinking/feeling ... What it knew that I did not, till just now ... jeez what an odd feeling with no name.

Sorry I t/j and rambled there ... lost in my thoughts ...

(((hugs))) get a lawyer and do not talk about the D with him at all. All through the lawyers. Even if you mediate get a lawyer.

Wow! That's awesome Bear! Thank you for the reply!

I dread the thought of going thru divorce but I know I have to file soon for my self respect..

I am living off of my pension as my only income..We have our house paid off in both of our names..

WH has been unemployed with no savings or pension to his name..

Sooo...I see WH as being a greedy person in event of D...I think that is part of why he refuses to go back to work, probably somebody has advised him not to..

WH will play the" I'm too crippled to do ANY outside work "card because he has a stiff ankle and a bad knee..

Our D will most likely be nasty because WH probably will be putting in a claim in for a portion of my pension income..

This income is my only livelihood until I get back on my feet health wise..

I will definitely put up a fight if WH is that greedy..

My pension income barely makes ends meet from month to month and we don't have an excessive amount of bills..

By the time we go thru the D process to its finality, I have the feeling a judge will be dividing my retirement and other assets with the least amount of assets being awarded to the person he feels is most fit to go back to work :-(

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:35 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]

You know how they say most things in life are either a 2 way street or a one way street ???

I think a D has this potential. It can be a 2 way nasty street or a one way. It is your choice. Let me tell you there are some doozies on this site, that deserve medals of honor for the way they held in the D, after all the shit the X's put them through. Likewise, there are those on this site who have done more mud slinging to the X than was cast in the World War's.

Sometimes the best of intentions get squashed in a moment of weakness, tiredness, tension/stress, ect ect ect and we fall off the high road a little bit or a full blown avalanche. How we get up and get back on the road says a lot. We are only human dealing with an incredibly emotional time in our lives, we are aloud to be human.

I'm not seeking any praise here for the way my D went. I really just had no desire to fight with him at all, it never crossed my mind. Sadly it was as easy as it was for us when we got M'ed. It went off without a hitch at all(both the M & D). No emotion, no nothing(Just the D). So yeah while it was not nasty/fighting it left me feeling completely unwanted/unloved and like the whole dating/M was a sham.

Ok I'm so rambling and t/j'ing again sorry. But yes a D can be not nasty, it is your decision how you wanna play ball ... more (((hugs)))

BTW I'm OK. Legally D'ed now for over 3yrs, writing all this out has triggered how I felt back then, I never knew or realized, till now. Enlightening ......

[This message edited by booger bear at 12:59 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

At what point, do things start to get nasty?

When money and greed become more important than the basics in life by either or both of the involved parties (some of the greed is encouraged by lawyers IMO).

The first lawyer I approached would not even listen to me when I explained he was the father of our three young children, so I wanted it to be amicable. He insisted I go for alimony and everything I could get. He also wanted a high retainer fee, which was supposed to be passed on to my X, of course.

The one I finally hired agreed to my terms. My XH did not get his own lawyer as we worked out the terms between us before approaching the lawyer. Even then this lawyer's secretary wrote out a nasty complaint about my XH with words I never said, that would definitely make him angry and defensive if he received that without me giving him the heads up those were NOT my words and that is not what I asked them to write in the complaint. I did not use adultry as my "grounds" even though I initially planned to. The lawyer did tell me that I would have to "prove" it and that could make things uglier than I wanted so it would be better to just claim "inhumane treatment" or something like that.

I should mention that my XH married the final OW and is still married to her, and I know that she hauled her XH into court at every turn, but never could appreciate the fact I never did that to my XH.

The whole thing was amicable and cost under $500 including court costs (early 90's though). I have never once taken my XH to court. We made it all those years and our kids are grown and doing fine.

I know the courts would have required him to pay more child support and if I had wanted alimony, he would have had to pay it as I was a SAHM most of the years of our M. I did get a form of alimony in that he had to pay our house mortgage until either I got remarried, moved voluntarily, or when the youngest turned 18.

His CS was comparitively low but his visitation was extremely liberal. Though I had legal custody, he had them almost every weekend and saw them many holidays and other times. I believe he was more generous with the kids during the times he had them, because of this.

The kids are all grown and gone now, but they all thanked me during their school years, for making such an effort to get along with him. To me, it seems well worth driving an older car, working two jobs, and shopping at the Salvation Army (instead of going after him for more money). Our kids are better off because we were not fighting, and learning to do with a little less didn't hurt them either.

They watched what their friends went through and they knew it was extremely rare for divorced parents to get along as well as we did.

There were only a couple of times I got into it with my XH. One of those times, I remember his "lover woman" as I used to refer to her, must have informed him that she wanted "our" stereo and thought he should have it.

I saw through that SO FAST! He never played that stereo when were together. It was one of those stacked systems from the 80's with huge speakers. I loved it and used it ALL THE TIME and he never turned it on, never touched it. So I knew it was "Lover Woman" who wanted it and I instantly stood my ground and said he was not getting it. He didn't put up any further fight.

I have to add this here.

I have a friend whom confided to me a couple of years before she got divorced, that she was planning to D him. Knowing what I know, I certainly never could blame her but wondered about her plan for waiting until the youngest graduated from high school (they already had separate beds and she told me she didn't even care if he was getting it elsewhere, but she still planned to wait until the youngest was done with school). She had told me she would leave with the clothes on her back and nothing else. It was a situation where his family had given them "their home" years before. She was under the mistaken assumption that she had no rights to that home if she left, and was apparently okay with that knowledge at the time. She just wanted out and away from him, so she could try to start a new life for herself.

Well, the day came and they split, and of course she got a lawyer and the lawyer quickly educated her that she had legal rights to half of all their property. Well, she tookd advantage of those "legal rights" and even though their four children are all adults now, none of them speak to her and recently one got married. She was not invited and her kids have NOTHING to do with her! Now I am not saying the kids are innocent or right in treating their mother this way, and obviously, the bitter (and financially destroyed) father has something to do with their attitude. But at what cost to her? I would still give away every cent I have ever had in this world, and every entitlement, before I would put myself in a situation where my children were not speaking to me.

Well, it is difficult to be civil when our spouse cheated on us, but i still think our separation and divorce is amicable.

I did talked to three different lawyers each one of them charged me about $500 per hour, so only these costed me $1500. It is very expensive in my city to get a nasty divorce, it can go up tp hundreds of thousands of dollars. WH had a nasty divorce before plus he is so eager to bring OW to Canada. So he totally agree that none of us will hire a lawyer to start a fight, so we split everything in half, it is difficult when we have a business, but it is so important to keep it civil as we will still need to deal with each other down the road about the kids, but I was that close to started a fight, thanks one of my best friend who has a nasty divorce before, she strong suggested me not to fight!

I remember one lawyer told me, treat it as a business, not a divorce, so you have to put your emotion/ blame aside. Do your home work and know EXactly what you want, what you can settle with, don''t let lawyer mess up your thinking and take advantage of your situation.

So if you can try to stay as calm as you can! I know it is easy said than done. As you will benefit from it!

[This message edited by Blackhair at 5:52 PM, September 8th, 2013 (Sunday)]