SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are doing great in spite of the circumstances. Definitely talk to the other BS as it will give you an extra set of eyes watching them.

If you want to blow away the A fantasy talking to OM's BW should be your priority # 1. You know what time they work. Use that to your advantage.

Please remember this.

You did not start this.

You did not cause this.

This was foisted on you.

She has had PLENTY of time to plan.

You have not you are still in shock.

It's not fair

It will never be fair

You have to face this, and function, while you're still in shock.

It's not fair.

BUT, you have to put emotion aside and present to her, a fully-competent man.

You goal, at the end of the day, is to have healthy, fully-functioning kids, and to be a mentally healthy man, ready and able to love again, but fully able to protect himself and his family. This may or may not include your WW. That is her decision. She can either join the team or leave the team. But she CANNOT be allowed to make your circle of two into a circle of three, with you as the B Team. (((hugs)))

BUT, you have to put emotion aside and present to her, a fully-competent man.

I am going to disagree with this a little. Don't present her shit. Present it to yourself. Be yourself. Make decisions for yourself. If she wants to come a long for the ride great, if not enjoy the view of her in the your review mirror.

At this point this is about you and YOUR kids. Screw her for a while.

take care...

Everybody makes s2pid mistakes after d-day.

What I don't understand is why you sat on the info you had for so long while the affair escalated? You might have been able 2 nip this thing in the bud before it got 2 far. Anyway, that's one of those mistakes that some people make.

I think that, whatever you plan 2 do - be it recovery or divorce - you need 2 take a hard line with her. She had an affair (certainly physical, but emotional is bad enough) with a married "friend", so there's no way going forward that she can be friends with him, work with him, or have any kind of contact with him UNLESS both marriages end.

So, pretty much regardless of what happens 2 your marriage, she needs 2 pinch off contact with him for life - and the sooner the better.

Watch what else she does. If she wants 2 stay married, she'll show remorse and want 2 do whatever it takes 2 convince you of that. If she doesn't, well you have your answer.

But that's watching what she does 2 see what she wants. More important is what YOU want. If you want a divorce, don't pussyfoot around playing games. FILE. Get custody of the kids sorted out sooner than quicker, because any routine you set up before the divorce will be hard 2 change later.

-ol' 2long

t/j

2long,

your name is prophetic 2 your writing.

HBH

end t/j

Well, 8 days ago tonight, I confronted my spouse about what I found out. We had a 2.5 hour conversation and she spent about 20 minutes of it crying, but only when talking about everything I did wrong to drive her to be close with him....BULLSHIT!!!

She went away until Wednesday night and then came back. We have been in separate beds and doing things pretty much separate, but have had little conversation. The two conversations we did have about what is happening turned into arguments as they always have and I was the one to smooth them over. Ahhh...forgot about the 180 for the first three days. I have put on the 180 face for the past two days, but she was away with kids yesterday and I was with them today. Ignored her otherwise.

I know she has seen a lawyer as I was "shopping" around after an initial consult with one and I was told conflict of interest. This after she told me she would not surprise me. I have a feeling that she is going to get a kick ass attorney that will eat me out of house and home to "pay me back" for everything I have done. Grant it, I contributed 50% to the destruction of our marriage, but she contributed the other 50% plus the affair she had. She maintains that nothing physical happened.

I told her that I am going to continue to go to counseling and if she wants any chance, she will have to go to IC as well. I will not do MC with her as we did it several years ago for four sessions and it was a disaster with her bashing me for the whole hour of each appointment. Don't think I said more than one sentence in four sessions!!!!

She continues to show no true remorse (thinks saying sorry a few times should forgive her ) She will not have NC with him. They work together what are they supposed to do (she says). School teachers in the same building that, oh by the way, my kids will go to in a few years.

She has lied to me about going to a lawyer and continues to build a world of secrecy that seems to be planned and calculated. I don't believe the affair is over, but they are just laying low. I don't believe that OM told his spouse and I don't believe a word she says!!!!

My mind is so messed up because we have been together for 20 years and it has been a rocky 20 years. I love her with all my heart, but I hate her with a passion for what she has done to our family.

(((cytron)))

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Sending you strength.

Please tell OM BW. That is what will change this.

((((cytron))))

What just about everyone else said, you have gotten some good advice.

