SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can give my husband all the quality time in the world but if he wants words of affirmation, then he's not getting the love HE NEEDS.

Exactly. But, if ([in my case only] by his own admission of FOO ingrained behaviors and beliefs) the love he "needs" is dependent upon personal superiority by means of deception and the excitement of one-upmanship by one A after another, what is left to work with? Which love language is defined by the necessity of deceit? (Yes, I have read it.)

It took me a long time to be able to say that I AM and I WAS a good wife and mother. Since his activities were all blamed on me and his activities were "caused" by me "causing" the bad marriage (which was never bad to my face: only behind my back!) I thought that I must have been the most horrible person in the world! This was PRECISELY what he had hoped to accomplish by blaming the "marriage" on me. It was a manipulation tactic that is quite popular in his family. It deflected from his behavior, it deflected from his extracurricular activities and it was a stall tactic to avoid facing the person that he really was to take responsibility for himself. Believe me, I took more than my share of the responsibility. But, in this case, more than my share was an inaccurate amount. As is/was 50%.

This is JUST my case. I understand that this is NOT the case with most. I am only trying to illustrate that some of us have special circumstances in regards to this topic.

I think that that choice has be be looked at closely before M issues can be resolved. Examining that choice might shed light on which M issues were real or fabricated and which were overblown. My view is that the choice is what is the most important thing. After that we can look at improving the M.

Yes.

I can't wait to get to the point where we start taking responsibility for our share of the breakdown in our M. I'm all for it. Any way that I can look at what I can do to make this world a better place is welcome.

He isn't there yet. He's getting there. But, at this point, (yes, even 2+ years later) he is only beginning to process the concept that his acting out, lying, the excitement of pulling one over on your loved ones is NOT natural nor is it healthy.

It is not my responsibility for him to do this work on himself. It is his. It is not even 50% my responsibility.

One person could be putting in their 100% and yet the other spouse still sees a problem. Does this mean they're just a "taker" and will never be satisfied? Possibly. It could also mean that it's just a mismatch between personalities.

And, maybe I do have an unlikable personality. Fair enough. This is one of the things that I saw on his emails and AM/CL/dating profiles: that his wife was unlikable. But, he never said any of that to my face. He still insists that he was lying to manipulate his targets. See, I don't think so. No one that has ever met me has said anything but that I was a friendly, warm, loving person. No one, but him. And that was never to my face.

There ARE "takers" out there. I guess I married one, unknowingly. They put on a great show. I bought it.

None of us is clairvoyant. It can help to rebuild the marriage later, and some of what you want to rebuild can be referenced from things you noticed or felt pre-A. But after? It's more than just the M - it's who we are down to our souls. Both partners are near-destroyed. Both partners most likely now have deep personal problems. And then they might have personal problems from before that are either put on the back burner for new ones, or that are exacerbated and come to the forefront. Everyone's story is different.

What I wonder is, AFTER the A, is it still 50-50, or 100-100, or whatever?

Presumably it is, because it takes two people to make a marriage, two people to be present. But suddenly we're doubting our tools. Doubting our teammate. Doubting ourselves. Still trying to read the new terrain. So where do we start?

Maybe that's why limbo is a horrible time to look for 100-100. Maybe we're still trying to figure out whether the A finished us. Or if this means that our teammate is permanently untrustworthy. So it's not always going to work to put that analogy out there. That's muddy. How can we worry about 100-100 when there may be no "us" anymore? When one spouse went out and made an "us" with someone else?

So if a person does want to rebuild their marriage... a lot of it depends on the willingness of your teammate. If your teammate is willing, then it becomes a joint effort, with each person working simultaneously on their own issues and on the marriage together. A team of support. If your teammate is unwilling, then you work on yourself and your part in the M as best as you can. It's impossible to be specific. Everyone's stories are different.

The question I ask is, what's the healthiest next step? That goes to another place outside of need or want, which is more subjective. Healthy. What is a healthy way to act? As we work on ourselves, we get a better idea of what healthy is.

We know what we can and can't do. We should know how capable we are of doing a lot of different things, whether we disagree with them or not - we are still capable. So what's the thing to do that's going to keep as many people safe as possible?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 7:08 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]