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I'll be honest-- for the first 24 hours my concern was (1) that she spare herself heartache and (2) guilt for having a moment of weakness and letting the truth out...

But my WS has so escaped any consequences. He destroyed my life in so many ways (lost job, lost future, broken heart) and moved on without even looking back. If he has to face even a small dose of reality because of this, I think I would get some satisfaction out of that.

I feel bad for feeling that way-- but he's never faced a consequence for his bad actions in his life. He met me right after leaving his fiancée... and I was young and stupid and didn't see it as a red flag. He never does his work but is so smart he pulls it off at the last min and never gets in trouble. And with this, because I walked away and NCed, he never had to face me. He hides OW, keeps my photos up on FB and tells a lie about our "compatibility" to his (and my would-be) coworkers and boss.

I never really knew what happened with his ex-fiancée... but I've been tempted to ask her. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he cheated on her. But because they were young and he moved to a new state to start grad school, he didn't have to carry any of that baggage with him.

We may be in different states now, but we're in the same field and, obviously, the stakes of leaving me are a little bit higher. And I haven't held back on letting colleagues know what he did, when approached about it.

I suppose this maybe-OW could keep this info about his A to herself.... but, I dunno. I think that might be doubtful. Do you?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:57 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

I hope it was an OW and not just some busy-body, gossiping co-worker. And not just any OW..the kind of OW that handles rejection in a way that lands on the evening news! The kind of insane stuff that leaves watchers/readers with their mouth hanging open and thanking God that they (hopefully) don't know anyone so crazy. Some viral video worthy crazy!

I'm so glad you posted here instead of sending that email. You don't deserve that kind of dysfunction in your life. Whoever that woman was, she is definitely a bold person with a lot invested in a "co-worker".

Totally! Fingers crossed she's a Bunny-boiler!

That would be awesome.

My fantasy is that she gathers up all of the women who already hate him and they go to their boss and complain that he has used this new job as a personal dating service. They won't be able to fire him for that, but I hope it makes his life uncomfortable insofar as he's forced to face the truth about himself in some small measure.

And I'm just glad that at least one person over there can stick a mental "A" on OW's chest. I haven't felt much animosity against her, all things considered (I fully blame my WS), but if she gets a little embarrassed by this, I don't think that would be the worst thing.

I've talked to some friends/colleagues and they think I should at least say something to her in case I have to interact with her in the future (we're in the same field more or less) and in case she was just being genuine.

What about this:

Dear X,

Before I say anything else, I want to reiterate that I am so touched and grateful for your message and phone call on Thursday. You sound like such a lovely person and it makes me terribly sad that we never got to work together and/or meet.

That said, after speaking with you, I realized that talking about with happened with [WS] with someone “new” who is actually out there and interacting with him causes me to relive the pain of everything that has happened. I’m sure you can only imagine how traumatizing this whole experience has been and I’ve been working really hard to move past everything. I think for my own emotional well-being, I need to be very careful about allowing myself to be drawn back into the situation in any way.

Again, you seem like a very caring and sweet person and it is certainly not in my nature to turn away a friend. I wanted to think carefully about this, which is why I waited to respond to you.

Perhaps at some point in the future we can be friends. You may know that I am friends with X and I remain tangentially involved in X, so it is possible our paths will cross again.

Best,

Nope. Nope nope nope. Don't do it. Your friends are not in your position, your friends have not been through the legal system like the rest of us have.

If you have to interact with her in the future then address this with her then. THEN. For now let it go.

What does your attorney say about this?

No attorney would allow you to write that letter.

Bloody hell PL. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo do not send that. It reads like a kick me sign.

In so far as being in the same field, deal with it by kicking ass and doing well. That's what I'm doing. So you know what happened to me today? Got a call from a colleague telling me my xWH wanted to participate in a training event we're having (we work for the same agency). And my colleague doubled checked with me it was who he said he was, and he and our security team rallied round and denied the request purely on the grounds of protecting me. I'm liked and valued so fuck my ex, that's how they see it. And that's how people in your field will see it too, you mighty scholar with publications and grants and speaking engagements that you got ALL ON YOUR OWN without your POS stbxwh.

It reads like a kick me sign.

Okay... this gave me a good laugh.

No, NO and FUCK NO! Pleeeease do not send.

As an HR professional AND as a long-term SI member, NOOOOOOO!!!!

That letter could end up in either a divorce court OR an employment court, and either would be HORRIBLY detrimental to you!

Hugs though.

I didn't send it. I kept ignoring and her calls finally stopped.

And I realized that I can block her number the same way I've blocked WS.

One of my friends suggested that if any more of his OW/"friends" calls me, I should call his boss and complain.

Any thoughts on that?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:33 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

This is a rise above it / take the high road kind of situation. As in do nothing, say nothing, don't let them see you react. You will come off to all witnesses as sane, level headed & smelling like roses. They will look like the gutter trash they are.

Deal with this by soaring now that you don't have the deadweight of a con artist dragging you down & holding you back.

