SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"How is he doing with building his boundaries and his self-esteem? How often does he go to IC and how serious is he about going in with questions and goals for the session?"

sailorgirl: We are doing our counseling together once a week. (its a money thing) Most of our sessions are for him right now and I sit and listen. I go in in-between sessions if Im feeling overwhelmed. The counselor asks some good questions of him and sometimes he has a hard time answering cause he doesnt realize sometimes how his past has shaped his decisions he makes today, but eventually he gets where she is going. We talk about our sessions thru the week and discuss things we want to go over in the next session. In January there is an intentive 4 weekend long session that he says he will attend. Its for him alone to work on himself, then I can go later for myself. Im hoping this will help him. he did tell me once that I was "allowing him to grow up" -- I so hope so. I've been the strong one for 30 years. Its time for him to step up and be a man.

My husband sent photos of our daughter then a baby to his multiple OW. His story was that I left him and the baby... I've also seen the pictures multiple OW has sent him and the e-mails...

So I don't go in denial and to keep my perspective sharp, I actually KEPT looking at these pictures. LOOKED at them so I know and my heart can't deny what really happened. I only stopped when my FWH actions started demonstrating that he is remorseful, when I know we are in actual REAL R, then I stopped.

5 years now and it still kind of hurt, but it's in the past and my FWH has done so well and been so good, we both deserve to put it behind us. You do get over it at some point - at least not hurt as much. I refuse to let the past mess up my future.

That being said, he is still lying then you're not in true R yet... He's not being transparent and honest, then you're not in R.

Hugs your way. I hope this helps you.

One final thought: I too felt like "my whole marriage had been a lie," but as time passed, and some healing occurred, I realized that was too broad a statement for my life. I had over 20 years of a M that was pretty damn good, not perfect, but solid and good. During that time, we had thousands of hours of love, laughter, family-building joy. None of that was false. My H was a fine man, and a kind and wonderful spouse and father until the A; then he was perhaps one of the most unkind and deceitful people I have ever known. I trusted that the man in the A was the anomaly, not the man I had married and lived with for over half my life.

lostworld: Another good thought. We had about 26 good years. He was a great husband for many years, a great dad when the kids were little. When they got close to going to school age he starting dropping off on the good dad part, and for the last 6 years or so he was almost absent from their lives. The last couple of years for us were not good, but not horrible, they could have been worked thru if I'd know how he really felt about his life. I see NOW that he was in a spiral down but wasnt opening up to me and sharing that. He stuffed and avoided and made me think he was okay but just upset with his work-life. I, like you, am hoping the man he was during the A was not the real man. Im still trying to discover that. There are times when I wonder if this man during the A was the real him and he just kept it hid really well all these years, if he's just played a part to look good. He likes to look good to those around him and receive praise. He went to such depths of degradation and delusion so quickly. The affair started and went directly to a full-blown PA, I love you and want you not my wife so very quickly, within just a couple of weeks of them talking to each other. That part makes me weary. He brought her into our home and bed while I was away with family. That just crushes me. And, she wasted no time in doing everything she could to get him attached and keep him attached by some of the pictures and texts I have seen. It is just so damn hard!

"its time to get real"

Wert: yes, yes it is! All I ever asked for was absolute NC, which he has done, and plain and simple honesty. Answer my questions open and honestly. He was in a puddle of tears, begging and pleading, on the floor begging for a chance, regretting that he kept those photos a secret. He even called his accountability partner to come over he was so afraid I'd leave. I've never seen him like that. After we all calmed down he asked me several times was there anymore questions I needed answered, did I need to talk more...something he hasnt initiated on his own before, so thats progress to me.

undonelife: your DDay is fairly recent. I regret not taking a harsher stance when there were bobbles in our recovery. There is nothing wrong with bailing for a few days so he really knows the damage he has done. JMHO.

