SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m also going to address this from a different angle. Some of the same reasons we overeat are the same reasons we have an affair – we justify. When we stop and think about our choices, and I realize that eating is not a choice but WHAT we eat is and that choice has to be made several times a day.

Here’s what helps me: I have decided to live my life a certain way so that when a choice appears I can say to myself, hey I already made that choice a long time ago, here’s what I need to do to live my choice. For me, that includes being healthy. It’s a commitment I made to myself.

I do agree our spouses have a right to tell us when they’re not attracted to us. Having an attractive spouse is actually a love language for some people. However, I myself, would have not gone any step further than the comment. There would be no diet tips from me. I guess I feel that is asking the spouse every day to be a certain way and that’s a little controlling. Leave it up to them to figure it out, and knowing how to be healthy isn’t that difficult. It’s the execution and commitment that make it so.

Just my thoughts. Good luck OP! and thank you for posting. This thread has helped clarify some things in my head.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:15 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

There would be no diet tips from me. I guess I feel that is asking the spouse every day to be a certain way and that’s a little controlling.

Are you like that with you're husband on how to handle his choices to cheat? I've seen you post many times of what you need to see from him and be very upset about what he's not doing. Do you feel that's controlling?

Something to consider here. Believe it or not some people see this as a betrayal...and in this case it would be on top of a betrayal. I can actually see this point. If you buy a sports car, sign the paperwork, commit to the contract, go to the dealer to pick it up and they give you a truck would you be ok with that?

Yes, we age. Yes, we get sick and have medical issues that we can't control. If something IS in our control and we do nothing (according to what the spouse can see) to do anything about it even though the other has expressed concern that is not handled well. It's taken as lack of caring or concern.

Why is that just about the choices to cheat? Wouldn't relationships work better if that was how other issues were approached?

read my last sentence UO.

I asked him not to cheat after the first one. He did again. Pretty clear. And now I have a choice to make and a commitment to that choice.

sorry for the t/j op.

YoungMistakes83

I 100% know how you feel, my H has uttered those words to me. He won't even make love to me anymore. I really don't have good advice. . . as I am going through the same situation myself.

I know that I am the one who needs to change, as you do. I know I need to do it for me, not him, as you do. It still doesn't make things better does it?

Here is the thing, we both have something that might be holding us back (could be stress). We need to figure out what that is, In order to help ourselves.

I am sorry you are having these issues in your M, it does suck.

Weight issues are not about weight. They are about some kind of pain. Are you in IC?

It doesn't matter if you diet and exercise yourself to death, if you don't address the emotional issues surrounding you.

And I don't think its OK for you husband to say that. Sorry, I know that had to hurt. And it CERTAINLY doesn't help someone who is already hurting.

YM, I just read your profile and I don't know exactly when your DDay was, but I do know what it's like to have marriage problems and be deployed without the added bullshit of the A. Also, as a BS, he may feel the need to tell you exactly what he wants since he may feel subtlety didn't work. He is supporting you. Perhaps in only way he knows how right now. All he has is time to think about his previous deployment and your behaviors then. He's still a BS and you're still a (F)WS. That didn't change when he left. Take the support he can provide now. Don't expect laps and bounds of love and progress while he is in a stressed situation made more stressful by triggers. I guess all I'm saying is try to see it for his perspective.

Even under the best circumstances, losing weight is difficult. It's uncomfortable to diet and most people enjoy eating. Rather than admit this, many people make excuses to blame their failure to lose weight on outside circumstances. In addition, the desire to keep eating becomes so strong, they may even lash out at anyone that suggests, or even tries to help, them to lose weight.

My wife has been obese almost her entire life. She is an emotional eater and I have always been supportive. There was one time in her life she lost the weight and took off over 100 pounds. She did it for the OM. She knew that the OM did not find the weight attractive on her. Once she had the motivation, the weight came off quickly and the PA started.

If you really want to lose weight, reduce the calorie intake, exercise more and be prepared to be uncomfortable. If you continue to find excuses for eating, such as what you posted, you won't lose the weight. Your husband is the good guy, do it for him. I assure you, he really cares a lot about you. Don't make it harder for him.

ETA: Great advice by uncertainone

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:44 AM, October 14th (Monday)]