Don't let my sharp words to you make you think you shouldn't have feelings about all this shit. It's excellent to bring it here to SI to get it out so you can comport yourself impeccably IRL. I'm just trying to give you that virtual shake by the shoulders so you develop that steel backbone that helps you weather shit like this.

I'm really hoping that was it.

I was supposed to work in his office, as I've mentioned. I was supposed to be this woman's boss. WS/STBX became her boss when I didn't show up because of DDay.

So she knew who I was, etc.

Seeing as we're going on 6 mos of NC with WS/STBX, I should start to become a thing of the past.

If it turns out this is another OW, the primary OW (the one he cheated on me with) has the problem. Not me.

One of my friends suggested that if any more of his OW/"friends" calls me, I should call his boss and complain.

Any thoughts on that?

First, how did she get your number? Is it easily found thru public sources? If not, assume she got it from him.

How many OW "friends' seeking information is too much contact? For me it would be one to learn my lesson of getting back on the NC wagon,

Her calling would cause me all sorts of pain - wondering what he's up to, who he's with, how moved on was he? And many more questions that would put him back into the front of my brain. Which is NOT where he should be!

But I wouldn't bother complaining unless it became obsessive and took me away from doing my job. THEN I would either complain to his company regarding disruption of your work time. Till it becomes a problem just keep blocking.

Hugs,

K.

PL,

I know you talk to your friends and co-workers and get their opinions. The problem is: they haven't been down this road and don't know how hard it is to heal.

Gentle 2x4.....

There isn't any reason to call the boss and complain. Doing things like that make you seem like the one with the problem. Just ignore. And then ignore some more.

Yes, it is hard but in the end, by not poking the bear, you will be able to move on quicker. Think about how much time this girl has taken up in your mind. She doesn't deserve to even be in your mind. Don't do anything, don't send her emails, don;t talk if she calls again. Just don't. Continue moving on with your life.

I agree.

It really caused me a lot of pain for several days and I don't want to go back in that space. It really showed me that I want no part of his drama and I'm so glad I left and NCed.

The fact that she called on our anniversary to basically tell me that he took vacation time with OW to go off on a trip somewhere was even more painful.

We had booked a vows ceremony for that weekend that was supposed to be like our "wedding" (we had eloped) and an opportunity for friends/family to come visit us in our new home. We had been waiting to do it until one of us had a job so we could pay for it ourselves and really do it up the way we wanted to.

So he basically took off with OW on our "wedding" weekend. That was tough. For all I know, they stayed at the resort we booked for the ceremony (which, of course, was non-refundable... bye bye 6k).

(And I now have TWO wedding dresses in my closet I don't know what to do with. Ebay, I guess.)

And found out that he stopped payment on all of our insurance and equity that week as well. Didn't talk to me about it. Just cut it.

*sigh*

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:13 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

On the topic of being a PollyAnna and muzzling the small voice that comes from your gut:

I'm that. I've done that. I do that. I probably will always do that. But I'm getting better and I'm learning to trust that voice.

One thing that helped was IC. I've had a book recommended to me which I haven't read more than pieces of, but it seems to explain this process to us happy-headed morons: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I know others here have read it because they, too, suffer from the affliction.

Strangely, everyone I know who has read/needed the book has been female. Muting that voice may be a sociological issue, but whatever its source it makes us vulnerable and leads us into pretty bad situations at times.

As a PSA, using the "Shop now!" link in the left sidebar to order the book gives a few coins to SI.

Love Gavin de Becker. Protecting the gift was fantastic as well.

PL- Why don't you change your number? Fresh start. Who calls someone they don't know on their anniversary? Why is she so invested? I would bet she's an aspiring ow if not an outright ow. In any case she's nuts. Treat her like the toxic waste she is. Best wishes.

I'd rather block her than let something crazy WS is doing affect me even further. I've had that phone number since high school and I don't feel like having to tell all of my contacts I've made a change. Heck with her.

I'd rather block her than let something crazy WS is doing affect me even further. I've had that phone number since high school and I don't feel like having to tell all of my contacts I've made a change. Heck with her.

Good for you, PhantomLimb.

Block her, and if she contact you again somehow, tell her that she is harassing you and that you will go to HR and the police.

And keep taking good care of yourself.

You don't owe anyone anything. This woman injected herself into your life out of the blue.

Do not email her. Do not respond to her at all. You have no idea what here true intentions are and if she's truly a decent person and you run into her again, she will understand why you NC'd her now. For all you know she's an OW upset he went away with the other OW.

I was like you, very idealistic and believed the best in people. The reality is some people are just sociopaths and we will never understand them. In your case, this isn't normal human behavior, so protect and take care of yourself.

In reading this thread, there's a part of me that's wondering if maybe you want to respond as a way of getting your thoughts back to your WH. Since there's already a part of you that suspects she's an OW, it's perfectly reasonable to think anything you tell her will make it back to him. I could be wrong, though.

After I moved out, a mutual friend went to pick up some of my things from our house. I was tempted to say certain things to him that I knew would get back to my WH. My STBX is insane, so ultimately I decided not to say anything that could trigger him.

You're so blessed to have so much love and support in your life.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 2:31 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]