Oh, and before I forget, I do hope that the other BS knows about the A; whether you forward the stuff you have recently discovered or not, he should know about the A. IMHO, if he already knows about the A, I probably would not send this stuff to him as it just opens up contact again

lostworld: I did not contact the OW BS. I honestly dont know if BS knows. I was going reveal early on but WH told me he had a reputation of going into a rage easily and at the time I didnt know any different. I was somewhat afraid the OW BS would come into my WH place of business and unload a gun on everyone, or come to our house and pick a fight or something. It was too risky in my mind at the time. Now, this far out, I realize the OW told my WH those lies about her husband. She was telling everyone she worked with that he beat her up, that he threw things at her. When I questioned my WH if he'd ever seen any evidence of her being beat up, any bruises or bumps? Afterall, he'd seen her naked plenty of times and she worked right in the same room almost daily for 8+ weeks with him--if she was beaten he would have seen some kind of mark on her naked body. A light bulb came on and he finally realized there were absolutely no marks on her of any kind, not even a scrape and that she had lied to him about her husband. But, at the time when he was getting sex and sexting and emotional support from her, he was too blind to even notice. He was her KISA that kept her from her bad old, mean old husband. *GAG* The BS most likely wasnt a mean man afterall and might have caused a stink or a fight but I can never be really sure of what reaction disclosure could have had. Now, my WH thinks he may lose his job or his professional licenses if I tell the OW BS. I dont know. I wish I could do it anonymously. I do wish he could know what kind of slut he is married to. He has money and the OW gets lots of nice things and a nice new home and car, anything she wants, so she would definately lose a lot if her BS left her ass. This is not her first affair, and there is rumor in the place of business that she is already in another affair. I really doubt her BS knows about any of it. He is gone a lot so she probably plans all her trysts while he is out of town. So, telling him is still something I cannot decide about. I do wish I had known sooner and not had to discover on my own. Its been 9 months since I discovered the affair and a year since it started. I toy with that almost every day.

Thanks again everyone! Great encouragment and thoughts.

You can old school mail the pictures to him directly. Require it to have a signature of him and only him for delivery so that OW doesn't get it. Type out the letter explaining what these are and don't mention any names like your husband. He's a BS, his reputation sullied and he's keeping a whore wife in the lap of luxury... he deserves to know just like you.

Can you and your WH get over this ann have a happy M again? Yes.

There are two big questions:

1. What is he doing/willing to do?

He sounds remosreful and repentant. Good. Map out a course you want him to follow and see if he's will to walk that road. IC? MC? Transparancy? any and/or all of the things discussed here at SI. But not only those things. What do yiu want him to do? Yoga? Primal Scream Therapy? Shave his head? Is he willing to do what you require? If not his actions give you his answer. Make sure he understands clearly what you want him to do andn the stakes if he fails to do them and stick with them.

2. Is this a deal breaker for you? (This one takes time)

You'll have to deside this on your own and in your own good time. After (lets say for shits and giggles) four years you deside you're never going to get over it, then this may be your deal breaker. The time is flexable and dependant on you and his level of remorsefulness and willingness to kiss your ass.

I'm 7 years out. DD was 2007. I've already desided my WW's EA wasn't a deal breaker for me. But her inability to seek IC, MC, read one damn book or come her to SI for some insight keeps me and our relationship in limbo. It's not bad enough to crush my young childrens lives, and her level remorse is there, but since she isn't willing to do the work or see any need for the work, I'm left with constant doubts.

Find your level of acceptance and act when you feel it's right.

I can relate a tiny bit.

I reactivated my H's FB account and found two messages. They were both from before DDay but they contradicted his story a bit (one OW he said he hadn't had contact with in over a year but there was a brief FB chat this spring, the other OW he claimed didn't know anything about him as he only "saw" her in a yahoo chat room. Obvs not true as they also chatted once on FB, also swears he forgot).

These omissions, or forgotten facts, or whatever they are, they set me back HUGELY. Neither of them changed his current actions, NC, remorse etc but they felt f'ing awful to me. I lost more trust. :(

This process is so hard. So, so hard. But I guess it is a process.