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It sounds to me like you don't want your wife staying because she believes she has to. Perhaps you didn't mean it.

I'd rather live on Ramen noodles in a one bedroom than have my BW stay because she felt she HAD to.

Uh, Kinda had this situation.

Not the lottery, but I knew that I was going to get a bonus and severance from my job. It was a really lucrative deal.

When I found out about the bonus, I filed immediately because I didn't want him to get any of it.

I used the bonus to pay off all of the joint debts, and shoved his lazy ass right out the door.

God was really looking out for me at that time in my life. He never knew what hit him.

This thread is why I do not believe it is wise to be financially dependent on anyone. While I love the idea of SAHM/D, or part time M/D, I just don't think it is very wise in this day and age. That being said I do see a trend going toward more people reverting back to one person at home while the other works.

If I was in debt, financially dependent, out of work for years, with small kids and a cheating husband, it is probably easier (for everyone) to stay put.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:31 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

It sounds to me like you don't want your wife staying because she believes she has to. Perhaps you didn't mean it.

I did mean it. I wouldn't want her to stay just for that. But I never said I would expect her to take my wayward feelings into consideration. I clearly didn't take hers into consideration when I cheated.

You know I always say, If I won the lottery, if I had$$, IF IF IF but honestly I would probably stay. I stay now because it's convenient & comfortable.. I have a companion who 99% of the time treats me well, has not cheated since the A.. that wouldn't change

BUT the lottery money would give me a better feeling of security.. knowing I could leave.. It would give me a cushion. I would be smart & sock it away somewhere/somehow but I do think I would probably stay.

Dark Inertia, you're so right. Unfortunately 3/4 of my life was gone when my spouse cheated. When I got married, wives staying at home was the norm. How I wish I could go back. I would have gotten an education and never married this man. But you do what you have to with the cards you're dealt. I know staying for his income, retirment, health benefits is much better for me and my children.

When I was a teenager, my mom kept saying that my sister and I needed to be sure that we had a way to support ourselves and not be financially dependant on any man.

Luckily, we both took that advice to heart and are both very gainfully employed.

I later found out that my dad had cheated on me when we were kids. I'm so glad that my mom passed on her hear-earned wisdom.

When I was a teenager, my mom kept saying that my sister and I needed to be sure that we had a way to support ourselves and not be financially dependant on any man.

My mother never really said anything about that topic but I watched how she lived her life. My mother was a dear person but I vowed from an early age, I would not live like she did, being treated so poorly, not driving a car and having to depend on him for everything. I don't know for sure if he cheated on her but most likely he did. He didn't respect her at all. I never in my life saw him show her any affection.

He was mean and told us all we were lazy, fat, worthless and would never amount to anything. Oh, and it was our mother's fault we turned out that way.

But still, I was poor and my father told me he'd never give me even a nickel to help with college (his exact words). I didn't realize I would have been able to get financial aid to go. Nobody told me that even though I was fourth in my graduating class.

Anyway, I got married at age 19 to a truck driver. At the time, he seemed a whole lot nicer than my father, and I hate to make this comparison because he was actually a terrible husband, but did not put me down or call me stupid, fat, lazy, or worthless on a daily basis, and for the most part I felt we were friends and partners in our marriage. We had three kids together.

But I sure as hell would not have married him if I had known he was a sex addict addicted to prostitutes! I was naive and really barely knew such sleazy people existed, let alone come to the grips of my H going to those types of women while married to me.

I could seriously write a book about it all if I wanted to but so far I'm not motivated to do it. In some ways it might appear that I was dependent on him. I was mostly a SAHM and we had three kids and I had no income of my own.

But when I came to grips of how he was really just as terrible as my own father but perhaps in a different way, it didn't matter about money or anything else, I was going to find a way out and I did.

I am not financially dependent on my current H and I have my own car.

Though I took my first college class after having three children, just a bit before my 30th birthday, now I have a Ph.D. and a good career.

It is ironic because as I already said, we are together for the long haul and would remain so even if I won a big lottery pot. Still, remnants of my childhood remain. I overheard my h telling someone that when we retire, we are going to down to one vehicle.

While this would make sense and I am usually the frugal one, I interrupted his conversation and said "Like hell!" As long as there is any possible way I can afford it, this girl is having her own car and a measure of independence that comes with being able to drive it whenever and wherever I want to!

