SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Disclaimer: I have not read all the responses!

Statistics can be skewed to look as damning as desired. In his first marriage, XH filed for D. In our marriage, it was we. In the grand scheme of things, it was my decision to push for it, and after he realized how damning all of the evidence I had against him was, he made sure it was agreeable. But I digress.

SeanFla, I actually think it is a good thing that you are looking into things like this before you get to the point that you are ready to date seriously/remarry. I'm glad for you that you don't want to repeat your choices in women and don't want to set yourself up for heartache. Isn't that our goal here? To learn from this heartbreak and move forward better, stronger people and have productive lives? However, understand that women as a whole aren't your enemy, but you can be damn sure that one woman with a mindset of external validation definitely is. My take is that you are fine tuning what you will eventually be looking for. God help me if I want another controlling POS needy man, but God help me just the same if I can't find the opposite. Men aren't my problem, just one fucking asshole in particular.

Infidelity sucks. Divorce sucks. Generalities suck, too.

I like men. I hate assholes.

And incidentally, there are women out here that don't think of love as it is portrayed in the media.

I don't know what an EU guy is. European Union?

Emotionally Unavailable. I see it tossed around a ton here on SI to describe guys (both WH AND BH) who sound, to me, like normal dudes. But that's an entirely different topic altogether...one that can be found here, if you're interested:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=506864&HL=28108

the link worketh not for me

the link worketh not for me

Some of us more naughty folks have to log out to read stuff in Wayward.

I'm not sure what that means, the naughty folk reference. I must not be naughty 'cuz I can see posts in Wayward just fine. Not that I normally look in there...

Oh well. My toast just popped for my PBJ. Gotta go!

I've only read some of the responses... I just wanted to say ex-asshat is the one who filed, not me. And I'm the one who got financially screwed in the D. In fact, I'm in my 5th year of receiving absolutely no CS. I've also never received a dime for his share of medical/dental expenses. And I have the bunch 24/7. They never go on visitation anymore.

I personally know more women in my position than not. Not saying I'm in the majority but we're definitely out there.

I have never seen a woman come out better financially than her ex after a divorce. Maybe that's true for the well off? I've only seem lots if single moms struggling to keep up the basics.

I have to agree with this also, my XHs income has risen steadily since our divorce 3 years ago, I continue to receive the same amount of CS each year knowing that his income has increased. I have talked to my attorney about it but have been advised to not "poke the bear"

My income has fluctuated in those years because I needed to be available to my children but it has never increased either. I have struggled several months to pay my bills and have had to consider moving into a cheaper place :(

My XH never asked for any physical custody when we separated, only legal custody. Because of his work schedule (pilot), he cannot set a regular schedule for visitation so I have had to deal with last minute requests for the kids and have to honor them no matter what or he screams "alienation" and threatens to take me to court

There have been times when my DD has already made plans with friends but XH bullies her into canceling because its "his" time (NPD characteristics)

Warning, I haven't read all the responses.

On the original post, the complaint seems to be that women expect too much of their husbands, and are miserable in their marriages.

I was happy in my marriage. Loved my husband completely. However, I was the one who filed for divorce.

Why, you may ask? Because we have a DD16, and he was trying to hook up with a 15 yo for sex. My duty as a mother trumped my duty as a wife.

I have been in three divorce support groups over the past year and EVERY SINGLE PERSON in those groups, had a spouse that cheated on them. Every single person - that blows me away!!!!

I filed for divorce because I did not want to be married to a liar and a cheat. He said he was going to "take care of the divorce" but he never filed. All talk.

I already had been blindsided by the affair, he never had the the balls to tell me what happened, he was texting her while laying next to me in bed. I went into his computer and found the text messages he was sending her.

I was not going to get blindsided again whenever he decided to have me served divorce papers. So, I took charge of my life.

Insofar as unreal expectations, that's a blanket statement. I pretty much wanted a husband that would deliver on the vows he made to me, just as I strove to honor the vows I made him. I was not a kid when I married him, I know no one is perfect and that a marriage is about compromise. I will not accept cheating, lying and deceit. His mistress can settle for that.

Sean,

I think your thoughts are logical for the place you are in life right now and agree that counseling is not necessary if you don't feel it would be helpful.

I think somewhere in your post you said you didn’t blame women for filing if their H cheated, or was cheating. So on this forum, you are not going to get a whole lot of responses from women who filed under some other circumstance than that. Cheating is rampant, and I personally believe it is the biggest factor that leads to D, no matter who does the filing.

"I may have filed for divorce, but you, wayward spouse, ended the marriage."

My XH was a serial cheater, yet I gave him several chances after the D-days because he said that was what he wanted, and we had three kids together. He was a lousy husband, certainly not much like the romance novels or soap opera-exciting romances, but if it were not for the cheating, I don’t believe I ever would have divorced him.

Cheating men don't file for divorce they'd rather eat cake.

My XH never would have filed. He would have continued to cheat though. He has been married to the final OW for over 20 years now. They are very unhappy together and I believe he cheats on her too, but instead of file for a D, he just spends as much time as he can on the road, doing who knows what. I guess that is just what seems easier for them to do. I don’t know if she was the one to file from her first M, but it seems highly unlikely she would ever file for a D from my XH, though I can assure everyone she is not living the life of some Hollywood TV personality with him!

I have never seen a woman come out better financially than her ex after a divorce. Maybe that's true for the well off? I've only seem lots if single moms struggling to keep up the basics.

I have known plenty of women come out better finanically after a D. I have seen lots of women screw their XH’s over royally. It happened to two of my brothers and lots of other people that I know. Just recently a man hung himself at his job because his wife was filing and ruining him financially.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 11:11 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]