SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Things are so good with me and JM. We are attentive and loving to each other. He has become a man of God who leads our family in every way and I am profoundly grateful.

However, sometimes there are still things that reach out from nowhere and stab me in the heart.

At church this morning, our pastor was preaching about forgiveness. He told the story of the song "Tie a Yellow Ribbon". You know, the one about the man who left home and did wrong and wanted to come home but was afraid of the reception. So he asked his family (I've heard it told as parents, as well as a wife who was left) to tie a yellow ribbon on the oak tree in the yard if he was forgiven. If he didn't see the ribbon, then he'd just stay on the bus and move on. When he comes to the yard, he is overcome to see the whole tree covered in yellow ribbons.

And like a flash, I was transported back to June 2011. When JM asked to come back home after our 1st S, and we had moved most of his stuff home. He had to work, and would be coming home the next morning to our home instead of his apartment. The kids and I worked feverishly all evening, decorating every tree in the yard with yellow ribbons. I even managed to tie some to our huge palm trees. Inside, there was a poster made by the boys, welcoming him home.

And he was still lying. Lied to me for 3 months, allowing me to believe I had all of the truth and would not find out anything else. All the while, still trying desperately to keep OW from coming more unhinged. Trying to get out of it without hurting her. Talking to her every single day.

The pain was physical, as it shot through me this morning. I love him with everything in me. I have forgiven him and I believe and trust that there are no more secrets or lies waiting out there to destroy me again. He knew what was wrong immediately. I had to leave church because I had started crying and could not stop the tears. He came out and met me and held me while I got it back together. So bittersweet, that the one who destroyed me is the one with the power to heal me and rebuild us now.

I'm okay now. The sermon was beautiful and fitting and spoke a lot to me. More importantly, my H responded perfectly to that trigger moment and continues to show me how much he has changed in the last 2 years.

I'm crying too now.

It does hurt so and I never now when it is coming. But JM Was supportive with your trigger. And you just felt the emotions and let them out. You are a strong woman and doing a great job. Take care.

Today must have been the day for tough sermons. Our preacher preached about our bodies being a temple and how deeply damaging fornication is (lots of mention of prostitutes and sexual promiscuity and how it damages our very soul). Then, during Bible study, a lesson about temptation. One specific statement was 'an adulteress promises pleasure for what? 15 minutes? But at what cost?' I wanted to die right there. My H was minimally supportive there. Then, we went to the mall to get his hair cut (our normal place is closed Sunday and his backup place is in the mall). I walked our boys around in the stroller and was struck by my worst trigger in some time. Anxiety, nausea, frozen. It seemed if nothing other than being alone in a public place brought it on. Only after we got home did I realize he got his hair cut at that salon and I walked out son around the mall in the stroller the weekend he got sent home for a few days when OW#5 had driven to see him where he was working out of state. She was sitting in a hotel room waiting for him to come back and we were fighting about something. I didn't recognize the source right away because my trigger manifested as fear of running into OW#2. H held my hand and listened to me talk and apologized several times. Still just sucks though.

I had a similar experience yesterday morning too. After a particularly wonderful lovemaking session the night before, I awoke with H still clutching me and I was overwhelmed with feelings of joy and love and being loved. I was basking in those loving feelings and thinking of how lucky I was, feeling so loved by my H for so many years. And then I suddenly remembered when I did not feel so loved, which was during the A. I began to remember that pain, and confusion, of feeling rejected, sometimes even despised, and I did not understand why at the time. I was then quickly overwhelmed by that pain. And then the even deeper pain of when I discovered the betrayal. How deep it still feels when it sneaks in. Yes, like a knife.