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 12:40 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

I wouldn't be too quick to judge those that say they would divorce... First off this is fantasy ... And I'm sure we have all at least thought about leaving, but secondly my first husband walked out when my daughters were 3 and not yet 1. I worked multiple jobs, lots of freelancing from home at night so I wouldn't have to pay for childcare. The power was shut off, the water , I got foreclosure notices. I did everything I could, but there were plenty of days I didn't eat because I was worried if I could feed my girls the next day. Ramen is great when you are in college, but the third night of feeding it to your 3 year old because you have nothing else in the pantry is scary.I don't yet know what I want, but if I chose divorce I certainly will wait until a point in which I know my kids will be ok, at least financially. And for now I am amused by both the fantasy of winning the lottery and kicking my wh to the curb and the one where we enjoy the riches together , depending on the day

Funny you ask this because I have thought about this! I would give the ticket to a family member and push through a divorce. Once the divorce was final I'd let the family member who I had given the ticket to give me some of "their" winnings so that my ex wouldn't be able to get his grubby little hands on ANY of it.

ETA: btw, we are seperated, but were we not, I'm not sure that I'd feel much guilt over deciding to leave. My husband didn't think to tell me when he decided our M was over so it would be okay for him to start porking his co-worker, so afaic, if I forget to tell him, until I've won the lottery, that I'm done, then we're even.

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 3:20 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

I would stay. It wouldn't even enter my mind to leave.

I guess my honest reaction is hell no. I'd be able to go get me what I need and want -- some massages, nails done, retail therapy and a few dinner nights.

The real question is around my kids. If I didn't have 3 kids with him, I think it would have been easier to say goodbye.

But money - I'm gone. That's f*cked up of me

Someone mentioned this is why you shouldn't be financially dependent on your spouse. Unfortunately, I was thinking about all that when we both came into the marriage with debts and commitments (his child support). Now WH is a stay at home dad and I make the money. A divorce lawyer actually told me me that in my state, because I make a decent amount of money, that even though my WH would go back to work and make decent money, he wouldn't have to pay much in alimony nor child support. We chose to keep me working because his job was a major trigger before DDay and he needed to clear out. So I'm kind of stuck. I am not going to leave him and get stuck taking care of his a**.

For me it wouldn't matter. But if you won congrats

I would give the ticket to a family member and push through a divorce. Once the divorce was final I'd let the family member who I had given the ticket to give me some of "their" winnings

No, no, no! You get an attorney, set up a blind trust, file for divorce, THEN collect/claim once the divorce is final.

Family can't be funny acting and don't let a substantial amount of money into the equation. Those you THINK you can trust will turn on you before you can blink an eye. Once they sign the back of that ticket and collect it in their name IT IS THEIRS! And good luck taking them to court. Your money grubbing ex just might get a portion once the courts get involved.

[This message edited by Chicky at 9:09 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Oops! Didn't answer the question - I would stay. We have worked through it all and are very happily reconciled.

No, no, no! You get an attorney, set up a blind trust, file for divorce, THEN collect/claim once the divorce is final.

Thanks, Chicky!! This is good to know!

So with a blind trust he can't go back and sue me afterwards for hiding marital assets? I have no idea how must of this legal stuff works, as I currently reside in limbo-land.

I think it would depend on the state you are in and I didn't consider that when I was dishing out advice!

But the way I am, if I were to win multi-millions, and I went that route, he wouldn't be able to find me even if he had the FBI and the CIA looking for me!!

eta: and then he'd have to FIND the money! Kinda like suing someone that has nothing - just b/c you get a judgment, that in no way means you'll ever collect anything.

[This message edited by Chicky at 9:32 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

No question in my mind: I'd absolutely stay.

I work PT right now, but could absolutely support myself and our children if I was forced to return to the workforce FT.

No amount of money in the world would make the pain go away. The Lotto wouldn't fill the ache of losing my best friend -- or the soothe the anguish of how he has hurt me so deeply.

That said, Lotto or no Lotto, I'will pack up my pain, and leave if I ever find myself facing his infidelity again. I can't do this again. Ever.

Money would solve my problems. My M is over. I could then afford my own health insurance and keep my DD in college. It's a waiting game, not permanent. Lottery would just speed it up. As much as I detest what my ws has,done, I don't feel he should be

be living in squalor after supporting his family all these years. So I will wait until we can split and both have a decent place to live. I never pictured myself being financially dependant on anyone as my father always told me to make sure I could make it on my own if it were to come to this. I had an excellent job but was knocked on my ass by RA..sucks. I will keep hoping for the lottery and I will share.