Personally, I think that you have done well. I wish I would have been as smart and brave as you were in the beginning. So you made a couple of mistakes. I could spend the rest of the evening list my mistakes.

Take care of yourself and turn to us here if you need some support.

My mind is so messed up because we have been together for 20 years and it has been a rocky 20 years. I love her with all my heart, but I hate her with a passion for what she has done to our family.

I uttered those same words to my husband while they were in the midst of their A. He of course was denying everything and still hasn't admitted to a PA. One day it will come out.

Cytron

You hold the keys to your future. You cling to the notion that you can nice her back into the marriage. If you do not expose, she will come back. If you are nice, she will come back. You cling to a false notion that you can control this.

Sir, you cannot.

The keys are as simple as what people have been telling you. Get that lawyer rolling now. It is not hard to find a kick-ass lawyer, but you have to invest in the effort. YOU HAVE TO EXPOSE. Tell OMBW even though you are afraid of the consequences. You really need to expose to their work (higher a paralegal to send the letter if you can).

I am not saying this will bring her back. I am saying this will allow you to get your feet under you.

Right now, she is killing you knowing you are too afraid to do anything.

Let go of the outcomes, let go of the fear. Detach. And do the things that are best for you and yours.

Strength to you.

Picture this:

You tell the OM BW;

The OM throws your wife under the bus

This causes you wife to come out of the "love" fog and realize what she has done.

Cytron, with your ultra passive approach you are slowly losing your wife. Continue with your indecisiveness and this marriage is as good as over.

You have to attack their relationship; not the individuals but the affair itself. This involves the participation of the OM's wife and maybe your wife's employer; your immediate family etc. Everyday your WW and the OM's attachment grows stronger; if it wasn't for his own marriage your wife would be gone taking the kids with her.

Your 'playing the violin while Rome burns' approach is going to cost you dear. Stop being so passive and do something constructive. Observing this affair grow even more intense by the day is counterproductive. You can bet your WW and the OM have a firm plan of action, while you most certainly do not. Come up with one very soon or you are going to lose your family.

She went away until Wednesday night and then came back

.

Have you asked her where the hell she was for those few days? With the OM?

Have you complained to the school principal that this affair is breaking up your marriage? He might not be able to stop the affair but he most certainly will talk to the offending parties.

Just do something ,for your children's sake if nothing else.

[This message edited by OK now at 7:51 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Cytron -

I know this stuff is really hard but I don't think you are listening to all of what people have wrote.

Your W has left you. For what ever reason she has started something up and YOU are allowing it to continue. By not telling the other BS you not only take decisions away from her, but you continue to indirectly support your W's A by allowing it to hide in darkness.

My W had and A with someone at work. She said to me, "what can I do, we work together?" I said, well you can stop going to work. Find a new job. Tell him to stop going to work. No communication with him and if you have it tell me. If you lie we are done. Your W is feeding you a line and you are either believing her or simply not acting in your own best interest. Please stop that.

You have said several times that your kids will attend a school where they work. Why? Why can't they move schools, districts, homes? You need to start taking matters into your own hands and stop pretending like you have a M to save. To be frank the only person who can save you M right now it not you, it's your W. She continues to show you who she is and you continue to not listen to it. That said, you can save your own life and make it what you want starting this moment forward. You can't change the past, but you can influence the future of your life and your kids. Please do so positively.

I am all about R, in fact, I am in a pretty good R right now. I think we are going to not only make it, but be really good. I am not jaded. Objectively, when I read what you have written, you need to take matters into your own hands and start doing things that are good for you and your kids.

I love her with all my heart, but I hate her with a passion for what she has done to our family.

I remember those thoughts so vividly they hurt. Let me tell you something. It's bullshit. I stopped loving my W the minute I found out. I didn't start again until she stopped being an asshat and came out of fairy, rainbow, A land. Frankly, why the hell would you love someone who is behaving like such a jerk to you? Lying, cheating and looking for a way to screw you with her lawyer. Don't stand for it. I know it is hard to give up that love, but it's gone and your W is not longer earning your love. She needs to start again before it has any value.

I know the above is harsh, but when I showed up on these boards I was acting very similar to you. It wasn't until I did 5 things that anything changed for me:

1) Break up the A. I told the other BS, I confronted OM and told him the take a hike or I would come find him and I told my W's family and friends. Find out who your real friends are and stick by them. It's throw down time.

2) Explained to my W that NC was not an option if she wants to live in a house with me. Papers for D in hand I looked at her and said OM or me. I told her that I wanted our M and our family intact, but will not accept them being together, communicating or anything else.

3) Started making a plan to get my kids, money and life away from those crazy people (W and OM). I found a place to live, considered where my kids would attend school and what I wanted for them and myself. I started my own bank accounts. I got my own credit cards. I severed as many joint things I had with my W as possible and started to stock pile cash. Talk to your lawyer. Get a plan together and execute it.

4) Looking out for myself and my kids only. They are your world now. They are your family. Take care of yourself, start a new hobby, exercise, drink water, get in shape. Make a calendar for the next couple of months. Fill up everyday with the things you need to do with and for your kids. Go to appointments, coach them in sports, pick them up from day care, read to them every night, be there when they wake up every day you can, in short, be the central person in there life. The rest of the time focus on what you want.

5) Stop being afraid. Make a realistic plan and execute it for you and them. You will make mistakes. You will not be perfect. That said, an organized mind and plan will carry you a long way to what you want. Don't be afraid, act.

Keep all the above on the level. Nothing illegal or mean. Just look out for you and your kids.

You can so this. You can make your own future with or without her. Stop wishing for things to be how you want them and instead look at them for how they are. Then enjoy the things you like about your situations and make a plan to change the things you don't.

Take charge. Be yourself and take responsibility for the one person you can control - yourself.

I fully recognize this is really hard to do when looking through the lens of pain, shock and change. I can't say I have felt exactly what you are feeling, but trust me on this one, I have been in a similar spot. It is very hard to accept what is happening is real. It is, real however. Very real, and it is critical that you start treating it that way.

Tell the BS, make a plan for you and yours kids with your lawyer, take charge of your own life. If you W wises up and comes back great, if not screw her.

take care of yourself....

Great post Wert.

I was going to post something......then read WERTs post

What Wert said...

Especially #5.....I was there...for about 5 mins and then I went hiroshima and nuked the A. It went from trying to salvage the fantasy world they were holding on to with both hands to scrambling like vampires in the sunlight.....it destroyed the A.....

Just thought I would ask you to read the 522 [currently] posts concerning the tragedy in allatsea's marriage. You will be reading your probable future.

Your wife hates you, [I don't think hate is too strong of a word]. She blames you for everything bad that has happened to her since the very day you met. She wants to leave you to set up a love nest with the OM and she will rape you financially and try and arrange full custody of the kids with restricted visitation. Read allatseas posts and be afraid.

However its not too late if you act now. He has a wife and child and may be hesitant to leave them. Hope so for your sake; could be the lifebelt for rescuing your marriage and forcing your WW to turn back to her family.

Well went to lawyer for the second time and told her everything that has happened including her seeing a lawyer as I found out.

Lawyer seems pretty good and comes with good reviews from a co-worker. She is giving me a good discount she is friends with my co-worker. I did not give her a final decision whether or not I am filing, but I feel good about what I did today.

My counselor is in amazement that I don't file and she realizes that after only 8 visits that my life has been hell for 20 years while I have been treated like dirt.

Again, no remorse today and I am really starting to believe what everyone is saying on this forum. No loving spouse who wants their marriage would act like she is doing.

Still deciding about other BS, but pretty sure I am going to visit her house soon.

Cytron, The cruelty of the WW can be beyond comprehension. When their emotional loyalty swings over to the OM, who of course is without fault, they can carry out acts of vicious nastiness that boggles the mind.

I've heard of women accusing BH's of sexual molestation to their daughter just to gain custody. A friend of mine was accused of doing this to his daughter; the subsequent court case destroyed him financially and in the end he had to give signed permission for his evil wife to take his child 2000 miles away to Phoenix just to get her to drop the false charges.

He never saw his baby girl again.

You need the OM's BS. You may not intend to stay with your WW, but breaking up this affair will isolate your wife and make her far more easy to deal with.

Still deciding about other BS, but pretty sure I am going to visit her house soon.

And while you're being all considerate and trying to "decide", HER husband and YOUR wife are decimating what's left of your life as you know it.